


Looking for Some Light

by laurensdirection



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Comforting, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Heartwarming, Light Angst, M/M, Real Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-10 04:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 50,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21473176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurensdirection/pseuds/laurensdirection
Summary: Im Changkyun is a freshman at university and despite trying so hard, things are just not going according to plan. His roommate learns something about him and everything falls apart. Torn between quitting school or finding a new place to stay, his prayers are answered in the form of a nosy upperclassman, Lee Jooheon. Offering their home and a fresh start, Changkyun clings to it. Just one day after moving in he finds out that one of his new roommates is his ultimate crush: tutor, soccer star, and future doctor, Yoo Kihyun.The seven roommates will learn that they can overcome anything as long as they do it together.
Relationships: Lim Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Comments: 78
Kudos: 185





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Monbebe: 
> 
> This is a labor of love and some topics that are very close to my heart. I will use trigger warnings as necessary. This fic is mostly about love and life and being the version of yourself that you get to choose, even if others don’t agree. This is a University AU and I’m roughly basing it off of the American Higher education system, since I’m a US Monbebe and it’s the only system I know well enough. Thank you for understanding. 
> 
> This is pure fiction and only for enjoyment purposes. Nothing about it is real. All mistakes are my own.
> 
> OT7. Always.

* * *

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all.

― Emily Dickinson

* * *

  
  


“Stop staring. Stop staring. Stop staring.” 

He muttered under his breath, hiding the rosy blush that crept up on his cheeks. He tucked his chin into his chest and lowered his eyes. There was a fluttering in his belly that made him squirm in his seat. 

He was trying his best not to stare, he really was. For the last several minutes he drew inky flowers and scribbled hearts in the margins of his notebook focusing his eyes diligently on the paper. Setting the pen down he pulled at the sleeves of his sweatshirt and tugged them over his wrists, belatedly noticing stains of black ink on his fingers. 

It was like this each and every time his afternoon shift overlapped with the tutoring hours of the dark-haired, unfairly handsome boy sitting five tables to his right. 

The clock on the wall reminded him he’d only started his shift an hour earlier. Time moved maddeningly slow and his willpower decreased with every passing minute. He sat forward, cheek pressed into his hand, hunching over the long circulation desk. Instead of looking to the right he took in the panoramic view of the university’s library from his central spot at the second floor. 

Stacks of books were neatly arranged directly behind him in long, tall, daunting rows. In front of him was a water fountain, elevators, and a collection of bulletin boards advertising for roommates, band practices, and open courses for students. People flurried past the main desk without a second glance, dragging their laptops and textbooks to private study tables for hours on end. They were lost in their phones or conversations with their friends, often not noticing him at all. 

He blended in with the rest of the forgotten books. He started tuning people out unless someone directly approached him usually staring down at the lanyard and name-badge that hung around his neck. 

Im Changkyun was neatly printed in black block-style font next to the university logo.

The library itself was a huge multi-floor modern building and he was in charge of the entire second floor. His list of duties was neatly printed and taped to the corner of the desk reminding him to shelve books and refill printers when necessary. They asked him to look up obscure texts and take care of random odds and ends from time to time too. But mostly he was left alone and could fill his time as he pleased. 

A kind librarian, a woman who was the head of the entire library, checked in on him every few hours always warm and smiling. It gave him a bit of connection that he craved and more than that, she reminded him of his mom. Although that made him miss her just that much more. 

To his right group study and tutoring took up the entirety of the back row of tables, parallel to the floor to ceiling windows and overlooking the campus quad. At the table Changkyun kept avoiding he knew if he glanced over to a specific spot he’d see a whiteboard sign with neat, concise script advertising tutoring in math and sciences. 

Even the handwriting was pretty just like the person who wrote it. 

Changkyun let himself look—only for a second—and his heart skipped a beat when he saw the boy’s side profile, the long line of his neck, the way his brown-black hair fell over his forehead. Something in his chest warmed and melted the rest of his body like molten chocolate. 

He sighed deeply, needing a moment to take it all in. There was something so mesmerizing about him he could barely understand it. It had been a very long time since he felt this way about anyone. Even then it was just a crush and this—this felt like so much more. 

His object of admiration had been there the past two Mondays and Wednesdays like clockwork. Changkyun noticed he was everyone’s favorite tutor and had the longest line, the biggest waiting list. Students clamored for his attention, his support, his words of wisdom. They whispered about his personal study guides and begged to see them for their midterm exams. They fluttered their lashes asking how he aced his classes, especially the hardest ones. 

Changkyun heard it all from his perch at the desk, quirking his head to the side to listen better. It was as if he was invisible. Nobody noticed the little, awkward freshman in the oversized hoodie. 

People said lots of things when they didn’t think anyone was listening.

It was just two days ago when he was eavesdropping on three boys after their tutoring session, all looking noticeably less stressed than when they came in. The closest one pressed the call button for the elevator and shuffled to the side. He leaned against the wall checking his phone. 

“I think we’re as ready as we’ll ever be,” tallest one said, giving his friends a half smile. 

The third student—rounder with a kind face and smooth lips—seemed to agree. “We just need to study more tonight and work on the concepts and strategies Kihyun said.”

Changkyun did a double take making sure he heard correctly. He waited patiently with tapping feet, reaching up to rub an invisible smudge off his glasses. When they mentioned his name again he swooned from way it sounded from their lips, the way _ Kihyun _ repeated in his head like his new favorite song. 

Today Kihyun was reviewing Chemistry with a group of girls from the sight of the textbooks sprawled out around them. Changkyun didn’t dare look too long for fear of getting caught. 

He busied himself on the computer, logging into the sleek desktop and typing his credentials into the system. His campus email popped up chalk full of messages about assignments and due dates and events for him to attend as a new student. 

Being a freshman made him new and shiny. 

It was constantly overwhelming and these first few weeks were certainly not going according to plan. 

Fitting in didn’t come easily for everyone, right? 

Changkyun exhaled loudly, slumping over the keyboard and scanning his inbox. It was a daunting task but someone had to do it. He cemented his heels on the smooth carpeted floor and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose ready to focus on his homework for the day. 

The rest of his shift passed with mild productivity and minimal distractions. He managed to get through two chapters of assigned reading in history before a girl needed help finding a book. She shyly spoke the name of the author. He typed the information into the database like he was trained and walked with her to the right shelf, pulling it down for her. Before leaving she smiled, giving him a nod and small wave of thanks. Changkyun waved back narrowly flinging the pen in his hand at her as it slipped from his fingers and clanged onto the floor. 

He was still awkward after all. 

Back at his desk he jumped on the rolling chair and stared at chapter four in his algebra and trigonometry textbook for a good ten minutes before growling and closing the textbook angrily, slapping the glossy embossed cover. 

“What did that book do to you?” 

Changkyun sucked in a breath, looking up through his lashes after too many seconds of silence. His eyes blinked in rapid succession, processing the person standing in front of him. The boy smiled down to him and laughed for a second at his own joke. The fluttering in Changkyun’s stomach doubled then tripled, a nervous feeling rising up his throat. 

This was absolutely the worst time to feel like he was going to throw up. 

“I’m just kidding. Can I return this?” 

The tutor stood before him inches in front of his desk. His voice sounded like a symphony to his ears, beautiful and melodic and terrifying at the same time. Even his laugh, soft and staccato, melted into him like sugar in hot coffee. 

Changkyun slowly hinged forward and scanned him from his toes to the top of his head. He was tall—just as tall as he was—if not a bit more. Slim frame with straight, sure of himself shoulders. Even his posture was perfect. From their closeness Changkyun could see the dark brown and black tones in his hair and smooth skin on his face, completely blemish free. 

The boys lips pouted into a genuine smile. 

Changkyun opened his mouth and shut it, then again, before he remembering to say real words. 

“Su-sure.” 

“It’s the key to the private study room. We didn’t need it today.” 

Steady fingers placed the key on the smooth surface of the desk before turning to walk away. He moved two steps forward and paused, turning back to face him. His eyes sparkled and the corner of his mouth twinged up. He licked his upper lip. 

“There’s a little something on your cheek.” 

It was over in an instant. Changkyun stood up and his mouth fell open, utterly stunned. He outstretched his fingers grasping the elongated key in front of him and pulled it against his chest. He watched the tutor, _ Kihyun_, walk past the elevators and open the heavy steel door to the stairwell. Soccer cleats swung from his bag tied from the laces to the handle at the top. He rushed down the stairs, the door slowly closing behind him. 

Changkyun watched it click shut. It was then that his heart began to restart. 

He was gone before Changkyun could even remember to say the word _ thanks_. And wait—his cheek? He stumbled forward, hands reaching across the desk for his phone. He tapped on the camera feature then turned it towards himself. 

A black, inky smudge rested on top of his cheekbone. 

“Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.”

He rubbed at it frantically but it was no use. The ink spread, dark and splotchy, staining the pads of his fingertips. A sigh escaped from his lips, a fit of frustration. 

He ruined the only first impression he would ever get. 

Sitting back in his chair he slumped into the seat and leaned his body forward, flopping onto the desk. He laid his head in folded arms, slotting his face into the little notch in the middle. Breathing in and out his body slowly warmed, the tips of his ears still red. 

Changkyun then decided he needed to quit because he couldn’t fathom facing Kihyun ever again. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has trigger warnings: overt homophobia and the use of a homophobic slur. Please proceed cautiously if needed.

* * *

We can't see the Sun in the storm.

Patience, little thunder cloud.

Have Faith in your own Light.

— Karen Neverland

* * *

  
  


Changkyun pulled the lanyard over his head and squished it into the front pocket of his backpack. He waved kindly to another librarian who managed the first floor circulation desks before lowering his eyes and making his way out the main doors. The sun hit him immediately beaming low from the west. He blinked quickly covering his eyes with his arm and squinting before adjusting to the light. 

It was the part of the day where the afternoon merged into evening and everything changed all at once. 

Students fluttered past eager to get into the library and study for the night. He moved out of their way almost falling off the sidewalk. He steadied himself and kept going towards his dorm. As he walked the entire afternoon replayed in his mind, pausing and rewinding on one particular thing. 

Kihyun. 

His behavior in front of the most handsome boy he’d ever seen was far more pressing and important than any homework that was meant to happen tonight. 

His fingers curled into fists around the cuffs of his sweatshirt. How could he only say one word? Sure._ Sure? _ And the smudge on his cheek? It took five minutes of soap and scrubbing in the bathroom before it fully washed off. 

His heart fell into his stomach remembering each little detail of their encounter. 

He desperately needed a do-over. 

Those thoughts carried him past the student union and several other buildings he didn’t quite recognize. The campus was big. There were several different colleges and a world-renowned university hospital he had yet to run into. He’d barely found his own classrooms and arrived to those on time each day, so he’d take to exploring another time. 

In the back pocket of his jeans he felt his phone vibrate. He slung his backpack on his right shoulder, reaching behind for the device. He answered in a low, gruff voice. 

“Hello.” 

“Hi honey! How’s school this week?” 

His mother’s cheery voice comforted him instantly, causing him to smile. Changkyun tucked the phone between his ear and shoulder shrugging up one side to keep it in place.

The light continued to dim. Leaves of red, orange, and yellow crunched beneath his black boots. A gust of wind blew rustling up leaves and swaying the trees around him as he walked.

“It’s alright.” 

“I don’t like how you sound, honey. Tell me, how are things?”

“School’s a bit hard,” he admitted truthfully, biting his lip. His hand reached up to rub his ear, the one not attached to the phone. He rubbed at the lobe, pressing it softly between his fingers. “I’m.. I’m still not sure I’m fitting in here, mom.” 

She was too perceptive to buy any lies. And they’d made promises to stay honest with each other about everything. That was a perk about having your mom as your best friend. He walked through campus slowly taking it all in as he said those words. 

He really_ wasn’t _ sure where he belonged. 

The sun crest against other campus buildings and slowly began to set. Gradients of pinks and oranges and yellows washed over the sky like a painting slowly fading while darkness approached. 

“You worked really hard to get there. Your father and I believe you can do it. Do you think you need a tutor?”

Changkyun’s mind flew back to the last hour of his life, the first and only opportunity he’d get to see his crush from that short a distance. The only tutor he wanted to know. They breathed the same air at the same time and in the same place. 

He could still barely believe it. 

Kihyun was handsome and popular and everyone talked like he was just short of genius. Changkyun was so out of his league they weren’t even playing the same sport. 

Saliva caught in his throat making it hard to swallow. Around him he watched the soft shadows of the trees dance and move and sway. His body shivered from the cold so he slid his hands in the front pocket of his sweatshirt for warmth. 

Other students hurried past him in groups of threes or fours talking and laughing. He felt invisible again.

“I can figure it out on my own.” 

The words felt hollow when he said them aloud. Lamp lights flickered on over-head illuminating the path back to his dorm. A chill ran down his spine from the wind or something else, he wasn’t quite sure. 

“Is your job too much? We didn’t want you doing that in your first year. Not if your studies will suffer. We’ll figure out the money some other way.” 

Her voice softened cracking on the final words. Changkyun’s heart tore to pieces knowing his parent’s sacrificed so much to pay his tuition fees. He’d be eligible for more scholarships next term if he earned good grades.. and if he could make it that long. 

“It’s really not. I promise!” He did his best to reassure, hoping it would ease her worry. It was the truth after all. Working at the library was one of the best distractions he had. 

“I trust you, Changkyun. Are you eating well?” 

His stomach grumbled in response. He clutched his hands in his pocket rubbing over his belly in a circle. Breakfast was the last time he’d eaten a proper meal.

“I’ll be grabbing dinner soon, I just finished up my shift.” 

“Good, good. Eat lots of veggies, not just ramen. Okay? Should your father and I bring some snacks for you at the weekend, some side dishes?” 

Twenty feet away his building appeared. The trees were thicker here and leaves were piled up in neat mountains of fall color. He stared at them and wondered why the grounds staff would leave them for students to ruin. These were the best and brightest students, the top 5% of their high school class, yet at least twice a day someone pulled the fire alarm and more often than not he found random furniture, underwear, and one time an entire plate of _ jell-o _on the lawn outside his dorm. 

He reached for his keys from a side pocket and scanned his student badge to unlock the doors. The mechanism clicked open and he rushed past the big lounge off the entryway. Other freshman hung out there with friends, mostly for studying and chatting or spreading rumors about who was dating who. 

Changkyun went there once and ended up listening to the entire break up story for a girl he found crying in the corner. He soothed her at the time, patting her back and cooing helpful nothings. 

“I’m so sorry, you seem lovely. So very nice,” he remembered saying. 

But things went very wrong when the conversation shifted and she asked for his number and followed up with not one, but several date invitations the following week. What he couldn’t tell her that he was never going to date another girl again. His parents and close family knew but no one else. He was getting better at keeping that particular secret. 

He shook his head at the memory and gave a sigh of relief seeing the bank of elevators that would take him to his room. He was already planning on ordering a take-away, watching Netflix and re-thinking all the things he _ should _ have said to Kihyun instead of what he actually did. 

His mom called his name. 

“Mom, I’ll work on eating better. With my schedule it’s hard.” 

He clicked his tongue, pressing the square, opaque up button. 

“I know, I know. You’re doing great, honey.” 

The steel doors of the elevator opened and he walked inside, hitting the number seven. The lift went up just as a fluorescent bulb flickered, cracked, and went out overhead. He shuffled to the other side of the elevator and covered his arms over his face, avoiding the ominous feeling. 

“Shit,” he whispered under his breath.

His mom prattled about their neighbors in his ear but he was no longer listening. 

He rushed out and finally breathed when the doors opened onto the seventh floor. The hallway looked identical with matching doors and white, freshly painted walls. Some days it felt less like a dorm and more like a prison. The only thing missing were bars on the windows. 

He lived with a broody roommate and that was putting it lightly. Since move-in weekend it had been quite the adjustment figuring out how to live together. Changkyun learned quickly that his roommate didn’t like small talk, early mornings, and the way he breathed. Since that understanding was established, they got along fine, rarely talking and simply co-existing. Every so often he shot daggers at him with his eyes so it didn’t seem like they were going to become best friends anytime soon.

His floormates were mostly other boys studying science, engineering, or business. He’d yet to meet someone with his same interests.

“Are you making any new friends?”

The question twisted like a knife, painful in his chest. It wasn’t that he couldn’t make friends it was just that he found it really hard. University—just like his high school—already had cliques and people in ready-made groups. He had no idea where he fit in at all. 

“Ah-uh, kind of.” 

He stood at the door to his room, slotting his key into the lock and pushing the door open. His roommate lay sprawled on his own bed of messy blankets and untucked sheets. His books spread out around him and he typed away on his laptop only pausing for a second to connect eyes. They gave one another a solemn nod as they usually did and Changkyun went to his side of the room. It was much neater with far fewer things. 

His mother sighed loudly at the other end of the line, bringing him back to their conversation. 

“What do you mean, Changkyun?” 

“I am trying.” 

He dropped his bag near his desk and stood up straight, adjusting his stance. On the workspace were his other textbooks, neatly stacked, and notebooks he used in class. A few post-it notes stuck to the peg-board above, helping him remember upcoming deadlines. 

“What about dating? Have you met anyone handsome? Has anyone caught your eye?” 

Her hopeful tone did nothing for the butterflies fluttering aimlessly in his chest, the ones that came out each time he thought of_ him_. The word yes bounced off the tip of his tongue but he bit back the word and held in a bashful smile, trying not to roll his eyes. 

“Mom! No, I haven’t started dating yet. There aren’t that many handso—” 

Changkyun stopped in his tracks, realizing one second too late the mistake he made. A chill ran through his entire body. His limbs froze, rooting him to the floor tiles. 

“No one yet, Mom,” he ground out. His fingers trembled, struggling to clutch the phone. “It’s getting late, I need to eat and study. Talk soon?” 

They hung up with rushed _ I love you’s _ and Changkyun felt stuck, couldn’t turn around. He stared at the yellow post-it that he wrote yesterday in big, messy script _Essay due Friday! _Inside his chest he felt his heart against his ribs, the sound echoed in his ears like a bass drum. 

It roared louder and louder like a ticking clock. 

He mentally counted to five and dared to take a breath. The silence was heavy and deafening. Until—

“Handsome..? Don’t tell me you’re gay.” 

The words shot at him like a bullet. 

Changkyun blanched, letting his phone fall with a clunk on the desk. He pulled his lips between his teeth and felt his heart race faster, pounding now. His stomach coiled, twisting and turning. He reached his hand up to his neck feeling a cold sweat flush across his skin. Words filtered in and out of his thoughts, none a proper sentence or response. 

“Are you?” 

His roommate asked again with a roaring, angry intonation. He stood up from his bed and Changkyun heard the squeak of his mattress. A book slid onto the floor with a loud thud. 

The silence between them stretched to an uncomfortable length. He took one deep breath in whispering _ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5_. He exhaled and in the same second turned around to face his roommate.

“What does it matter?” 

His voice was small but steady. It was all the confidence he could muster, all the words he could rationally form. This was the very last thing he wanted his roommate to find out gauging from his current reaction. His roommate clenched his teeth, narrowing his eyes on Changkyun with disgust. 

“I didn’t think you were a gay. Good lord.”

Changkyun’s heart entirely stopped. Judgment and hate seeped from his mouth, his eyes, his entire wretched expression. 

“How am I supposed to live with you now?” he added, taking a step closer towards him. 

Changkyun shuffled back half a step and ran into the solid material of his desk. There was no where for him to go. His roommate continued, sneering. There was a menacing growl under his breath while he stood to full height, towering over him. He raised both hands and gripped Changkyun’s sweatshirt with tight fists, lifting him up off the floor. 

“You can’t stay here.” 

Each word was succinct and severe, cutting Changkyun down to his core. He’d experience hate but nothing like this. His entire body shivered, legs swaying back and forth like a rag doll. The hands at his chest released their tight grip, letting him fall back to the floor. He slammed against the solid wood, reaching his palms back to steady his body. Short, uneven breaths escaped from his lungs. Shock ran through him like lightning, all the way down to his toes. 

“You need to leave.” 

There was finality in the statement. But Changkyun couldn’t let him win. Not over this. Goosebumps covered every inch of his skin. He re-adjusted his glasses back to their normal position. His voice was as even as he could make it, directing each pointed word at his roommates back. 

“I won’t. I won’t leave.”

He spun around, eyes blazing, shooting fire back at Changkyun. 

“_You _ can’t live here.” 

Changkyun’s lower lip trembled. He straightened his stance, ignoring the throbbing in his wrist. 

“I need to. You-you can’t make me leave. This is my room too.” 

His roommate stepped back, laughing to himself. He shook his head and smiled from complete disbelief. He licked his lips, opening his mouth to speak. 

“This is really something. I can’t believe you’re gay. I thought you were okay, too.” 

“Nothing needs to change,” he tried to reason. “It’s not a big deal.” 

“I don’t want you here.” 

“You’ll have to deal with it.” 

His roommate threw his head back and chuckled, the sound echoing. Taunting. His anger was manic and incomprehensible. He raised his voice, now almost shouting. 

“Deal with it? I’m supposed to deal with a fag like you? And live with you? What are people going to think of me?” 

Every question hit like a punch striking each of his weakest points. His legs trembled, his strength wavering. His roommate stalked towards him and closed in. Long, slick fingers gripped his chin like a vice. In a fluid movement he flicked Changkyun’s jaw up so they were eye to eye, his angry, large pupils glaring down. 

“You’ll get more of this if you don’t leave. Is that what you want?” 

His roommates fingers curled tighter turning his skin red and blotchy. Changkyun held his breath and closed his eyes, not knowing what else to do. Fear turned the blood in his veins to ice. Seconds later he felt a warm suffocating breath against his neck, inches away from his ear. 

“Leave or you’ll regret it. I won’t live with someone like _ you_.” 

Changkyun shivered down to his bones no longer able to hide his growing panic. His heart felt erratic and out of control. It stopped beating completely when the hand fell away and he heard his roommate immediately leave the room, slamming the door. 

He blinked slowly and tears cascaded over his flushed cheeks. He had held them in as long as he could. Small, shallow breaths shuddered from his body over and over, so fast he couldn’t control it. 

The room suddenly felt empty and hollow, unwelcoming. 

It was the only place at this university he could call home and that feeling was entirely shattered like broken glass. He clutched the desk, steadying his body before pushing off and stumbling two steps onto his bed. He fell head first into his pillow. 

An aching, painful rush of air left his lungs. It was getting harder to breathe. 

“How.. I.. what am I supposed to do now?” 

A ton of bricks crushed his heart while his soul tore into pieces. 

Minutes or hours later, he didn’t know, Changkyun wiped at the snot under his nose using the cuff of his sweatshirt. Wetness spread all over his blue pillowcase. His ribs clenched with every uncomfortable breath. He gripped the blanket beneath him between tired, tense fingers, holding it as tight as he could. 

Cold, he was so cold. He worried if he would ever feel warm again. 

And he was sure of one thing now. 

Today was the worst day of his life. 

*!*!*

Changkyun had barely slept for the past two nights. Fear filled his dreams and jolted him awake. The nightmares left him breathless, gasping for air and holding a hand to his throat, the other at his chest. His entire body was covered in sweat each morning. The blankets and sheets around him were drenched, wrinkled, and mused. 

The first night he almost screamed in panic when the door to their room squeaked from opening. His awful roommate—the cause of all his anxiety—had returned after leaving, stumbling into bed smelling like cigarette smoke and stale beer. 

Changkyun had finally fallen asleep around 4 am, trying to drown out the sound of his snoring. It didn’t seem fair that he slept soundly while he withered away from his words. 

_ A fag like you. _

He wanted to leave but didn’t have anywhere to go. Real sleep seemed impossible and attending class felt like a chore. Yesterday he dragged himself to his courses sitting in the cold, hard chairs and wishing he were anywhere else. The further away the better. 

People didn’t notice him as usual and for once he was glad. He put his hood up, head down. Despite wearing warm clothes his body felt cold as ice. His body shook, wracked with chills. 

The world went on around him while he was stuck on one moment in time. 

_ A fag like you. _

His homework started piling up and he was about to miss a deadline. He couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Last night it was around midnight when he sat on his bed, knees drawn up to his chest. He held them tight with his arms holding himself as tight as he could. For hours he stared out his window blinking back tears. The endless night with the hint of glistening stars stared back. 

It was near dawn when the sun began to rise that he realized something with stunning clarity. 

There were no bars on his window.

Changkyun pulled every tired limb into the shower as the sun rose. Scalding hot water came out in heavy spurts, working out the soreness in his back. The steam did nothing for the deep, purple marks beneath his eyes. He let the water wash over him, burning his skin and turning it bright red. 

The hurt felt good. 

His alarm went off like it usually did at 7:15 am yet this time he was awake and showered, combing through his wet hair with lazy fingers. A blue towel wrapped around his waist while small water droplets fell around him on the floor. He didn’t care he was making a mess. 

The sound echoed twice before he could silence it.

“Shut that damn thing off.” 

Changkyun paused, turning his head slightly towards the center of the room. His roommate had rolled over and adjusted his pillow, grumbling from the noise. Black hair spilled all over his pillow, creases from the cotton on his face. The permanent scowl was there even while he slept. Changkyun ignored his comment and reached for his eye drops. He tilted his head back and let them fall into the corners of his eyes. There was immediate relief and he blinked in quick succession, groaning in satisfaction. 

“I told you to be quiet, fag.” 

Next to his closet Changkyun pulled out a plain black t-shirt and matching boxers. He dropped his towel and quickly put them on. His pants were his usual ones, super skinny and black, and he pulled a large, oversized grey hoodie off a hanger. 

The rest of his closet was neat and organized which would make packing go rather quickly. He looked to his desk, assessing that too. Everything was exactly how he left it on Wednesday. 

“Can you not hear me?” 

His roommate sat up and swung his legs to the floor, leaning forward. He stared at Changkyun who hadn’t stopped getting dressed. The sweatshirt slid over his head and he popped his arms through the sleeves. They slid over his wrists, always too long for his smaller frame. 

“Go back to bed. I’ll be leaving soon,” he replied emotionless, reaching for his glasses and sliding them into place. 

He had zero empathy for his roommate. His backpack was already packed and his shoes were lined up by the door. He walked around their beds and ignored him altogether. 

“Why can’t you leave for good? I’m tired of looking at you.” 

Changkyun wanted to scream the words inside his head. He wanted to tell him that he _ was _leaving, that his roommate was never going to have to see him again. 

He paused, one foot away from the door, and asked a different question. 

“Why do you hate me so much? Do you think that I _ enjoy _ living with someone like you?” 

“Someone like me? What does that mean?” 

His roommate stood up and crossed the room, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He stopped and grimaced at Changkyun standing in front of the door. 

“You think you’re better than me? That’s crazy.” 

“I don’t think it, I already know. You’re just a bully.” 

Changkyun didn’t dice his words. He meant it with every fiber of his being.

“So. What.” 

His roommate came closer but Changkyun stayed glued to his spot on the floor. His fight or flight responses had entirely reversed and he was ready for whatever came next. Blood heated in his veins and coursed through his body like lava, red and molten and scorching. 

“You’re just worried about your reputation. What other people will think. It’s your own damn insecurities and none of this is really about me.” 

“Listen, fag.” 

Changkyun smelled his morning breath from inches away, quickly turning his head to avoid it. The corners of his mouth frowned in disgust. The slur triggered something deep inside, setting him on fire. He balled his hands into fists, narrowing his eyes to slits. 

“Stop calling me that! Stop calling anyone that! Stop being such an idiot.” 

His throat strained from yelling. 

“Who the fuck are you to call me an idiot?” 

His roommate lunged forward and his fist came first, aiming for his face. In a split second Changkyun moved back just out of reach. His heart went wild, pumping with adrenaline. 

“Try again with better aim,” Changkyun hissed, his teeth clenched. 

Dark, furious eyes shot a hole right through him. 

“If I hit you I’ll get kicked out. That’s what you want, isn’t it? I won’t give you that satisfaction. You can just live here knowing I could beat your ass any day.” 

“I’ll believe it when I see it.” 

Changkyun reached his fingers towards the door handle and grabbed it, pushing it open. The quick movement gave him just enough time to grab his shoes and bag. He’d have to get his coat later along with all his other belongings. Then it would be the last time he’d ever have to be in that room seeing that stupid sneering face. 

He slammed the door behind him, satisfied when it rattled on the hinges. He walked to the elevator and hit the call button. Seconds later he changed his mind and headed for the stairwell down the hall. The steel door swung open and inside he found it entirely silent. Changkyun walked his socked feet on the concrete and down two steps before collapsing in a heap. He dropped everything in his hands, hearing it clang on the floor. His body fell against the steel railings. Both lungs worked in overdrive providing oxygen to necessary areas of the body. His head throbbed in pain from lack of sleep and the adrenaline still rippling through him. 

He had tried his best to stand up to him, to be strong and brave. It was the scariest thing he had ever done. Every ounce of energy in his small, weary body was spent. 

Changkyun wasn’t sure how he’d get through this. Why was everything going so wrong? 

Slowly, he sat in an upright position. His vans lay next to him and he put them on one by one, carefully tying the laces. His hands shook the entire time. He exhaled in, then out. Over and over, until his head cleared and the adrenaline faded from his system.

In the cold, empty stairwell Changkyun remembered something his mom read to him from their poetry books at home. 

_ The best way out is always through. _

He straightened his back and rested each palm on either side of his hips. He pushed up and stood back up on his own two feet. A hopeful sigh escaped past his lips before he descended down the stairs, one step at a time. 

*!*!*

Skipping class seemed appropriate now that Changkyun had decided to quit going to university. He felt no guilt as he walked past the building for his 9:15 am lecture and instead stood in line at the University’s main cafe. 

He stood quietly, shuffling from his spot in the middle of the line each time it moved forward. The mid-morning student rush was still in full swing. Exhaustion ran through him like a train making it hard to stand. The steady hum of white noise in the cafe from the espresso machines, people chatting, and soft jazz music playing only added to the lull and desire for sleep. 

His eyelids fell shut only for a few seconds. 

“Next!” a female barista shouted.

Changkyun didn’t move. The person behind him gently tapped his shoulder when he missed his cue. He startled and looked back, noticing brightly colored hair and two dimples that accompanied a wide grin. It looked like an older student. He gestured with his hand that it was his turn. He continued to smile at Changkyun even when he was slow to respond. 

There were some people that were always happy in the morning and this person looked like they fit into that category. Changkyun certainly did not. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he grumbled and folded forward in apology. Turning back he walked to the front of the line. The kind barista smiled at him, rubbing her hands over a striped blue and white apron as he approached. 

“What can I get for you?” 

“A large coffee, black.” 

“Of course. $2.11, please!” 

Her high-pitched voice was warm and friendly. He grabbed his wallet from his back pocket and pulled out a card, passing it over the register. She passed back his card after swiping it and another barista turned around with a large coffee in a to-go cup, the contents steaming out the lid. 

“Here you go! Have a great day!” 

“You too.” 

He immediately clasped his fingers around the cup, stealing it’s warmth. He turned around and scanned the cafe, spotting an open table near the side where other visitors waited for their drinks. Sitting down he tugged his book bag off his shoulder and pried off the lid. The heat, warmth, and scent of it soothed him instantly. He sighed, leaning in to catch the tendrils of steam against his cheeks. He closed his eyes and sat there enjoying the moment of peace. 

But the moment couldn’t last too long—his life was still falling apart. 

His phone felt heavy in his pocket. He’d been avoiding calls, missing messages, and ignoring every email. Rubbing his fingers at the bridge of his nose he adjusted his glasses and settled them back into place. He took one deep breath before grabbing it and calling the top number, the digits appearing red from several missed calls. 

“Changkyun! Sweetheart! Changkyun is calling!” 

The sound of his mother’s relieved voice instantly made him crumble. Tears escaped at the corners of his eyes, falling down his cheek. His lower lip wobbled and his mouth fell open. He had to remind himself he was in public and needed to keep it together. 

He quickly brushed the tears with his thumb and said, “Hi, mom.” 

“Changkyun..” The emptiness in his voice gave everything away. “What’s going on? Tell us, honey. Your father is with me.” 

He rubbed under his eye, his glasses going askew. He coughed once to clear his throat. 

“Uh—um, were you and dad going to come down tonight and see me?” 

“If you wanted us to, of course we would,” his mother quickly responded. 

His dad chimed in with his steady, strong tone, “We can be there tonight, depending on the traffic.” 

“Okay. Yeah, okay.” 

“What’s wrong, Changkyun? You’re scaring me.” 

He couldn’t hide a damn thing from them and for that he was both grateful and terrified. 

“Well, um—ah, I don’t.. I really don’t know what to do.” 

His voice faltered and broke on the last few words. 

It was the hardest, most honest truth.

His feet tapped nervously on the floor and he lifted his head and looked out the window, noticing the sun rays peek out between the trees. His free hand slid up and around the back of his neck, cupping it in comfort. He rubbed at the tendons strained and tense from the last few days. More tears welled in his eyes, lining them with silver. 

Around him the cafe was in a flurry, people rushing through the line and getting their drinks just to turn around and go to class. He wanted to be like them, he really did. The baristas worked tirelessly, smiling with each order. At a table to his left he noticed the older boy with the dimples sitting back in a chair, likely waiting for his drink. He avoided his gaze trying to keep his emotions in check. 

“We’ll figure it out, son.” His father said in support. “Whatever it is.” 

Changkyun fluttered his eyes closed, leaning forward into the table. 

Chills ran down his spine. 

“I think I need to leave. I.. I can’t stay.”

He explained more with run-on sentences and all the wrong words, yet they still understood. They listened, stunned and completely silent, as he explained the entire, horrible situation. He struggled through some parts and left out many of the harder, more awful details. 

There were some words he just couldn’t repeat, couldn’t say out loud.

He knew he was lucky, so damn lucky to have parents that didn’t care who he loved. Parents that let him be who he wanted to be. They had never once let him down. This time it felt easier to fall. 

When he was done Changkyun took a long drink of coffee feeling it’s warmth slide down his throat and fill his belly. He sipped more, fixing his eyes on the scuff marks on the table. He ignored all the other patrons of the cafe silently hoping they didn’t see him cry. 

“Is there anything someone at the university can do?” 

His mom was always the pragmatic, logical thinker. Fiercely loyal and smart. It made her the best teacher, the best mom. 

He shifted the phone to his other ear, rubbing the heated one between his fingers. Her question made him pause but other thoughts came to mind. 

“He’s not going to change, mom.”

“You’re right, you’re right. We’ll figure this out together, okay? Your father and I will call you soon.” 

“Thank you,” he mumbled softly, quietly. 

“Changkyun, we’d do anything for you. Everything will be okay. Stay by the phone.” 

“Mhm.” 

“We love you.” 

“Love you back.” 

Changkyun set the phone down on the table. He closed his eyes and counted to five. When he opened his eyes he exhaled and sat up straighter, pushing his back against the chair. 

The hardest part was over. 

Relief washed over him in waves, soft and slow. 

A chair scraped close behind him, dragging on the floor. He ignored the sound, reaching into his backpack for headphones. Grabbing them, they laid in a tangled mess on the table. They took a good thirty seconds to unravel but he plugged them in and played a song, unknowingly humming the tune. 

Another tap on the shoulder had him jumping from his seat. His shoulders swiveled to look at the person to his side. His earbud fell out and loudly played Hozier through the speaker. 

“Good taste in music,” a happy voice commented. 

Changkyun paused the song. He gulped, dryness stuck in his throat. 

“Thanks. One of my favorite albums.” 

“Me too! Is okay if I sit here for a second?” 

The boy was tall with broad shoulders. His hair was a shade between green and blue yet it suited him perfectly. Once he smiled Changkyun noticed the dimples immediately. 

It was the same person from before. 

“Sure..” 

Changkyun was beginning to realize _ sure _ was his favorite word when he didn’t know what else to say. 

“I’m Jooheon. You are?” 

A blush crept up on Changkyun’s cheeks, flushing him a light pink. He grazed the top of his of his reddening ear with light fingers. He hadn’t really talked to anyone in weeks of being here, now someone was talking to him on his last day? 

“Changkyun.” 

“My roommate does that,” Jooheon shared. “He likes touching his ears, other people’s ears. I thought it was really weird, but seeing you do it like that it must be a thing. Nervous habit?” 

“Ah..ah, well—”

“You’re a freshman right, Changkyun?”

“Is it that obvious?” Changkyun sighed, turning his head towards the warm hood of his sweatshirt. He breathed in the fresh scent of the fabric softener his mom usually bought. 

“You look young, that’s all! I promise.”

“I’m hoping that’s a good thing.” 

Changkyun pulled his other earbud out and smoothed his hands over his hair. It had fully dried from his shower and he wasn’t sure how he looked. He felt like a disheveled mess. 

“Do you live in the dorms then?” 

A barista with cropped black hair in a spiky style brought Jooheon’s drink to their table. They both sat back, giving her room. 

“Here you go! Sorry it took so long, we had to grind fresh espresso beans. Enjoy!”

Jooheon responded with a huge grin and murmured his thanks.

“Yeah..” Changkyun grumbled, watching the barista walk away. His eyes returned to Jooheon. “I’m guessing you don’t. Junior, senior?”

“I’m in my second year.” 

“Oh. I wish I was..”

“Why?” 

“I don’t like living in the dorms.” 

Changkyun’s lips pressed into a tight line. He gripped his fingers tighter around his cup. The contents were mostly gone and the last few dregs had probably gone cold.

“I—I overheard your conversation,” Jooheon admitted bluntly. Changkyun’s eyes grew wide with panic but Jooheon raised his hand to reassure. His own eyes were soft and full of emotion. “I didn’t mean to, I’m just really nosy. It sounds like you need a place to stay?”

His heart quickened knowing someone heard what he said aloud. Everything about his roommate, why he needed to leave. He should’ve been more careful, should’ve talked to his family in private. 

Words rolled off his tongue, trying to hastily explain, “I’m having a roommate issue that’s—” 

Jooheon looked at him with such genuine concern that it stopped him in his tracks. It made his chest swell and feel warm just like when his parents cared for him. Did he really need to make excuses and tell more lies? His roommate was an asshole and that was a fact. 

Changkyun couldn’t meet his gaze and looked down into his hands, lacing them together over the table. He pursed his lips then told the stranger his truth. 

“I need to leave. I.. I don’t feel safe there. So I think I’m going to go home.” 

“Thank god I’m a nosy person,” Jooheon blurted out, sliding his hand across to Changkyun’s wrist. He gently rubbed his arm over his sleeve. “I know we just met and all, but you could live with me? I live in a big house not far from campus, it’s super close. My friend Minhyuk is studying abroad so his room is open.”

Changkyun shook his head in disbelief. The skin felt warm everywhere Jooheon touched. He cocked his head to the side, jutting his ear out. 

“What? What are you saying?”

“I heard you talk to your mom and you sounded so down about being here. And then I remembered we have a room! You could come check it out and see it all for yourself.” 

Something stirred in Changkyun’s belly and it felt an awful lot like hope. 

Or it could’ve been too much coffee on his empty stomach. 

But maybe—just maybe—he didn’t need to leave after all. 

His breath hitched, nervous about the possibility. He clung to the words like a life raft, lips trembling as he asked, “How much?” 

Jooheon’s eyebrows knit together then he smoothed his tongue over his lips. After a short pause he explained in a rush. 

“Well.. that’s the weird thing. Not that weird. It’s free. We all live there for free.” 

A hiccup came out of Changkyun’s throat. Jooheon slowly smiled, wrapping his hands around his to-go cup. Steam released in strong, steady waves in front of his face. He leaned forward, breathing softly to cool the liquid, pushing the warmth towards Changkyun. 

“Ho-how?”

A sound bleeped from Jooheon’s phone, a notification of some sort, and he turned to look at his screen. He chuckled then turned over the phone, his entire focus back on him. 

“Sorry, one of my roommates.” 

There was a fondness in his eyes that Changkyun couldn’t help but notice. It glowed. 

“It’s a long story, but my roommate’s dad bought the house for him to live in while he was in university. It’s just another investment for him, you know? Rich family of doctors and all.” Jooheon took a sip of his latte and hissed from the hot temperature. “So it just happened to be a huge house and we’re all his best friends.” 

“How many of you live there?”

“Six of us total, but with Minhyuk gone just us five.” 

“And it’s free.” 

His defenses told him to be careful, to avoid pain and getting hurt, to not have too much hope. But the look in Jooheon’s eyes challenged that, showing a kind and friendly person who may very well just _ care_. He drummed fingers against the edge of the table still not saying a word. 

“I can give you my number. Just think about it.” 

Changkyun unlocked his phone and let Jooheon type his digits in. 

“Call me. I mean it. Plus you need to show me that playlist, I know you’ve got killer taste in music.” 

Jooheon put the lid back on his latte and stood up standing tall. He pushed the chair in and grinned down at him. 

“I’ll be sad if I don’t hear from you, Changkyunnie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very much for reading this chapter and sticking with me. This is most of the angst, but there will be more here and there throughout the rest. It wouldn't be a fic of mine without a little more. 
> 
> When do you think Changkyun and Kihyun will reunite? Time will only tell.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another trigger warning needed here: homophobic slur. As always, all mistakes are my own. I'm actively trying to use less commas. If you know of a support group for that, please let me know. Twitter updates posted on @misslauren514 if you don't always check here. If you'd like to say hi, don't be shy!

* * *

“A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.”

―Walter Winchell

* * *

Changkyun found himself walking to his next class although his mind was still in every place but the lecture hall. He sat in one of the back rows, slinking down into the hard, wooden seat. He didn’t look at the professor once, staring at the dirty chalkboard behind him, full of white dust and black erasers. The students around him took diligent notes while all of Changkyun’s things sat untouched in his backpack on the floor next to his feet. 

Everything sounded like white noise. The professor’s lecture, the constant tapping of fingers on keyboards, the hum of everyone breathing, the heaters behind them hissing. Everything. 

He wasn’t even sure why he came. 

He let his mind wander. Then came worry, then everything else in between. 

But most of all he thought about the boy from the cafe. 

Jooheon—his contagious smile and his comforting words. Those dimples that now felt more like beacons, guiding Changkyun straight to him. It was like giving water to someone wandering in the desert. And he wanted to drink every last bit. 

For the first time in a long time he felt seen.

Maybe—just maybe—he wasn’t quite ready to give up. 

The class hour ended and everyone left the hall in a rush filling out the two main doors. He stayed in his seat in the far back corner staring ahead at the clock on the wall. It ticked sixty beats. He counted them twice until it read 12:02 pm. 

In that time he had settled on a decision. 

A new determination filled him, pushing him out the door and pressing call on the new number in his phone. He waited, holding his breath. 

“Changkyun? I knew it! You called! Want to come over and see our place?” Jooheon yelled excitedly. 

Changkyun softly smiled at hearing Jooheon’s voice. He walked away from the communications building and headed towards the center of campus. He paused, walking off to the grassy quad. With his shoes he kicked at some fallen leaves rustling them about. In aimless paths he wandered across the campus grounds. 

“I can wait for you. When are you done with class for the day?” 

“I’ll come get you right now. I have econ class in an hour but they tape the lectures so I’ll just watch it online.” 

“Are you sure? I can wait.” The last thing Changkyun wanted was to inconvenience him. He rubbed the inside of his sleeve with his thumb, comforted by the soft fabric. He veered off in the grass and walked until he found a large maple tree. He leaned his body against the trunk. “It’s really okay. You’re already being so nice for talking to me. The fact that you even offered—” 

Jooheon laughed and cut him off. In the background Changkyun heard shuffling, quick movement. “Where are you? I’ll start shouting Marco Polo if you don’t tell me.” 

Changkyun chuckled, a real laugh, and felt his lips tug up to smile. He looked around seeking the nearest building. Next to him was an expansive, six-story building with glossy tinted windows. The sign near the front told him what department it was for. 

“I think I’m in front of the Chemistry building.” 

“Ah! Give me like three and a half minutes. Bye!” 

The call disconnected. Changkyun pulled the phone away from his ear and looked down at it blinking. Jooheon was coming to get him, to help him. Was this all really happening? 

He texted a quick message to his mom. 

_ I’m doing a little better, feeling okay. Call you in an hour. _

Her response came back after a two minutes. 

_ We’re calling the school. Update you soon, honey. We love you. _

They were calling the school? What did that mean? He didn’t have more than a few seconds to worry, to let the anxiety set in before he heard someone with loud, huffing breaths approach. As he looked up Jooheon jogged towards him at full speed. 

Once he was within several feet Changkyun saw the beads of sweat on his brow, more at the edge of his hairline. He stopped just short, his body hurling to a stop. Changkyun held out his arms and helped Jooheon stay upright, holding most of his weight. Jooheon’s body wobbled needing a second to recalibrate. 

“You didn’t have to rush!”

Jooheon bent over and put his hands on his knees, sucking in deep breaths. He lifted his hand up and waved it as if to say_ just a moment. _Changkyun backed up, reaching up to scratch the back of his head, musing his hair. 

“Okay, okay,” the older boy murmured. “I’m good. But I shouldn’t do that again.” He shook his head then lifted his fingers to pat away the sweat. Changkyun watched, his mouth open. “You’ll know this soon enough, but I’m a little impulsive.” 

Changkyun already knew that much. “Well, you did talk to a crying freshman in a cafe.” His eyes were light with the hint of a smile. “And offered him to move into your house where you don’t even pay rent.” 

Jooheon came in closer, wrapping his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders. He smelled faintly like sweat and minty shower gel. His smile stretched from ear to ear. “Oh you’re funny too! I can’t wait for the guys to meet you.”

He steered them south walking through a part of campus Changkyun didn’t know well. 

“It’s not far from here, just a few more minutes.” 

Jooheon dropped his arm but stayed close, occasionally bumping into him as they walked. A few people waved recognizing Jooheon as they passed. He smiled and waved at everyone he saw. When they encountered a group of guys in soccer jerseys one gave him a high five. To Changkyun it was all a blur through tired eyes. He yawned, covering his mouth with the palm of his hand.

There was a small bit of jealousy in the back of his mind but more than that, a genuine curiosity.

“You’re popular?” 

“Popular?” Jooheon chewed on the word. His nose scrunched up while he thought about it after a minute. “I just like people.” He gently bumped his hip against Changkyun’s side. “Can’t you tell? I get really sad when I’m alone. I hate being lonely.” 

“Me too,” Changkyum mumbled. 

Jooheon looked down to him, slowing his pace. The blue-green tones in his hair sparkled in the sunlight. Changkyun couldn’t help but return his gaze seeing his soft, hopeful expression.

“I have a good feeling about this.” 

Changkyun hoped Jooheon was right. 

The campus buildings around them spread out and the landscape slowly changed. To their right was a side street full of residential houses. It expanded into a full-on neighborhood. Cars lined the street parked in neat, efficient rows. Gorgeous, flowering trees lined up parallel to them, framing the street like the borders of a picture. It felt like something straight out of a movie. 

And straight ahead massive, expansive buildings took up the entire skyline. 

“The university hospital is up ahead,” Jooheon waved a hand ahead. He then pointed right as they turned on the sidewalk. “Our house is over here. We live just down the road.” 

“Wow..” 

The houses grew in size looking like proper family homes. Many had gates and fences and a few had driveways and garages. Each house was bigger than the last. 

“A lot of the doctors and professors live right here. We’re kinda lucky.” 

“Kind of? This is insane.” 

The house to their right was perfectly white with slabbed neutral slabbed stone pavers for a driveway and bright flower gardens to match. The next house was grey, modern and sleek, and the one after that was brown with a white, low-profile fence and a dog barking in the yard. Across the street Changkyun saw just as perfectly kept homes of all builds and styles. 

“I don’t even know where I would be living if it wasn’t for Dr. Yoo,” Jooheon explained, stopping in front of a gorgeous, three-story house. He stood, slotting his hands in his coat pocket, letting Changkyun take it in. They were silent for several moments before he softly murmured, “We’re home.” 

_ Home. _

Blood pumped quickly through Changkyun’s chest warming his entire body. He suddenly felt awake. Breaths circulated fast, air rapidly filling up his lungs. And this time it wasn’t from fear but anticipation. 

They stood in front of a large, sliding gate that was big enough for a car to pass through. Jooheon’s hands found a keypad and pressed in the code. The gate slid open revealing a large driveway and two-car garage. The home’s exterior was a gorgeous dark blue with white trim, matching shutters and what seemed to be marble stone pavers beneath their feet. 

The house was massive, modern, and beautiful. Everything looked expensive and luxurious and—and _ perfect_. 

“You.. this.. Is it?” 

“Nice, isn’t it? We call it the Blue House. Cause it’s a blue house!” 

Changkyun’s jaw went slack and he stumbled forward, feeling Jooheon’s hand pushing at his lower back. His legs didn’t want to move, stuck like glue on the ground. 

Before him was the most perfect home he’d ever seen. 

The flowerbeds in the front were full of colorful plants and perennials of all shapes and sizes, many already transitioned for fall. Perfectly shaped shrubs lined under the windows and near the edge of the fence. Musical birds fluttered around, flying in and around the feeders hung on shepherds hooks near the garage door. 

Changkyun’s eyes scanned so quickly his glasses slid from his nose. He paused, pushing them back up, quickly figuring out where to look next. 

Jooheon laughed at him, continuing to walk to the front door, a wooden marvel with a framed window at the top and dark iron accents. 

In the middle of the driveway Changkyun held his breath. 

Hours ago he laid awake, wishing for something, _ anything_. He just needed a sign. 

And in that very moment he had a really strong feeling that when he walked in that house he might just find one if he hadn’t found it already. He needed to thank the universe for the person standing at the threshold grinning at him like a fool. 

Jooheon waved his arm, “C’mon! Don’t you want to see more?” His words beckoned and Changkyun's feet hesitantly moved forward, closer to the place he might call home. 

“I’m coming.” 

The inside was every bit as perfect as he imagined. It was modern and clean and big. Really, really big. The first area he walked into was an entry, full of shoes and coats and bags proving that Jooheon did live with many others. There were too many pairs of shoes to count. 

He followed Jooheon down the hall where there were several doors mostly closed. Jooheon pointed to them as he went. “Bathroom, closet.. Bedroom, bedroom. And our favorite space..” 

His voice trailed off as the hallway led and opened into the largest living room he’d ever seen. In front of him was a large floor to ceiling fireplace and what had to be a 70 inch TV. On it played a soccer game with the volume low. He didn’t recognize any of the two teams. 

Changkyun shuffled his feet, now only wearing socks, near the massive couch. It was so big it could fit twenty people and it was in the shape of a U. As he moved closer he heard a quick breath and what he thought was snoring. A large figure on the couch moved under a blanket and the snoring continued. 

“That’s probably Shownu.” 

Jooheon stood in the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the stainless steel fridge. He held his up and nodded towards him. “Want one, ‘Kyun?” 

Changkyun shook his head to decline. His head swirled around to observe the high-ceilings and intricate details of the home. There was so much to look at, to take in. 

“Should we be quiet?” Changkyun whispered, tip-toeing to the other side of the living room. 

“Nah,” Jooheon licked his lips. “Shownu naps all the time. It’s like a hobby for him. He can sleep through anything. Although not fireworks, we learned that this summer.” 

Changkyun barely heard what he said, walking to the wall of windows that covered the right hand side of the house, trimmed off in beautiful white-stained wood. The windows showcased wide backyard, green grass peeking out beneath piles of colorful leaves. Next to them a large dining table with eight chairs looked perfectly centered on a chandelier that hung and dazzled from the ceiling. The entire room was bright and open, no clutter in sight. 

The entire left side of the house was the massive kitchen featuring more cabinets than he could count. In the center was a large island—the marble was shiny and stained with various hues of cream and beige. It cascaded down and created a ledge, where several dark bar stools sat.

All together the open-concept space was bigger than most houses he had lived in. 

It was insane, absolutely absurd.

“What do you think?” 

Changkyun’s head was spinning. He picked at his fingers and pulled down the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Hesitation began filling him from the bottom up. Just this morning he was ready to leave, give up and go home. Now he was standing in a house, _ this house_, where he might get to live?

It was all too much. 

“I.. I don’t even know.” 

“Overwhelming? We all kinda still feel that way.” 

“It’s the biggest house I’ve ever seen. And—and it’s so clean.” 

“This area has to stay tidy, that’s one of the rules,” Jooheon said plainly, his fingers motioning towards the entire open space. He stood next to a tall, oversized cabinet, reaching for a bag of chips. He munched on them as he talked, “But we can do our rooms how we want. My room is upstairs, let me show you.” 

Suddenly Changkyun felt Jooheon’s large hand at his wrist, wrapping around it. He tugged him up the grand, spindly staircase that cleaved the living room from the kitchen.

Curiosity bubbled up the question before he could stop it. “So.. Shownu is one of your roommates? Where is everyone else?” 

“Uhh—” Jooheon had to slow down and think. “One is probably at soccer practice or tutoring or something, Hyungwon has class Friday afternoons then rehearsal and Hoseok is either in his room or at the gym.” 

“And everyone has their own room?” 

“Definitely. We might all kill each other if we had to share.” He winked at Changkyun. They arrived at the second floor landing, although there was another set of stairs to take them to the third floor. Music came from one of the nearby rooms. Changkyun saw three doors, all slightly ajar. “Me and Hoseok sleep here and we share that bathroom,” Jooheon pointed to the door in the middle. 

They went towards the closest room and the music grew louder, a pounding, uptempo beat. Jooheon pushed the door all the way open. Changkyun shuffled behind him but someone pushed Jooheon out of the way. 

“Really Hoseok?” 

Changkyun didn’t have time to react before someone came barreling for him wrapping him up in a tight hug. The arms around him felt muscular and the person’s head rested on his shoulder making him several inches taller. There was sweat on his skin, his arms entirely slick. 

He immediately seized up but only for a second while his brain adjusted and processed the touch. It was a hug, nothing more, nothing less. His body slowly relaxed, slumping into the embrace. After a moment it felt good. 

The person pulled back, still keeping his arms around Changkyun’s waist, and smiled at him. “You’re Changkyunnie, right? You’re going to stay here, right?” 

“This is Hoseok..” Jooheon said by way of explanation, covering his smile with his hand. “I called him earlier and made the mistake of telling him you might live with us.” 

“I always wanted another little brother.” 

Hoseok had messy dark hair and smelled like sweat, but clean. His smile was brighter, bigger than Jooheon’s. Changkyun didn’t think it was possible. He was shirtless too, with tight sweatpants on his lower half, the hem of his boxers peeking out. Above that were very well defined abs, the kind someone got from years of training and effort. 

“Don’t scare him off, Hoseok,” Jooheon crunched on more chips. Hoseok gave him a nagging look but let Changkyun go.

“I’m Changkyun,” he said hesitantly, peeking around Hoseok’s shoulders, desperate to turn the attention away from him. 

He noticed two piles of clothes and random odds and ends in Hoseok’s room. Near the window was a bright blue exercise ball and straps hanging from the ceiling. His bed was messy and unmade with a tub a protein powder sitting on the bedside table. 

Hoseok curled his body around his and laid his arm across Changkyun’s shoulders, squeezing his bicep with soft fingers. “I already know that, silly. My room is a mess. I just finished my workout and need to tidy up a bit. Should we show you Jooheon’s room? It’s messier than mine!” 

Hoseok’s words flew by a mile a minute. His energy was wild, hard to contain, just like his smile. He seemed so warm, so bright. It made Changkyun cling more onto the hope blooming in his chest. 

“Hey!” Jooheon said, pouting his lips. “My room isn’t so bad.” 

He was pulled again, this time to the room next door. Jooheon’s room was exactly like Hoseok said. Loose papers covered his entire bed and fell all over the floor. His bed was unmade and his curtains were shut, encasing most of the room in darkness. His desk was full of books that had a thin layer of dust coating the top. A keyboard and guitar rested in the corner of his room looking well used and well loved. 

“He’s been trying to write a love song for a girl,” Hoseok’s eyes sparkled. “So he’s been staying up all night. How’s it going, anyway?” 

Jooheon mumbled under his breath words they couldn’t quite hear. 

“C’mon Jooheonie, tell us.” Hoseok cooed. 

Changkyun laughed softly, seeing their dynamic together. Hoseok moved and pressed against Jooheon’s side, laying his head on his shoulder. “He spends more time doing this kind of thing than studying.” 

“I do not!” 

“Did you go to class today? You’re not there right now.” 

“I did this morning! The other lectures are posted online.. Give me a break, hyung.” 

Jooheon tried to push him away but Hoseok clung tighter. Both their smiles remained. 

“Jooheon thought he could be a rapper once but his lyrics are better suited for love songs.” Hoseok picked up a few of the papers from his beds, glazing his eyes over the words. He pursed his lips, intently reading line by line. “This one is nice, I like the flower imagery,” he handed it to Jooheon. 

“Do you study music, then?” Changkyun asked quietly. 

“He’s undecided,” Hoseok answered for him. “He’ll figure out his major eventually. I study kinesiology. I’m going to be a trainer one day.” 

One look at his physique and Changkyun knew that dream would come true. 

“Are you a sophomore too?” 

“I’m a junior. I’ll finish in two years. Who knows when this guy will finish.” 

Hoseok poked at Jooheon’s side and he squirmed out of the way. 

“Enough, enough. Let’s go back downstairs. I need to show Changkyun his room.” 

“I’m coming too!” Hoseok squealed, leading the way down the stairs. He took them two at a time, flinging himself down them at a speed Changkyun couldn’t even calculate. He and Jooheon followed slowly while Hoseok waited at the bottom. As soon as they were within reach he grabbed the bag of chips from Jooheon’s hand and shoved a handful in his mouth. 

“Isn’t that against your diet?” 

“It’s the weekend, it doesn’t count.” 

Jooheon rolled his eyes and Hoseok beamed, mouth full of food. He walked backwards down the hall still facing both of them. Changkyun quietly trailed behind. A bundle of nerves appeared in his belly, twisting and poking at his insides. 

“Is Ki home?” Hoseok asked after swallowing. 

“Class, I think? His schedule is so crazy I never know where he is.” 

They stopped in front of a closed door. 

“This is it, ‘Kyun.” Jooheon grabbed the handle and pushed open. “Minhyuk is really clean so he left it in good shape. The rest of his stuff is in storage in the basement.” 

The room was a similar size to the ones upstairs, with bright, open ceilings. The windows were large, overlooking the neighborhood outside. A queen size bed took up the middle of the room. Across from it stood a rectangular dresser and matching desk. A ceiling fan whirled overhead, moving the air. The walls were a creamy white and entirely bare, save for a mirror near the closet door. 

“Is it okay?” 

“Minhyuk won’t be back for awhile.” 

Jooheon and Hoseok’s words felt like a weight on his chest. Changkyun’s heart skipped a beat. This was someone else’s room no matter how much he wanted it to be his. The warm, comforting feeling of the entire house, each person he met, it didn’t belong to him. 

He didn’t want to let it all go, but he couldn’t hang onto false hope. 

“I can’t take his room. It’s not right, he’ll be back eventually.” 

“No, no, you can. Stay here,” Hoseok pouted. 

“I don’t think I can.” 

“Changkyun..” Jooheon’s usually cheery voice stopped him, suddenly somber, quiet. “I meant what I said. I have a good feeling about this, you living with us. Minhyuk would want it.” 

“But he’ll come back? And then where will I go?” Changkyun looked at the floor, unable to meet their eyes. “I can’t just be a stray cat that wanders around all alone.” 

Everything felt overwhelming again. His hopes, his good feelings, now under a cloud of doubt.

He shuffled back into the corner of the room, hanging his head. Tears threatened to fall. He breathed in, holding them back as best as he could. 

“Hey, hey Changkyunnie..” Hoseok came closer and wrapped him in a hug. Changkyun’s body caved into his warmth, his careful touch, cherishing how good it felt to be taken care of. “We want you here. Jooheon told us he met someone who needed our help.” 

Changkyun’s eyes went wide, wondering. 

“You told them? Everything?” 

Jooheon’s hands shot out in self-defense. “I didn’t! I didn’t.. I promise, Changkyun.” 

Hoseok’s warm hands rubbed at his back. “Whatever it is, we’ll take care of you now.” 

The words seemed impossible, improbable. He blinked, trying to let his brain catch up. A tear escaped, falling slowly down his cheek. He didn’t care, didn’t wipe it away. 

He said the words that needed to be said. “My roommate kicked me out because I’m gay.” 

His head turned toward the wall, avoiding their responses. He pulled back away from Hoseok, putting tangible distance between them. He couldn’t bare it, couldn’t handle it if—

“Then you’re definitely staying here.” 

It was Hoseok’s sure, steady voice that raised goosebumps on his flesh all the way down his spine. He felt cold and warm all at once. 

“What?” 

“Why should we care who you love?” 

The question seemed simple, easy. It matched the compassion in Hoseok’s eyes. Changkyun watched him back up and sit on the bed, those dark brown eyes never leaving his. 

“But I’m a freshman. You’ll think I’m annoying and immature and—”

“When can we go get your stuff?”

Changkyun suddenly looked around, searching for the strong, deep voice that spoke. Jooheon and Hoseok turned to the door and noticed someone standing in the center of the frame. 

He was tall, just like they all were, with a clear, tan complexion and honest, brown eyes. His clothes were wrinkled from sleep. 

“Shownu!” Jooheon yelled. 

“Hyung!” Hoseok greeted him. 

Shownu rubbed his back emphasizing toned muscles in his arm as it flexed. His gaze was directed at Changkyun and although sleepy, his words were clear. “We can go with you, when you get your stuff. You don’t need to go back there alone.” 

“Shownu is our papa bear.” Jooheon sat next to Hoseok on the bare mattress. He raised his arms out, stretching them wide. “Does this mean you’ll stay here? Look at this big, spacious room.”

“But Minhyuk..” Changkyun clenched his hands. “The other roommates?”

“He’d want you to stay here too. Should we call him and ask?” Jooheon reached for his phone. 

Hoseok wondered innocently, “What’s the time difference to France?” 

Changkyun held his hands up, flexing his stiff fingers. His eyebrows knit together, still concerned. 

“Shouldn’t you all talk, decide before you agree to this?” 

“Talk?” 

“I still haven’t met everyone. Maybe they won’t like me? I don’t want to make anyone uncom—”

“You should stay,” Shownu interrupted. 

“I can’t.”

“You can. Please?” Jooheon’s crestfallen eyes found his, locking him in. “I can’t let you go back there, not after knowing the things you said.” He took a deep breath, exhaling as Hoseok rubbed his back. “I’m sorry, I’m nosy and overstepping.. But I mean it. Stay at university. Stay with us.” 

Stay with us. 

Stay with us. 

_ Stay with us. _

All it took was those three little words and he was crumbling. Changkyun’s knees slightly buckled. He blinked too fast, tears overflowing onto his cheeks running tracks down his jaw to his chin. He wiped at them hastily with the back of his hand, trying to hold it together. 

His lips wobbled, trembling. “I’m sorry, I feel so stupid..” he twisted his fingers around the hem of his sweatshirt, tugging a loose thread. Every thought in his mind came out in a wave, so fast he couldn’t stop it. “I’m just so fucking exhausted and these last few days.. and everything you’re saying, what you want to do for me. It’s so much, it’s too nice—” He cut himself off, needing to take a breath. “I don’t even deserve this, I want to say yes but my brain is screaming no.” His eyes shut, forcing out those thoughts. A swell of panic rushed through him. 

Shownu came up behind him resting soft, gentle hands on his shoulders. “It’s okay, you’re okay. Just breathe for a sec.” 

He did his best to listen to let it flow and pour out of him like water on the tides. Every second, then every minute he felt closer to himself, slowly falling back to normal breathing patterns. 

“Please stay,” Hoseok murmured, quirking his head. “We’ll make sure nothing like what you went through ever happens again.” 

Their words had meant everything to him, so much more than they would ever know.

“If you think Minhyuk wouldn’t care.. Then I’ll stay. For as long as you’ll have me.”

“Forever!” Hoseok launched himself at Changkyun, wrapping his arms around his waist and hoisting him up, spinning him in a circle. “Stay here forever.” 

They spun, and spun, and spun some more. By the end, Changkyun’s grin was ear to ear and his head was spinning as fast as the ceiling fan above. 

When Hoseok stopped and his legs faltered, Shownu stepped in with a helping hand at his back, holding both of them up. He reached for Changkyun and pulled him down, holding him upright with strong, sturdy arms. 

“Thanks, hyung,” Changkyun mumbled, his head still spinning. 

“It’s a bit of a circus around here, but you’ll get used to it,” Shownu winked. 

“Yes, yes!” Hoseok shot his fists into the air like he’d one first place. 

“I’m going to find a snack. Let me know when we’re heading over to your dorm.” 

Shownu walked out, Hoseok was in his own little world, and Changkyun finally turned to Jooheon. 

“Are you really sure about this?” 

Jooheon stood and looked around the room for a quiet moment. Although it was mostly empty it felt strangely full. He nodded once, a smile slowly forming. 

“You’re stuck with us now.” 

  
  


*!*!* 

  
  


Changkyun excused himself to call his mom and dad, finding privacy out in the driveway. He wandered in a circle, biting his lip while the call connected. 

“Mom?” 

“Honey, Changkyun’s called!” His mother shouted to his father. “Changkyun, what’s going on?” 

“It’s a really long story.. but you don’t have to come tonight. I promise I’ll be okay.” He paused, rubbing his hand over his chest. His fingers looped around the string of his hoodie tugging it down. “I found a new place to stay. They are going to help me move tonight.”

His mother sighed audibly. “Are you sure you don’t want to come home? We won’t be disappointed in you. We want you to be happy.”

Her words were a comfort that soothed his healing heart. 

As much as he wanted to leave, he had found a greater reason to stay. 

“I’m okay for right now. It’s been a crazy day.. But I feel good, I promise.” He couldn’t help but smile. The warmth from the sun beat down on his cheeks and he basked in it. 

“Some things fall apart so better things fall together,” she quoted in a sing-song voice. “I’m so glad for you. Should we come tomorrow, instead?” 

“We miss you, Changkyun,” his father’s voice boomed through the receiver. 

“I miss you guys too. But I might need some time to settle in, and ah—catch up on school a bit. I didn’t go to all my classes this week.” 

He had left that part out earlier. His fingers reached up and rubbed his ear, now reddening. 

“You’ll be just fine. You’re very smart,” she reassured. “We’ll come another weekend.” 

“That reminds me, you said you called the school?” 

“Yes. They’ll let you out of your housing contract with a refund if there are issues of..” his mom paused. “Harassment. Physical or otherwise,” she finished slowly. 

“Oh,” Changkyun processed that information carefully. “I’ll do it—I’ll tell them. If it gets your money back.” 

“We would never force you to, honey. The money isn’t important to us. We’ll figure it out.” 

“It’s important to me and they should know what kind of scum is living there. I’ll—I’ll tell them soon, see what they’ll do. I want to.” 

“We’re proud of you no matter what, Changkyun. I’m so glad you’re going to stay.” 

Changkyun’s entire body warmed at the praise. “Me too.” 

They said long, loving goodbyes and when the line disconnected, he let out a heavy breath of relief. 

Around him was the house, the house he was going to move into. The people inside barely felt like strangers and instead acted like his friend, his brother. They had done so much for him in a matter of hours. So much had changed in so little time. 

He looked up at the blue, cloudless sky, blinded by the sun. Just twelve hours ago he was looking at the moon feeling like darkness had swallowed him whole. 

So he thanked the stars, every single one that heard his prayers. Even though he couldn’t see them, he knew that they were still there. 

  
  


*!*!* 

  
  


Changkyun’s stomach growled twice on their way back to his dorm. It was real hunger since he hadn’t eaten a proper meal in days but he couldn’t imagine eating now with the current churning in his stomach. He crossed his arms over his body, holding himself in a hug and stared out the window. 

“Changkyunnie,” Hoseok turned to him, cutting off his conversation with Shownu. “Hungry?” 

Shownu was driving, one hand draped over the wheel, focusing intently on the road. Hoseok twisted all the way around to look at him in the backseat where he sat next to Jooheon. The car belonged to one of the other roommates he hadn’t met yet. The SUV was sleek and black and expensive looking. The interior was plush leather and wooden trim. Even the windows were tinted dark, making it hard to see inside. It was far too nice of a vehicle to get sick in. 

Changkyun’s finger hovered over the window lever, just in case he needed fresh air.

“I’ll be alright,” he mumbled, turning slightly. 

“Let’s get pizza!” 

“Hoseok-ah,” Jooheon tilted his head and looked at him with admiration. “You have the greatest ideas.” 

Hoseok winked, his tongue darting out to lick his lower lip. 

“I could eat a whole pizza. I’m starving,” Shownu announced.

Outside his window the campus flew by in blurs of color and light. Changkyun felt safe in the car surrounded by his new friends, yet it didn’t quell the worry in his mind. 

Earlier he realized that if they were going to help him they needed to know what happened. So before they left, he explained. He didn’t tell them every horrible, gritty thing, but it was enough. 

Their reactions of love, concern, and anger made his heart swell twice its size. It strained against his ribs, making him feel warm and soft inside like a marshmallow. By the end of their conversation, Hoseok had curled himself around him like a sloth, holding tight. Jooheon looked furious, squeezing his hands into fists. Shownu looked oddly calm and remained rational. 

“Changkyun,” Hoseok called, bringing him back to the present. 

“He—he might try to come at me again,” he warned them softly. He recognized the buildings now. They were getting closer. 

It was Jooheon that responded with easy confidence. “If he does, he’s going to regret it.” 

“Don’t look so nervous,” Shownu found his eyes through the rearview mirror, holding the gaze. “He can’t do anything to you with us there.” 

“He’d be stupid to try,” Jooheon glanced up from the phone in his hand. 

Hoseok squirmed in his seat, pointing ahead. “We’re here.” 

Changkyun’s lips fell open and a rush of air spilled from his lungs. Jooheon leaned closer and rested his hand on his thigh, squeezing. 

“Don’t worry. We’ll be by your side the entire time.” 

  
  


*!*!*

  
  


Changkyun stood in front of the door to his dorm room. His heart pounded so loud it rattled in his ears. His keys shook in his hand clanging metal on metal. He knew he would have to come back here but now standing in front of the white door too many bad thoughts swirled in his mind. 

“Should we..” someone whispered behind him. 

“Let’s give him a minute,” Shownu replied.

But one minute turned into two, then three. Finally, a warm hand wrapped around Changkyun’s and squeezed softly. He fumbled at the touch, losing his balance with unsteady legs. 

“Hey, hey, I’ve got you,” Jooheon whispered in his ear, holding him up against his chest. “We’ve got you.” 

“Let us take over, okay Changkyun?” Hoseok asked, searching for agreement in his eyes. 

Changkyun straightened then backed up to let them through. He gulped, his throat inexplicably dry, and nodded silently. 

Jooheon and Shownu moved, gently grabbing the keys from his clenched hands. The door unlocked with ease, swinging open. They walked inside ignoring who they assumed to be Changkyun’s ex-roommate, gawking at them from a wooden desk on his side of the room. 

His stare melted into ice daggers, glaring. “Who are you?” 

Changkyun stood in the doorway, flinching at the enraged tone he used. 

“Why are you in my fucking room?” his roommate yelled, standing up. His chair fell back onto the floor in a loud clang. 

“Mind your business,” Jooheon said cooly, prowling around his bed to get to Changkyun’s side. 

He and Shownu went straight to the closet, opening it up to find his suitcases and two empty tote bins. 

“We’ll start here,” Shownu said, looking up to Hoseok. “Take the desk?” 

Hoseok nodded, pushing Changkyun further into the room, rushing him across. He stood awkwardly at the window and thrusted his hands in his sweatshirt pocket. 

“We’ll do the work, just give us a few minutes.” 

Changkyun bit at his lower lip and tried to calm his racing heart. He avoided looking at anything in particular, shifting his gaze until he accidentally caught his roommates expression. It was far too easy to notice his clenched fists, wild eyes, and anger bubbling underneath the surface of his skin. His lips crept up into a snarling smile before Changkyun could look away. 

“So you’re finally leaving? Good riddance.” 

Shownu gripped the edge of Changkyun’s suitcase, instantly dropping the shirt he was folding. He took a deep breath, trying to ignore him and push past it until—

“Faggot,” his roommate muttered under his breath. 

For one second everything froze, including Changkyun. 

Even though heard the word from his lips before it still felt like an electric shock, harmful and paralyzing. For years he endured hearing it from bullies at school. No matter how many times it was said to him it always hurt the same. 

Hoseok hissed, air slowly seeping from his lungs. He turned away from his task and sized his roommate up, rolling his shoulders once, then twice. Before he could move, Jooheon and Shownu looked at the contemptuous, hateful look on the boys face. 

They looked to each other once then nodded together. 

Shownu walked around his bed, charging for his roommate. His chiseled cheeks and pouted lips were stunning even when he was angry. Darkness clouded his eyes like a brewing storm. 

“Who do you think you are? A tough guy?” 

His roommate’s mouth flopped open, random sounds stuttering out. 

“Do you think you’re a better person, belittling him? Because you’re not.” 

Shownu moved closer, arms swaying at his sides in steel fists. They came dangerously close. His roommate flinched, eyes completely wide. Blood drained from his face leaving him pale, visibly shaking. Was it from anger, or now fear? It was hard to tell. 

“If you ever say another negative word, comment, or mean thing to Changkyun again I won’t be so kind to leave this at words.” 

Jooheon walked up behind him, towering over his shoulder. “Did you hear what he said?” 

His roommate nodded, dumbfounded. 

“I always keep my word,” Shownu said with conviction. “Now leave. I can’t stand to even look at you.” 

The boy scrambled, almost falling to the floor. He grabbed his phone, shoes, and shot out the door. But not without a final look at Changkyun across the room. His expression was unreadable but his eyes were dark. Pitch black like night, unyielding. 

Changkyun sagged against the wall, staring at the door open to the hallway. It was utterly silent in the room. Tears of relief prickled at the corners of his eyes, spilling onto his cheeks, his nose. He coughed, struggling with air catching in his throat. 

Hoseok tugged him toward the bed, encouraging him to sit. He did, running his hands across the soft blue comforter covering it. It was one of his favorite possessions, his most comforting item. He sniffled once, then twice, wiping at the snot under his nose. 

“He’s gone now, he won’t bother you again,” Hoseok reassured. 

Shownu crossed the room in long strides and got to his knees, looking at him tenderly. He raised both hands to Changkyun’s cheeks and softly pressed his thumbs to wipe away the tears. The sweeping motions soothed him, calming his uneven breaths. 

“Don’t let him bring you down. He’s nothing.” 

“He’s worse than nothing,” Hoseok repeated, a hand on his shoulder, softly rubbing. 

Jooheon joined on Shownu’s other side, creating a triangle. “You don’t have to worry about him ever again. You’ve got us now.” 

You’ve got us now. 

You’ve got us now. 

_ You’ve got us now. _

He had said variations of that phrase several times throughout the day. It was like he knew exactly how desperate Changkyun was for connection, for comfort, for compassion. It would really take some getting used to, but he didn’t care how long it took.

“Thank you, all of you.” 

The words didn’t feel quite enough but he hoped the gratitude and love in his eyes conveyed the rest. 

Shownu ruffled his hair, smiling. “Let’s pack up and get you home.” 

  
  


*!*!*

  
  


On the drive home a fight about pizza toppings escalated quickly. Shownu and Hoseok wrestled in the living room the second they got home arguing about how much they both could eat. They toppled onto the couch, throw pillows flying in all directions. Neither of them could accept the other could eat more. Jooheon reassured Changkyun this was normal when they waited too long between meals. 

“We just let them work it out,” he explained, unloading boxes into his new room. 

Thirty minutes later five different pizzas laid out on the kitchen island before them each with different toppings. 

Changkyun felt tired but happy. And so very hungry. 

Hoseok handed him a plate. The others had gotten their slices and gathered on the couch where Jooheon was setting up a movie. The opening score blasted through the surround sound speaker so loudly it felt like they were in a movie theater. It startled Changkyun. He gripped the plate in his hands tighter, fearful he might drop it. 

“The surround sound here is pretty impressive,” a voice said to his right. 

Changkyun glanced over and saw an impressively tall, handsome boy with a messenger bag walk into the kitchen from down the main hall. He wore slim fit jeans in a dark wash and an olive green shirt. A sweater slung over his arm, probably to keep himself warm. 

“Sorry I’m late.” 

“Hyungwon!” Hoseok yelled, sliding up to his side. He grinned. “Look who decided to stay.” 

“I’m Ch-Changkyun.” 

“Jooheon texted me. Rehearsal ran late, otherwise I would’ve helped.” 

“Rehearsal?” 

“He’s the lead role in a play,” Jooheon shuffled into the kitchen, already stealing three more slices of pizza. “Hyungwon studies acting.” 

“Wow..” 

“You’ll all be invited to the opening night,” Hyungwon announced proudly. 

“Soon?” Hoseok asked, now peeking over an open box of pizza. A bit of sauce stuck at the bottom of his lip which he attempted to flick away with his tongue. 

Hyungwon shuffled over to Hoseok. He reached a delicate hand up to his face, thumbing at the spot. He rubbed his fingers on the back of his jeans. “A month or two, I think. I’ll have to look at the schedule.” 

“Okay.”

“What are we watching?” Hyungwon left his bag by the island and stalked to the fridge for a bottle of water. He by-passed the pizza and flopped onto the couch next to Shownu. 

Changkyun followed him, plate full of pizza, settling in one of the corners. 

“Some scary movie,” Shownu replied between bites. 

They dug in, eating until they were comfortably full. For Hoseok that meant three trips back into the kitchen and lots of parmesan cheese. Shownu had grabbed an entire pizza box so he didn’t need to leave the couch. Changkyun ate more than he usually did and tried a slice from every kind. When he was done he rubbed his stomach, no longer feeling the pain from hunger.

Night settled in around them cloaking the house in near-darkness. The flicker of light from the big-screen TV lit up the room every few moments but it wasn’t enough to stop the exhaustion from setting in. Each minute Changkyun worked harder at keeping his eyes open, making an effort to stare at the screen. 

It was a losing battle. 

Near the middle of the movie his eyes fluttered closed, his head gingerly propped up by a throw pillow. Hyungwon pulled a nearby blanket over him, covering his entire body. The sound from the speakers became static white noise, lulling him into a deep, restorative sleep. 

By the time the credits rolled the roommates quietly picked up their plates and cleared the kitchen of the empty boxes. Any leftovers went in the fridge, sealed carefully in tinfoil. 

Shownu turned the light on in Changkyun’s new room and scanned the bins on the floor, the two suitcases near the closet. Several boxes perched atop his desk appropriately labeled “bedding.” He went there, pulling open the cardboard to reveal dark blue sheets, his cotton comforter, and soft, feather pillows. 

Hyungwon found him minutes later and helped him fit the sheets to Changkyun’s new bed. When the sheet was secure on the mattress his long fingers slotted pillows into their cases and set them at the top of the bed. 

Jooheon whispered, “Incoming!” 

Hoseok carefully carried Changkyun into the room, one arm clutching his head and shoulders, the other swept under his knees, holding his entire body against his chest. His muscles slightly strained under his weight, very careful to not wake him. 

Hyungwon pulled back the comforter and sheets, guiding him. “Here, hyung.” 

He laid Changkyun down slowly, carefully, until his head lolled back on the pillow. Changkyun remained asleep, a calm, peaceful expression on his face. His skin looked warm and soft, no longer pale. It was much better than the panic and sadness he came to them with. 

Hyungwon tucked the comforter over him for warmth and gently pulled his glasses off, setting them on the nightstand. He whispered, “Sweet dreams, ‘Kyun.” 

Jooheon stood in the doorway, waiting to turn off the light. The others shuffled beside him, leaving so he could shut the door. He pulled the handle, slowly closing it shut. When the door was about to click Jooheon whispered into the darkness. 

“Welcome home, brother.” 

Changkyun fell into a long, dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your patience with my uploads. i do not post on a schedule but try to stay somewhat consistent. but i don't like to make promises because some days/weeks are hard for me. this fic is really special to me and something i hope you all will stick with. is anyone surprised kihyun hasn't showed up yet? stay tuned.. changkyun will find out who his last roommate is in the next chapter. :o 
> 
> i love comments and you all make this darkness feel a little brighter. 
> 
> ot7. always.


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

“It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.”

―William Shakespeare

* * *

  
  


Changkyun’s entire body felt heavy and warm. His fingers grazed the blanket wrapped tightly around his body like a cocoon. He blinked slowly, adjusting to the bright light behind his eyelids. Shafts of soft light filtered into the room through the large open window. Tall, white walls surrounded him. For a moment he had to remind himself where he was. 

The blue house. 

His new home. 

Rolling over, he readjusted his head on the pillow and slowly rose to consciousness. He recognized the feel of the cotton sheets and the blue comforter as his own. And he was on a bed, not the couch in the living room where he remembered falling asleep. 

He tilted his head and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. Blinking, the entire room glowed with warm daylight. With hazy vision he scanned around the bed and noticed opened suitcases, clothes unpacked in his closet, and a few of his belongings scattered on the desk, over the dresser. Their thoughtfulness tugged at his delicate emotions. 

A yawn escaped his mouth, the feeling of grogginess still lingering in his bones. He reached around blindly searching for his phone until his fingers brushed over something hard. It was there, plugged into a charger in the wall he hadn’t put there. He unplugged the device and blearily stared at the screen, pulling it an inch from his face. Squinting he read 11:34 am. 

Changkyun had slept for over 12 hours. There wasn’t a time he remembered sleeping that long or that deeply. He had needed it after so many sleepless nights. Above him the ceiling fan whirled through the air, moving it around and cooling the room. He groaned, trying to shake the lethargic, heavy feeling in his body. He sighed and nestled back into the pillow. 

After a few minutes of falling in and out of sleep, a more pressing need had him climbing out of bed despite the endless warmth and comfort surrounding him. As tempting as staying in bed all day would be he really needed to pee. He sat up and pressed his feet into the soft carpet. His fingers reached around for his glasses yet couldn’t find them. He stood, giving himself a full body stretch to wake up his tired limbs. Outside his room he felt his way down the hall to the bathroom, squinting his eyes to narrow slits. He narrowly knocked his head on the door frame but reoriented himself once he turned on the light. 

Changkyun washed his hands and splashed cold water on his face. The water clung to the edges of his hair, weighing down a few strands. He shook it out knowing it would eventually dry. He rubbed over his shirt, the one he wore yesterday, and scratched at his chest. His lower half remained covered by boxers. He chuckled at the poor roommate who had successfully taken off his skinny jeans last night. Even he had a hard time with them, especially the really tight ones. 

When he felt sufficiently clean and more awake, he decided that finding the coffee supply was the newest priority. The living room was quiet and the kitchen seemed empty. No figures blurred in his vision. He paused for a second and cupped his ear listening to any noises from the roommates upstairs. Footsteps overhead indicated someone was home and he wasn’t alone. 

It was Saturday. He looked forward to learning everyone’s schedules and habits, what they liked and disliked, how they all lived together. He wanted to be one of them, part of the family. They already started treating him like that yesterday and he wanted nothing more than to fit in. 

The kitchen had so many cabinets that it took checking almost every one before he found the glasses and coffee cups. He reached up on tip-toes, grabbing one of each. Turning around to the kitchen sink he ran the tap water cold before filling his glass. He took a tentative sip and felt the cool water slide down his throat. It tasted so good that he drank more, droplets of water spilling from the corners of his mouth. 

Before he could wipe them away he paused, hearing the back door shut and a rustling down the hall. The noise was accompanied by someone now entering his line of vision. He saw the fuzzy, vague outline of a person wearing knee-high white socks, shiny shorts, and a colored shirt. The dark hair atop the person’s head had him questioning. 

“Shownu?”

“Not Shownu,” the person chuckled, sauntering towards him. “But it’s a nice thought.” 

The voice was melodic and soft. Changkyun swore he had heard it before. Hoseok talked faster, had a smoother pitch. Jooheon was much taller and broad. Hyungwon was tall and lanky. If it wasn’t them, then who was it? 

“I’m not wearing my glasses,” he mumbled by way of apology. “I can’t see details without them.” 

“Are you the stray that Jooheon brought in?” the person asked. 

They were standing directly in front of him now. It was times like these his farsightedness was a bother. Changkyun squinted, trying to make out the blurry shape of their face, the details of their clothes. 

The boy took the glass of water from his hand and put it to his lips, finishing it in two big gulps from the sound of it. “Sorry, really thirsty. So—are you? You look a little bit like a kitty cat with that hair.” 

Changkyun immediately felt self conscious, fluffing down the wild strands with his fingers. With how deeply he slept he could only imagine how dishevelled he looked. He regretted not checking his appearance more while he was in the bathroom. 

“Mhm,” he mumbled in response, unsure of what else he should say. He laced his fingers together and waited for this embarrassing moment to be over. 

“Cool,” the boy replied, casually moving around the kitchen. He opened the large pantry door and took out a yellow-looking box and shook the contents. It sounded full. Changkyun watched him reach his hand in, grabbing a handful of something, and put it up to his mouth. After he finished chewing he said, “Oh, right. I’m Kihyun.” 

Changkyun’s knees buckled. He held onto the countertop for support, gripping his fingers against the slick surface. He blanched, his lips slightly parting. “Ki… Kihyun?”

“Yoo Kihyun,” he said between bites. 

His brain immediately flashed back to yesterday when he brushed off something Jooheon said. _ “We wouldn’t live here if it wasn’t for Dr. Yoo.” _Dr. Yoo.. Yoo Kihyun. There were too many pieces of the puzzle he didn’t have, didn’t understand. He shook his head, still disbelieving. It couldn’t be the same Kihyun from the library, the tutor, the handsome boy he avoided staring at for the past several weeks. No, his crush wasn’t standing five feet away—

“Changkyun, right? Are you okay?”

Kihyun came towards him, one arm wrapped around the box against his chest. The other rested on his shoulder, patting softly. The touch felt like a live wire to his skin. He suddenly felt awake, more alert. And that voice—his voice now sounded so distinct and familiar he couldn’t believe he didn’t recognize it sooner. 

The usual butterflies were gone but something else now had his stomach in knots. It felt like snakes, slithering and constricting until everything wound up tight and uncomfortable.

It was confirmation enough that this was real. 

Changkyun swallowed hard, unconsciously reaching across his body to rub at his shoulder. Kihyun’s hand was still there and their hands connected. He felt a real shock this time and immediately pulled his hand to his side. His feet shuffled a few steps back to put some necessary space between them. 

His heart sped up two times fast. It was getting harder to breathe, to understand. Changkyun mumbled, “I really need my glasses.” 

He raced down the hall, almost flinging himself through the wrong door. The door next to his had always been closed and looked identical to his own. But it now stood ajar, beckoning him. Inside was a massive bed and other unfamiliar belongings. Instead of blue tones on the bed everything was white and fluffy and expensive looking, just like a hotel. A duffel bag laid on the carpet inside, tipped to the side like it was thrown there. 

This was definitely not his room. 

And it would be the worst luck if it was Kihyun’s. Right next to his. 

Shaking his head back and forth, Changkyun pushed a few more steps into his own space. Next to the bed he saw the fuzzy outline of a table. He took a breath, steadying himself, then reached blindly until he felt the circular outline of his glasses. He put them on the bridge of his nose and adjusted, finally able to see. 

Blinking, everything around him appeared in stunning clarity. 

And what was even more clear was that a person named Kihyun stood in the kitchen. And that same person probably had the room right next to him, where they shared a wall. 

His heart swelled in his chest, ready to burst at any moment. He rested his hand over it, bunching the fabric of his shirt between his hands, willing it to calm. It had the opposite effect. 

Kihyun. Kihyun. _ Kihyun_. 

How could it be? Kihyun was the last roommate he had yet to meet? Was fate that cruel? 

Changkyun ruined his first impression at the library and now _ this _was the second? Disheveled in the kitchen with awful morning breath? Running away from him the first chance he could get? 

Kihyun was always going to remember him as bumbling, awkward, and weird. 

Great, really great. 

Changkyun dramatically laid back on the bed, stretching out like a star. His fingers rubbed over his face and he pressed his palms into his cheeks. He pulled them back, hands slapping his skin. It stung and everything turned a bit red. But it felt good—the pressure, the connection to reality. 

Because Yoo Kihyun was still in the kitchen, _ his _ kitchen, very likely thinking his new roommate was an absolute lunatic. 

One deep breath in and one deep breath out was all he gave himself. 

Slow to rise, Changkyun stood up and reassessed how he looked. His black shirt was wrinkled and his boxers were tight at his waist and showed far too much of his thighs. His hair had to be a mess and he knew with certainty he had morning breath. He leaned into his arm and sniffed a bit but his usual smell was normal, nothing unpleasant. There were sweatpants in one of his suitcases and he could rush to brush his teeth—but Kihyun had already seen all of him in his full glory, so did it do any good to pretend otherwise? 

He gave himself one measure of security and pulled his black sweatshirt off the floor and slid it on, keeping the hood up to hide his hair. His feet went slowly down the hall, practically tip-toeing to not make a sound. He walked back into the kitchen, his hands awkwardly pushed into the large front pocket. 

Kihyun was where Changkyun had left him, munching away on what Changkyun could now see was Cheerios. 

He turned around as Changkyun re-approached. His glasses helped him clearly see it was a soccer uniform he wore. It was shiny with various blue and white hues and embroidered Adidas stitching. The knee-high socks were adorned with two thick stripes at the top near his knee. His hair was matted and damp, likely from sweat. Around it was a white headband holding all the dark strands back. 

He was unfairly attractive, practically perfect in his eyes. He’d never even imagined a headband being sexy up until now. Changkyun’s heart beat faster the closer he got, not just from proximity, but the wide, gleaming smile on Kihyun’s face. 

“Can you see me now?”

Changkyun’s throat bobbed. “Yes.” 

Kihyun. It really _ was _ him—the boy from the library, the man of his dreams. 

And now his roommate?

“Changkyun, right?”

He nodded, shuffling his feet until one rested atop the other. He moved again not knowing how or where to stand. Eventually he slid his feet together, standing straight and looking ahead. 

“Want some?” Kihyun held up the box of Cheerios. “I suppose we could eat out of bowls. I was just so hungry.” 

Changkyun mumbled something that wasn’t a coherent response but Kihyun understood it all the same. 

Kihyun reached for two bowls while Changkyun pulled open the drawer nearest him for two spoons. He remembered where the silverware was from last night. Hesitantly, he handed them to Kihyun. 

“Thanks,” the older boy replied. “You like milk or cereal first?” 

“C-cereal,” Changkyun coughed. He took one step closer to the fridge. “I’ll get the milk.” 

“Coming right up.” 

He could eat cereal with Kihyun in this house, his house, the one he moved into last night. Everything would be fine. Nothing about this was weird or strange. Everything was normal, perfectly normal. 

“You can pour now,” Kihyun instructed, his eyes glancing at the bowls full of cereal. 

“Sure.” 

Changkyun moved in close enough to see the sweat on Kihyun’s skin and stains of grass on his shirt. He couldn’t stop staring, finding smudges of dirt and mud all over his clothes and down to his socks. Distracted, his eyes stared at the long line of Kihyun’s legs, how lean and conditioned he must be from practices and games. He wondered what the rest of his body looked like underneath the uniform. Would it be just as lean and ton—

To their left movement and then a flash of color appeared at the bottom of the stairs. Hoseok flew down the steps with socked feet and crashed at the bottom ledge on the wooden floor. He seemed to have a habit of doing that, not caring to walk down them like a regular person. 

“Thanks for all your support,” Kihyun grumbled in Hoseok’s direction. The corners of his lips curled down as he spoke. He moved around Changkyun to refill the glass with water and brought it to his lips, sipping it. His eyes glared over the rim of the glass. “None of you came.”

Changkyun filled the bowls with milk and stopped when it hit the perfect ratio. 

Hoseok rubbed at the back of his head, ruffling his hair. “Shit, your game was today?” He came closer and gave Kihyun a hug from the back, squeezing him tight. 

Kihyun growled and tried to shake him off. “Get off me, I’m mad at you.” 

Hoseok hugged him harder, lifting him off the ground. Kihyun squealed, breaking out into a half-smile. “You didn’t remind us!” 

“Everyone was passed out by the time I got home last night. I texted everyone this morning!” Kihyun argued. 

“We’ll go next time. All of us.” Hoseok had the decency to look contrite, knowing they missed it. He squeezed Kihyun again. “Have you met Changkyunnie? We’re keeping him for forever.” 

Kihyun set his feet back on the floor and set down his glass of water. Hoseok clung to his back, wrapping his arms around Kihyun’s shoulders and rested his hands over his well defined chest. Kihyun’s hand reached under his soccer jersey, scratching at his taut stomach. A sliver of skin and a full set of defined abs peeked out as his shirt rode up. 

Changkyun’s mouth went dry. He blinked, wishing he could pause everything if only for a second. There was no way he could forget what he’d just seen. A photographic memory was something he immediately wished for. 

“Yeah, we’re just getting acquainted,” Kihyun answered, pulling his hand away. 

“This is Kihyun’s house.” 

“My dad’s house,” Kihyun corrected Hoseok, narrowing his eyes. 

“Is your dad coming to visit soon? He hasn’t been by in awhile.” 

Kihyun reached for his bowl of cereal, pushing Changkyun’s towards him. He dipped his spoon in and swirled the contents together. “I have no idea.” 

“Didn’t you just see him yesterday?” 

“Yeah, for a ridiculous one hour ceremony and three hour reception. He helped open a new wing in the hospital, it’s not like he cured anything,” Kihyun tried not to roll his eyes. “You’d think they’d get tired of praising him and having all these extravagant events in his honor.” 

“Was there good food at least?” 

“The usual kind—fancy, small portions. I ate some pizza when I got back.”

Hoseok watched his lips move from over his shoulder. He nuzzled into Kihyun’s neck. 

“I like how you smell when you sweat. It must be all that fancy soap you use.” 

“The one you always steal when you go into my bathroom?” 

Hoseok’s cheeks reddened like a kid caught in the cookie jar. “Um…” 

Kihyun lifted the spoon to his lips, crunching down on the cereal with one big bite. He chewed quietly and waited for his response. Hoseok pulled his lips together, holding back a breath. 

“I’m kidding. Use whatever you want, you know that.” 

He went back into the cheerios for a heaping spoonful and pulled it towards Hoseok’s mouth. The older boy opened wide, wrapping his lips around the spoon. Hosoek pouted as he chewed—eyes wide, fluttering lashes—clearly asking for another bite. Kihyun shook his head but fed him again anyway. 

Changkyun watched their interaction and felt instantly jealous of their closeness. It was so easy, they all knew each other so well. He wondered if it would ever be like that for him too?

Kihyun ate two more bites and put the bowl down. “Speaking of, I’ll be back.” 

Hoseok quickly picked the bowl up and ate Kihyun’s remaining cereal. “Kihyun lets us use anything of his,” he said munching loudly on the stolen food. “He’s too nice really.” 

Changkyun stared at him while he ate, his brows furrowed.

Hoseok noticed his apprehension. He put the spoon down, the cereal gone. “He knows any food is fair game if he walks away.” 

“I heard that, you know,” Kihyun rushed back, suddenly shirtless. 

Changkyun choked on his cheerios. He chewed quickly, swallowing as fast as he could. His lungs needed air. He coughed into his hand, both eyes not once leaving Kihyun’s body. 

Every part of Kihyun was lean and trim. The set of abs he glimpsed before was just a teaser, a movie trailer to the full length film he was currently watching. He counted six distinct lines and a v-shape that trailed all the way down, his lower half still covered by shorts. A few bruises marred his skin of all shapes and sizes. Mud and grass smudged into various parts of him, how Changkyun didn’t know. He’d need to learn much more about soccer and fast. 

“Kihyunnie..” Hoseok chirped happily. He smacked his skin softly, right on his chest. “You’re looking so fit. Are you training your shoulders?” 

Hoseok’s hands trailed across Kihyun’s body and explored, feeling every muscle and line of his chest, his shoulders, and across his back. A trainer assessing his client. He saw the blossoming bruises, touching far more carefully there. 

“Not really,” Kihyun muttered, clearing his throat. “I don’t have time to train other than our practices.” 

“When is the season over?” 

“Soon. A week or two I think.” 

“Good, then we’ll finally see more of you. You’re gone too much.” 

“You’d see me if you came to my games,” Kihyun rushed out, turning away and putting his empty bowl in the sink. He was suddenly serious and matter of fact. “I need that healing gel after I shower,” he mumbled. 

“Don’t be mad, don’t be mad.” Hoseok crooned and sidled up to Kihyun’s side, now more careful of his back. 

Their bodies molded together and Changkyun suddenly forgot how to breathe. His heart skipped like a record player stuck on a beat. 

“I wanted you there,” Kihyun said quietly, honestly. There was something different in his voice, a tone so soft and raw that even Changkyun felt guilt. 

Hoseok carefully wrapped his arms around Kihyun’s middle, sticking together in a hug. “We’re the worst, I’m sorry, Ki.” Kihyun pushed at his hands trying to move them. Hoseok ignored him, holding tighter. “You have one more?”

Kihyun went still then nodded. 

“We’ll all go. I promise.” Hoseok rested his head atop Kihyun’s shoulder and waited for his response. 

It took a few long seconds but Kihyun sighed and turned his head to meet Hoseok’s. He squeezed him again and this time they smiled together. Changkyun felt like he was intruding on a special moment but still couldn’t look away. His stomach sank, then rose up to his chest like he was on a rollercoaster. Hoseok nuzzled against his back, the side of Kihyun’s neck. 

Changkyun watched with parted lips. It was like one of those movie scenes you should cover your eyes for, the explicit kind you never wanted to watch with your parents. 

“Go shower then I’ll put cream on your bruises,” Hoseok offered. 

Kihyun tugged out of his grip and turned around, suddenly bashful. 

“I did just run around a field for two hours and score a goal.” 

“You scored?” Hoseok’s eyes lit up and he raised his hands. “Yoo Kihyun!” 

“Shut up, Hoseok!” 

“Fine, fine. Go shower, I’ll make you a hot chocolate.” 

The corners of Kihyun’s mouth perked up and he showed off his straight, white teeth. He winked at Hoseok then Changkyun before running back to his room. It was the one directly next to his. 

“I’ll be back in ten!” he shouted down the hall. 

Changkyun stared at his back, his jaw slightly slack. The creamy white skin was supple yet worn with bruises. There were distinct outlines at his hips where he pictured his hands easily holding. They widened up to what looked like sturdy, strong shoulders and an ample chest, right where his head could lay. 

He was perfect. Every little thing about Yoo Kihyun was absolutely perfect. 

Hoseok chuckled loudly, looking between Kihyun and Changkyun before heading to the cabinet for the hot chocolate supplies. He pulled out a circular canister and a large mug. In the fridge he went straight to the whipped cream. 

“It’s his favorite, in case you wanted to know,” Hoseok said with a knowing smile. 

There was so much more he wanted to learn about Kihyun. 

But first, he needed a second alone. To gather his thoughts, to breathe, and to figure out how to mask every emotion on his face. Because one thing became very apparent: living with Kihyun was going to be hard. 

Very, very hard. 

*!*!*

For the rest of the day Changkyun unpacked his things, organized his closet, and re-made his bed. He didn’t have too many belongings so all of his things easily fit in the closet, the dresser, or on the desk. The yellow and pink post-it notes he was fond of stuck well on the wall above his new workstation, right near his laptop. 

Although it was the worst way to spend a Saturday, he needed to figure out how behind in school he really was. He had missed only five classes but needed to catch up on several assignments and turn in an essay he hadn’t even begun to write. It was past the deadline but he vowed to do it anyway. Worry flooded him as hard as he tried to avoid it. What if he couldn’t catch up? What if his grades weren’t good enough to keep his scholarship? Changkyun knew he needed to work harder to turn this around, to make this all worth it. He hated the idea of letting his parents down. 

He emptied his backpack out on his bed, stacking his notebooks and textbooks. On a yellow post-it note was a newly written to-do list. The hardest task was checking his email, then his school account. But he did it anyway. It took a few painstaking hours, but he’d caught up on most of his homework and cleared out his email from all the junk, event invites and updates from his courses. 

Ready for a break, Changkyun shoved his laptop off to the side and fell back on the pillows. Both arms covered his face, blocking his eyes from the overhead light. He sucked in a deep breath. The air whooshed past his lips dramatically. He was tired, but he was content. And maybe a little hungry. In the near distance his phone beeped. Another message from his mom, probably. 

His mom had texted him throughout the morning making sure he was okay. He did his best to reassure her, promising she could meet his new roommates soon. They certainly didn’t feel like strangers even though everything happened so fast. It was surreal how right it felt. He continued to reflect back on the last few days until his stomach growled, interrupting his thoughts. 

He maneuvered off the bed and popped down the hall in search for food. He stopped just short of the kitchen, gasping. Kihyun stood several feet in front of him, one hand holding a loaf of bread, the other a knife. 

They locked eyes. 

Changkyun’s eyebrows rose in surprise but he closed his mouth so it was no longer gaping. He shook his head, really needing to control his intense reactions to Kihyun. They lived together now. He’d have to get used to it, and fast. 

If he knew about Kihyun yesterday he might have made a different decision. He would have reconsidered, told Jooheon that—

“You’re quiet, like a cat.” 

Changkyun jumped at the sound of Kihyun’s voice. He pointed to himself, looking around the room. Was Kihyun talking to him?

“Yes, you. You only come out to eat. You’re our stray cat.” 

Looking at the floor he lowered his head and mumbled, “Sorry.” 

“Grab me a plate?”

Changkyun glanced at Kihyun. He had an expectant look in his eyes. “My hands are full,” he looked down at his fingers, carefully putting together a sandwich on two pieces of bread. 

Since his shower, Kihyun wore grey sweatpants and a loose t-shirt with a design he couldn’t quite make out. His hair was dark and unstyled, very different to how he usually looked at the library. This must’ve been Kihyun’s home look and Changkyun really really approved. His lips looked full and his skin appeared soft, clean. He wanted to study every inch of Kihyun, even the parts that were currently covered. 

“Plates, plates, plates,” he repeated, reminding himself of his task. His cheeks blazed red and he rushed to the cabinet to hide it. 

Reaching up on his tip-toes, Changkyun grabbed a white circular plate and turned to hand it to Kihyun. He watched him cut diagonally with the knife, halving the sandwich in two. Both sides slid onto the plate and Kihyun reached into the fruit bowl to grab two oranges. Next to the bread was a full bag of chips. 

“C’mon,” he urged Changkyun with a nod, carrying the plate to the table in the middle of the room. “Half of this is yours.” 

Changkyun rubbed his stomach and shyly smiled in thanks before silently sitting across from him. 

The plate slid towards the middle of the table and Changkyun stared at Kihyuns slim, pale fingers. He counted the veins in his hands, appearing far more blue than green. Kihyun busied himself with peeling the orange, carefully twisting his thumb around the rind to extract the fruit. Once he was done, he extended it to Changkyun. 

“Here.” 

“You have that one,” Changkyun muttered. 

“I peeled it for you,” Kihyun explained softly. 

“Oh.. thank you.” His hands shook when they brushed Kihyun’s. His heart swelled and swooned and did three backflips in a row. He hid his reaction the best he could, looking down to study the wood grain and tucking his chin into his chest. He hoped Kihyun hadn’t seen a thing. 

They ate in silence, Changkyun carefully peeling the segments of orange apart and eating them slowly. The juice from the orange burst in his mouth each time he chewed. He was convinced it was the best thing he had ever tasted. 

_ Kihyun shared his food with me. Kihyun peeled this orange for me. Kihyun’s sitting across from me. Kihyun looks so fit in his t-shirt. Kihyun wears those sweatpants so low on his waist. Kihyun_—

“You don’t say much, then?”

“What?” Changkyun asked, blinking slowly. He hadn’t heard the question. 

“At the library. You didn’t talk to me there either.”

Changkyun choked on the piece of orange in his mouth, coughing a few times before he swallowed. Kihyun shot up from his chair and came around the table, rubbing his back. He patted it once, then twice, helping him clear his throat. 

He took a deep breath letting the air fully fill his lungs before he released it. His head raised up, his eyes now gazing directly into Kihyun’s dark brown ones. 

“You okay?” Kihyun worried. 

The slender fingers on Kihyun’s hand worked their way across Changkyun’s back. It electrified him instantly, sending shivers down his spine. He couldn’t handle Kihyun’s touch. His close proximity, the care and concern he had for him. It was too much too fast. His heart was beating hard trying to keep up. 

Changkyun sat up straighter, coughing one last time for show. “I’m fine, thanks..” 

“Of course,” Kihyun sat back down. “I’m studying to be a doctor so all of this is practice. If you needed stitches or something more advanced I haven’t tried that yet.” He took a big bite out of his sandwich, both elbows on the table for support. 

This was news to Changkyun. He catalogued it away into his _ All about Kihyun _ folder. 

“A doctor?”

“Well, I just study biology now,” Kihyun bit into a piece of orange, the juice bursting onto his chin. Changkyun watched it drip, finally caught by his thumb. He carefully watched Kihyun’s tongue, the way his lips moved when he spoke. “But if I get accepted into Medical School I’ll try to become a doctor.” 

“Jooheon said your dad’s name is Dr. Yoo.” The question lingered between them. 

Kihyun replied after a few moments. “He’s a doctor. My mom, too.” 

Changkyun could hardly believe it. “The whole family?” 

“No. I have an older brother. He lives in America.” Kihyun’s tone changed, his words came out slow and matter-of-fact. He slumped his shoulders and took another bite of his sandwich. “Decided to do his own thing. He’s an accountant.”

“That’s cool,” Changkyun replied. He quietly tried to parse out the tension in his words. “Not everyone needs to be like their parents.” 

“I wasn’t really given a choice,” Kihyun muttered, biting his lower lip. He put his half of the sandwich back on the plate, now untouched. The dining chair scraped back on the hardwood floor and broke through the silence. He stood in one powerful movement. 

“Kihyun..” Changkyun barely spoke above a whisper. His eyes followed Kihyun like a spotlight. 

“I’m not hungry anymore. The rest is yours, I have to study.” 

Changkyun watched his body look smaller and smaller as he faded down the hall. 

*!*!*

He sat at the table alone wondering where his words went wrong. Twenty minutes passed and he still wasn’t sure, didn’t know what he had said. But he wanted to take it back, whatever it was. He wanted to take it back, whatever put that grey shadow on Kihyun’s face. 

Not long after Hyungwon came up behind him, pulling him from those thoughts. He ruffled his stringy hair with long fingers. His other hand found the back of the chair. He curled into Changkyun like an old friend. 

“Good morning,” he chimed brightly. 

Changkyun chuckled, the corners of his mouth pulling up. “It’s definitely afternoon.”

The older boy ignored him and rested his hand on Changkyun’s shoulder. “I slept so good. I love Saturdays.” 

Another voice joined in the conversation from somewhere up the stairs. Jooheon quickly appeared in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He walked towards the table and wrapped an arm around Hyungwon’s narrow waist.

“Except we screwed up today. Kihyun’s upset,” Jooheon announced. 

Hyungwon knit his eyebrows together, suspicious. “What’d we do now?” 

“We forgot about his game.” 

“Shit.. that was today, huh?” Hyungwon bit his lower lip. 

Jooheon sighed, eyes creasing at the corners. He rubbed his hand across his jaw. 

“Yep.” 

“Shit.” 

Changkyun slowly got out of the chair and reached for the plate. He remembered what Kihyun had mentioned earlier. He cleared his throat and offered, “he said there was one more coming up.” 

Hyungwon clapped his hands together and laced his long fingers. “Then we’ll make sure to all go.” 

“I’d like to go too,” Changkyun added. “Is that okay?”

“Of course, you’re part of the family now,” Hyungwon said. 

Changkyun gave a small smile and looked down at Kihyun’s half-eaten sandwich and untouched chips. If he was part of their family, that meant they looked out for each other. 

“I’m going to see if Kihyun’s still hungry. He didn’t eat much.” 

“Let’s bug him!” Jooheon stalked towards his room, his legs moving faster than Changkyun could form the words to stop him. He knocked loudly before barging in. Hyungwon followed behind and Changkyun stood awkwardly holding the plate in one hand, the bag of chips in the other. 

“Kihyun-ah! Kihyun-ah!” Jooheon shouted obnoxiously. 

Changkyun reluctantly stood in Kihyun’s doorway. 

“Our Kihyun,” Hyungwon crooned, jumping to sit on Kihyun’s perfectly made bed. 

Kihyun sat on his floor, his laptop nestled on his crossed legs. There was a pencil between his lips and notes strewn around him in neat, organized piles. From somewhere in the room played a soft, classical tune. The kind that for focus and study yet could put a baby to sleep. 

But that’s not what had Changkyun stopping in his tracks. He fixated on the creases at the corners of Kihyun’s eyes and the worry lines around his mouth. Even more prominent was the exhaustion all over his face. He must’ve tried so hard to hide it from everyone else. Changkyun recognized it because he knew he looked the same just days ago. 

“I wanted to see if you were still hungry. Yo-you didn’t eat much,” Changkyun slightly stuttered, holding out the plate. 

Kihyun rubbed the shell of his ear and it reddened under his touch. 

In that same moment Hyungwon rolled over and Jooheon laughed at him. He sprawled out atop his pillows and fluffy, white duvet. His yawn sounded like a screeching bird. “Your bed is the best.” 

Changkyun took that moment to set the plate on a stack of sturdy books near Kihyun and gently rest the chips on the outer edge of his study circle. Then he took a look around the rest of the room. It was modern, clean. To the side he spotted floating black shelves full of small trophies and awards to things Changkyun had to know more about. Next to his desk he saw medals hung on the wall, mostly made of gold and silver. His desk was clear save for a small humidifier and a white bottle of pills, vitamins, he wasn’t sure. 

But what was painfully obvious was the lack of pictures, personal touches, and that special kind of coziness he loved about his own room. Here it was too stark white, too cold. 

“Why are you studying on a Saturday, Ki?” Jooheon whined. His foot prodded at Kihyun’s notebook where he was clearly jotting down notes. 

“Shouldn’t we go play?” Hyungwon asked hopefully, sitting up. Both arms supported his weight as he leaned back on them and waited for his response. 

Changkyun saw Kihyun sigh. The look on his face was hard to comprehend, something stuck between annoyance and.. longing? He wasn’t entirely sure. One day he’d be able to make an encyclopedia of Kihyun’s habits, expressions, hobbies, favorite foods, and anything else he found interesting about him. Which would probably be everything. 

Kihyun licked his lips. His eyes tensed as he stared at all his school materials in front of him. “I really have to study. I have my first midterms soon and my Dad’s got me attending almost two extra seminars or events a week—”

Jooheon crouched down on his knees to Kihyun’s level and grabbed his shoulder. He rubbed it reassuringly, “Sorry, Kihyun-ah.” His apology was gentle and sincere. “We know how busy you’ve been lately..” 

Changkyhun blinked, watching the full exchange. He could’ve swore he saw Kihyun lean into Jooheon, his whole body relaxing as he heard those words come out of his mouth. 

“We wanted to make it up to you for missing your game,” Jooheon added, clapping his back. 

Kihyun nodded and his eyes darted to the empty space on the floor next to his pencil case. “You really don’t have to, it was just a stupid game.” 

“Hoseok told me you won,” Jooheon smiled so widely it showed off his dimples. 

“Really?” Hyungwon’s mouth fell open. 

“He scored too,” Changkyun said quietly, remembering what he said in the kitchen. He immediately ground his feet into the soft carpeted floor and bit his lip, wondering what in the world possessed him to emphasize that to the other roommates. 

But one second later he was no longer worrying about his lack of filter when Kihyun gazed at him from under thick, black lashes with a look that pulled his heart out of his chest like a fish caught on an invisible line. 

_ Hook. Line. Sinker. _

His eyes were brimming with surprise, gratitude, and something a lot like appreciation. 

Changkyun spoke confidently this time. “He scored the winning goal.” 

“Damn! Yoo Kihyun!” Hyungwon cheered. His whole body moved to sit at the edge of the bed, both long, lanky legs braced around Kihyun’s body. He leaned him and ruffled his hair. “We won’t miss the next game, we promise.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Kihyun muttered, trying to move out of his reach. 

Jooheon and Hyungwon locked eyes. “We’ll all be there,” Jooheon said, his conviction strong. He winked at Changkyun from across the room. “We’ll even bring Changkyunnie. Who knows, maybe he’ll be your good luck charm, Kihyun.” 

Kihyun looked up, pausing between each of their expressions. His lips parted as if he wanted to respond. Instead, he sighed with a heavy breath and said, “alright.” 

“Are you still hungry?” Changkyun asked, toeing the bag of chips on the floor. He couldn’t deny he worried about his appetite, wondering what had caused him to lose it. 

“I’ll finish it later.” 

Hyungwon pulled on Kihyun’s ear and he immediately spun around, whacking his hand away. “I told you to stop doing that,” Kihyun scolded him. 

“Okay, okay,” Hyungwon laughed. “Should we stop bugging you? You seem cranky.” 

“We’ll let you study a few more hours, but then we’re dragging you out of here if we have to. You have to eat dinner! We’ll order noodles or chicken. Whatever you want!” Jooheon beamed. 

“Got it?” Hyungwon poked Kihyun’s cheek. 

Kihyun nodded at the three of them and waved them out of the room. “I promise I’ll take a break later. Now will you go please?” The last words were a plea, soft and desperate. 

Changkyun complied immediately and heard Jooheon and Hyungwon murmuring _ fighting! _ to Kihyun. Behind them Changkyun shut the door and turned to face his roommates who towered over him by a few inches. 

“We should let him be,” he frowned. “He looks stressed.”

“That’s a bit of his normal state lately,” Hyungwon walked to the kitchen, already raiding the cabinet for snacks. He pulled out another bag of chips and munched loudly. 

“Third year seems like the worst,” Jooheon leaned over the counter, propping himself up by his arms. “He’s in more classes and they seem harder. He tutors too, plus soccer. And his dad..” 

“Ahh!” Hyungwon suddenly croaked, locking eyes with Jooheon. He coughed and rubbed at his throat. “Sorry, something went down the wrong pipe.” 

“Careful Hyungwon-ah,” Jooheon laughed. Hyungwon flicked a chip at him and it bounced off his shoulder and onto the counter. Jooheon ate it anyway. 

Changkyun was sure he caught a secret look between them but maybe it was just his imagination. “I should study too, I have an essay to start. It was due yesterday..” he paused. “I should still do it anyway, right?” He looked between them for an excuse to skip it. 

“I think so,” Hyungwon licked the salt off his lips. He brought the bag of chips with him into the living room. Changkyun watched as Jooheon followed. “It’s not too late to catch up.” 

They both plopped on the couch. “When do you study? Or do your school work?” Changkyun felt curious. There was never anyone at the university he could get close to before. These were his first friends. Were they just roommates? Both, he hoped. 

“Today I’m more focused on GTA than GPA, our dear Changkyun,” Jooheon smirked and held up the game controller in his hand. “Come join us when you’re done with your homework. We’ll show you what a real Saturday should look like.” 

Hyungwon and Jooheon sat together on the giant sofa, bumping each other’s shoulders to rile each other up. He couldn’t help but laugh as they stared at the giant TV screen on the wall which loaded their game. While all of that sounded fun, he couldn’t stop wondering what it would be like if he were with Kihyun instead. Behind closed doors and off in their own little world. 

*!*!*

_ “You little bitch!” _

Changkyun’s body rolled through convulsions, his entire body was drenched in sweat. He felt warm, yet icy cold. His eyes shot open showing blood stained ivory. He didn’t know if he screamed or had just imagined it. His teeth chattered behind dry, cracked lips. It felt hard to catch his breath. 

The dream had felt so real. He was back in his old room and his roommate was coming for him. But there was nowhere for him to go. No time to escape. The tall, lanky body and black rage on his face made him tremble from head to toe. Goosebumps covered his skin like a blanket. He couldn’t stop shaking. The hate in his eyes was something Changkyun would never forget. 

His body sagged into the mattress and sweat-stained sheets. He started recognizing the ceiling above, even in the pitch-dark. He wasn’t there, no, not at his old dorm. Changkyun was at the Blue House. His home. His throat felt raw, making it hard to breathe and swallow the necessary air his lungs craved. But he would be okay. He needed to be okay. 

While his heartbeat slowed to a more normal rate, he still felt anxious in his room. It felt too small, the walls too close. It was a matter of seconds before he grabbed his pillow and fumbled down the dark hallway into the living room. The large, oversized couch welcomed him with full comfort and the floor to ceiling windows streamed moonlight to chase away the shadows that insisted on following him. 

Changkyun sighed into his pillow, his arms wrapped around it like a life preserver. His legs curled against aching his chest. He felt small and insignificant. Only short, shallow breaths wisped from his lungs as he relayed the dream in his mind over and over again. 

For minutes he tried to push it away, to erase all those thoughts. 

_ I’ll be okay. _

_ I’ll be okay. _

_ I’ll be okay. _

_ I’ll be okay. _

With eyes shut tight, fingers clenched against the couch and the threats of his ex-roommate looming in the back of his mind, Changkyun felt desperate for relief. He repeated his mantra over and over again, waiting for some sort of answer to his prayers. 

_ Please let me be okay. _

He’d lost count how many times he’d chanted the phrase in his mind, each word struggling to sink in. Around him the night raged on and filled the house with the kind of quiet silence that felt deafening. It was during the loudest silence that he shot upright into a sitting position, scanning with hazy eyes to find the source of sound coming from behind. His heart beat out of his chest, the roar so loud he could barely stand it. Fear froze him on the spot, wondering if his nightmare had come to life. 

“Shhh, shhh,” a soft, melodic voice crooned. The footsteps became quicker. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” 

Changkyun blinked against the darkness and watched the moonlight illuminate the outline of an angel. He grabbed the pillow tighter, not believing the ethereal creature that stood at his side. 

“Changkyun,” the voice murmured so softly it sounded like the first lines of a sonnet. “It’s Kihyun. I’m here. I’m here,” he repeated over and over, soothing Changkyun’s overworking heart. 

The couch sagged and Kihyun’s warm body nestled against his. Changkyun’s body immediately relaxed after scenting Kihyun’s familiar lavender and clean laundry scent. 

“I thought I heard something..” Kihyun whispered, sitting with his back against the cushions. He curled Changkyun into him so naturally it felt only right to follow his lead. Kihyun carefully adjusted the pillow against his legs, fluffing it for comfort. “Are you tired?” 

Changkyun barely heard the question as he laid on Kihyun’s lap. He was in a daze, distracted by the gentle fingers brushing through his hair and the deep breaths he felt deep in Kihyun’s belly. It wasn’t long before his own breathing found an easy rhythm and relief settled in his tired bones. 

“Try to sleep,” Kihyun’s voice dripped like honey in Changkyun’s ears. His next words curled around the broken pieces of his heart that were lonely, lost, and hurt. “I’m here. You’re not alone..” 

Kihyun’s fingers continued their gentle movement through his dark hair while the other smoothed over his chest, pausing on his heart. With small, even pats, his hand pressed over and over again until it matched the beat deep beneath. All the while Kihyun breathed out soft hums, lulling him to sleep from the faint, gentle sound. 

A veil of serenity fell over Changkyun like a warm, soft blanket. Nothing stopped him from succumbing to the divine sleep that came and held him tightly until morning. 

*!*!*

Changkyun stretched his tired, aching body. His right arm, the one hanging off the couch, hit something in its path. He pulled the injured arm against his body and blinked against the brightness behind his eyelids. “Ughhh,” he ground out, his voice like rough gravel. 

“Why are you sleeping here?” A deep voice questioned. “Are you sick, Changkyun?” 

His heart skipped a beat then quickly returned to normal when he recognized the voice peppering him with questions. He only mumbled in response. “What time is it?” 

“Just after ten,” Shownu replied. 

“Oh,” he grumbled. 

Shownu poked at his leg. “You okay?” 

“I.. I had a bad dream,” Changkyun coughed, dryness caught in his throat. “So I came out here.” 

He responded slowly. “I’m sorry..” 

Changkyun’s memory came back in pieces, remembering little details of last night’s ordeal. He kicked off the blanket around his legs, something he didn’t remember having, and swung his legs to the floor. His head felt dizzy from the quick movement. He braced himself with both hands gripping the edge of the couch. In his quick scan of the room he spotted his pillow wrinkled and half falling off the couch. There was no sign of anyone else. 

“Have you seen Kihyun?” he asked Shownu, staring at his tall, impressive figure. 

Shownu scratched the back of his head and shook it back and forth. “I just came down, I haven’t seen him.”

“Oh.” He sighed, releasing a puff of air from his lungs. His nose instantly scrunched up, smelling his terrible morning breath. He covered his mouth with his hand. It was a good thing Kihyun wasn’t around after all. 

“It’s Sunday so he’s probably studying already or doing something for his Dad.”

“His Dad?” Changkyun’s ears perked up. 

“Yeah, there’s always a function or work thing he’s invited to. His dad works at the hospital down the road. He’s..” Shownu cleared his throat. “He’s kind of a big deal.” 

Changkyun watched the corners of Shownu’s lips fall. 

“He’s an executive director. ” 

“Wow...” 

“Kihyun doesn’t talk about it. Uh, anyway—he might be gone already.” 

Changkyun took his stuttering as enough of a cue. 

“No big deal. I just wanted to talk to him. It can wait.” He rubbed his palms over his thighs and twisted his head side to side, relieving the pressure in his neck. It was worth all the aches and pains if he could fall asleep next to Kihyun every single night. His neck flushed with warmth from the memory of Kihyun’s soft fingers running through his hair. The lullaby he crooned to help him sleep. Changkyun’s heart skipped a beat. 

“You should text him. Do you want his number?” Shownu offered brightly, pulling his phone from the pocket of his jeans. His smile was so pure. 

Changkyun wanted to shout yes standing on top of the roof. But he kept his face neutral, trying to act cool. He bit his lower lip, holding back his excitement. “Um, sure, cool.” 

*!*!*

It was almost 12 hours later when he saw Kihyun back at the house. _12_ _whole hours_ he thought about texting, calling, or sending out a drone to see if he could spot him in the neighborhood. Ultimately he gave up, not wanting to sound like a complete crazy person if the first thing he asked Kihyun was the question, _“Did you come to me like an angel in the middle of the night?” _

His memories were so vivid yet he couldn’t stop a seed of doubt taking root. Was any of it real? 

He decided to suffer in silence and wait for Kihyun to come home. Except that after hour six of waiting, he wanted to cave so badly that he insisted Jooheon hide his phone. After nine hours he found his phone near the fabric softener in the laundry room and shut it off, staring at the empty, black screen. 

Changkyun needed a distraction and fast. Hoseok was typing on his laptop and doing homework at the dining room table when he came up behind him. 

“Studying?” He mused. 

The dark haired boy turned his head and smiled. He wore a black label sweatshirt and shiny track pants. “Physiology exam this week.” Hoseok tapped his pen on the notebook. “Just reviewing. I know most of this already. Being a trainer has its perks.” 

“Nice, then I’m sure you’ll ace it,” Changkyun replied. His fingers curled around the back of the nearest chair. He pushed up on his toes and leaned into Hoseok. “I should finish my essay. Can I join you?” 

Hoseok beamed. “Of course!” 

Changkyun came back to the table with his laptop, charger, and planner. Grabbing that first, he wrote everything he had finished over the weekend and planned ahead to the next week. He took a few minutes checking over boring emails, deleting spam, and read an update from his Math Professor about a short quiz happening later this week. He grumbled aloud, rubbing the bridge of his nose from underneath his glasses. Hoseok gave him a look that he shook off. 

Every few minutes his eyes darted to the hallway when he heard a noise. First it was Hyungwon dropping his theater bag on the floor. Then it was Jooheon shouting at Shownu to come upstairs. At one point music blasted through the house, stopping abruptly when Hoseok complained he couldn’t focus. Each time he glanced just for a few seconds towards Kihyun’s room, wondering when he would come home. Yet he never heard a sound from the front door. 

Returning to the email, his math professor explained their quiz grade would be a good indication if they were learning the material for the upcoming midterm. Stress and worry weighed him down like lead. Math was his worst subject and he was already feeling behind. 

But he’d worry about that tomorrow and finish his essay tonight. 

_ One thing at a time. _

An hour later Hoseok yawned and closed his laptop. His arms stretched like a cat about to take a nap. He peeked over at Changkyun who furiously typed away. “I’m all done, I need to sleep. Early workout in the morning.” 

Licking his lower lip, Changkyun paused and titled his head. He watched Hoseok pack up his things. “Night.” 

“Don’t stay up too late waiting,” Hoseok teased, shooting him a mischievous look before running up the stairs. 

“What!” Changkyun yelled in his direction, the booming sound of him racing up the stairs blocked out the words. “I’m not waiting! I’m working!” 

He heard Hoseok’s hearty laugh up until his door slammed shut. Changkyun pouted, wishing he weren’t so damn obvious. Because while he _ was _working, he couldn’t deny he was still waiting. 

The time on his phone had passed 9 pm and his essay draft was taking shape yet his nerves were fraying_. Where in the world was Kihyun? What was taking him so long? Where could he possibly be_—and just then the faintest click had Changkyun straightening in his seat and spinning his head towards the sound. His heart paused, waiting. The seconds dragged on like minutes before Kihyun finally emerged and went straight to his room. 

He disappeared faster than Changkyun thought possible. He immediately committed to memory the sight of Kihyun in dark grey slacks, a white button down shirt, and shiny black shoes that looked more expensive than anything he had ever owned. Kihyun had carried his backpack and another bag but he couldn’t decipher much else before he shut the door. 

Changkyun’s face fell, worried for a split second that Kihyun might never come back out. 

Twelve hours had been far too long. 

He counted in his head _ 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 _… and got to 57 when the white trim door re-opened. He made a vain promise to himself to knock on Kihyun’s door after 60 seconds and now he was eternally grateful. Instead of looking like he had waited for Kihyun all day, Changkyun stared at his essay draft like it was the most interesting thing he had ever read. His fingers continued typing the final paragraph while he dutifully scanned the screen. The words were incomprehensible and practically nonsensical so he would definitely have to re-do them later. 

Kihyun finally emerged but went down the hall where he couldn’t see. Changkyun eventually heard the sound of running water in the bathroom from the shower. His mind wandered back to last night.

_ Was any of it real? _

He wandered off in thoughts and memories for several minutes. Changkyun looked up from his keyboard right when Kihyun walked straight down the hall. Hair dripping wet, he slung a towel around his shoulders to catch the water. He had changed into grey cotton shorts and a white shirt with the words “summer camp” emblazoned on the front in black lettering. His feet looked warm from white ankle socks with a familiar logo at the top. 

“Can I work here too?” Kihyun’s voice cut through Changkyun’s mind, halting his quick appraisal. His finger pointed to a spot at the table next to where Hoseok vacated. 

Changkyun nodded. No logical words formed in his mind for a proper response. His eyes couldn’t tear away from Kihyun’s clean skin, messy hair, and the way his collar bone peeked out from the neckline of his shirt. 

“Cool,” Kihyun replied, setting down his phone at the table. He turned on his heel and walked back to his room, ruffling his hair with the towel along the way. 

Changkyun slowly stared at the delicate paleness of his thighs all the way up to the nape of his neck where his wet hair had dampened his shirt. Changkyun would be happy to run this thumb along the grooves at the top of his spine and—

Kihyun came back faster than he ever thought possible. He moved gracefully, a pile of notebooks under one arm, his textbook held in the other. Changkyun was caught, eyes directly gazing at him with such intensity it lit a spark. His cheeks flushed and heat crested through his body like a wave. He tried to hide his reaction with little luck. He rested his cheek against his hand, biting down on his lower lip. 

_ I’m dead. I’m dead. I’m dead. _

Changkyun lost all hope at a conversation with Kihyun when 30 minutes passed and they hadn't spoken another word. It was both easy and hard to work with Kihyun. The older boy stayed focused and worked diligently, and that inspired him to do the same. But Changkyun’s mind wandered off very easily, imaging all the other things he’d rather be doing with Kihyun. Next time he was alone he wanted to write them down in a list. It was his version of a bucket list. 

During his productive moments he finished his entire essay. He’d spent most of the weekend on but still wasn’t confident in the final product. He wasn’t sure what else he could do. Would his thesis be strong enough? Was he going to fail? He sighed, leaning forward and rubbing his fingers to lessen the tension building at his temples.

Kihyun gave a sharp intake of breath and scanned every inch of his face. “Changkyun?..”

Changkyun was slow to respond. “Hmm?”

“Everything okay?” Kihyun put down his pen and pushed away his notes. 

Changkyun shook his head but his words spilled out faster than he could stop it. “I wish there was a way to know I’m on the right track with this essay. To know if my thesis statement is strong enough?” He tipped his head to the right and pursed his lips in confusion. 

“Want me to read it over?” Kihyun offered, already pushing up and out of his chair. He walked behind Changkyun and stood at the back of his chair. His entire upper body molded around his, peeking his head over his shoulder. Changkyun unconsciously held his breath. Kihyun encouraged softly, “Can you scroll to the top? I’ll read the first page or two.” 

Warm breath tickled Changkyun’s ear. His fingers managed to find the trackpad and move the cursor to the first page. He held in the shivers that raked down his spine and filled his belly with butterflies. It took only three minutes for Kihyun to read his first few paragraphs. In that time Changkyun couldn’t remember if he had breathed or even blinked. His heart swelled to twice its size and rattled like a bird in a cage. And for the first time his head was empty, his thoughts were completely gone. It was the closest he had been to Kihyun, physically and emotionally. 

Changkyun was falling head over heels for Yoo Kihyun. There was no doubt about it. 

All he could do was feel and smell and watch. He felt Kihyun’s warm body wrapped around him like a cocoon and felt tiny puffs of air against his neck. He smelled Kihyun’s unique scent, something he’d come to understand as expensive lavender laundry detergent for his sensitive skin. He watched his fingers move on the keyboard, pressing the arrow keys with delicate fingers, the same fingers he longed to hold and lace with his own. 

Kihyun took a deep breath and Changkyun felt it like a delicious weight on his back. 

“This is pretty good,” Kihyun finally spoke, causing Changkyun to jump up in his seat. Kihyun gave a small laugh and put his hand on Changkyun’s shoulder. He showed him a sincere smile. “I mean it, I’m not joking.” 

Changkyun blinked, too stunned to move. Between Kihyun’s smile and the words he spoke it all seemed too good to be true. He turned his head, suddenly very close to Kihyun’s lips. “It’s..” he paused, needing another breath. “It’s good?” 

Kihyun casually pulled away and began to explain, “Your thesis is strong and I like your first and second points. Those paragraphs explain your ideas well. You could tighten up on transitions and check again for grammar, but I think it’s about done.” His voice trailed as he walked into the kitchen and rummaged through the fridge. “You did a good job. It’s not easy being a freshman.” 

Changkyun tried not to stare and was happily surprised when he looked up to see Kihyun’s hand extend him a bottle of water, a second one already placed next to his notebook. He murmured his thanks, reaching his fingers forward to grab it. 

“Thanks for reading it over, Kihyun..” he murmured. Changkyun’s feet nervously tapped into the rug on the floor. His left thumb and forefinger rubbed at his ear just at the soft outer shell. The skin turned red for many reasons. “I should thank you for last night, too.” 

Kihyun was quiet, too quiet, and Changkyun finally looked up to see him shrug. “No need to thank me, I’d do it for anyone.” 

“But—But you don’t really know me.. So thank you. You didn’t have to.” His words rambled on but hit their mark. He said what he had waited to say all day. 

“We take care of each other here.” 

Kihyun’s statement made Changkyun’s insides twist and turn again, although not uncomfortably. It was the kind of words he longed to hear on those lonely nights he had felt so different and all wrong.

“It’s not a big deal,” Kihyun emphasized, shrugging his shoulders one last time. His lips pursed into a thin line. It looked like he didn’t want to speak on the subject any further. 

His fingers deftly uncapped his water bottle and he took a long drag, stray water droplets spilling over his lips. He put the bottle back down on the table and Changkyun watched him pull a small white bottle from his pocket, the pill bottle he spotted in his room. He unscrewed the pharmacy-safe lid and popped a small white pill in his hand. In a two-step movement he put the pill in his mouth and took a long drink of the water, washing it down. He blinked his eyes shut then refocused on the laptop before him. 

If Kihyun saw him watching he ignored it completely. 

Changkyun couldn’t help worrying about Kihyun, wondering about his condition. But he knew better than to ask. If he had the courage he wanted to look him in right in those dark, dreamy eyes and ask _ and who takes care of you, Kihyun?_

Instead he took Kihyun’s comments to heart and edited his essay one last time, finalizing it at the required length of five pages. Using his university's learning system he electronically turned it in with a personal note of apology to the professor. 

“I think it’s done.” 

Kihyun took a moment to pull himself from his textbook which Changkyun noticed was for Physics. His lips turned up to form a soft, yet tired smile. There were creases of exhaustion at the corners of his eyes, in the softness of his cheeks. 

“Good! Go get some sleep.” 

“What about you? It’s late.” Changkyun felt anxious. 

“I have a lot left to do.. I’ll sleep soon.” Changkyun saw the way his eyes blinked faster and his chin tuck tight to his chest. 

“Okay.. good night."

As he took the first steps towards his room, he paused and turned back one last time. Kihyun’s head fell forward into his book, his hand furiously writing notes. His free hand rubbed at the back of his neck, probably sore from spending hours in that position. His back hunched over the table as if he was moments away from collapsing onto it.

Sadness and sympathy flowed through him like blood in his veins. Changkyun sincerely hoped for as much as Kihyun had helped him someday he could pay him back. If only he could figure out a way how. 

*!*!*

The next several days felt so normal that Changkyun had to constantly remind himself of the events that happened. In class it was like he never skipped, finally all caught up on homework and back in the instructors good graces. He was still lost in Math class but meant that everything was right again. 

At home he’d fallen into an easy routine of walking with one of his roommates to morning class and he saw them all over campus throughout the day. They added him to the group chat and he blended in like he was always there. Even the seventh roommate whom he had never met, Minhyuk, seemed to love the music recs he gave him in the chat. All the way across the ocean in France and they had a connection over their taste in music genres and sad songs. 

His part-time job at the library hadn’t changed one bit. He sat at the upstairs circulation desk and shelved books or aided students when they jammed the printers. Since it was the library there was no chance his old roommate would even come here and ruin his bad boy image. 

And it was there that he was guaranteed to see Kihyun. 

The world continued spinning on and everything was going to be okay. At least he thought. 

When Kihyun came through the wide, double doors for his tutoring hours on Tuesday afternoon Changkyun’s face immediately fell. There were deep, purple marks underneath his eyes and a fake smile plastered on his face. His tutoring tables were full of eager students wanting help before midterms. He gave Changkyun a small wave before getting to his usual table. 

Changkyun’s eyes darted over to him every other minute, amazed at how he took care and patience with every single person. At one point he watched Kihyun stand up and explain an equation on the whiteboard, showing how to solve it step by step. A younger student then stood and followed his lead, answering it for himself. They high-fived at the end and Changkyun swore he saw Kihyun flash a brief, but genuine smile. 

He wanted to stare at Kihyun’s smile all day long. 

An hour later Kihyun still hadn’t taken a break and many students were still queuing up to see him. Changkyun was hung up on the sag in his shoulders, the way he seemed to struggle to keep his energy up. On the table his water bottle was empty and discarded off to the side. 

Changkyun didn’t give it another thought. He might not ever be able to repay the generosity for letting him stay in his father’s house but he could make sure to take care of him in other ways. 

He pulled out his wallet and rushed down to the first floor, almost falling down the stairs. His balance recalibrated just as he spotted the vending machines in the common space. Since it took credit cards Changkyun went a little overboard hitting buttons, finally hitting the right ones. He felt impatient watching the machine whirl and buzz, lifting the drink into the dispenser. 

Changkyun hurried back, ignoring the stares as he approached Kihyun’s table. He didn’t stop for long, just the few seconds it took to put the blue sports drink at the edge of the table near his laptop and walk away. 

A sense of pride filled him as he hurried back to his station and jumped into his swivel chair. The smile on his face was too genuine to hide, too wide to cover with his hands. He embraced it instead, grinning like a fool because it felt so good to do something nice for a person he cared about. He hoped this small gesture would make a difference.

A minute later his phone buzzed in his back pocket and he pulled it out thinking he’d find a message in the group chat. Instead it was a new message from Kihyun himself. 

_ Thank you. _

Changkyun beamed like a fallen star from the sky. He spun around to look in Kihyun’s direction, heart racing when he noticed Kihyun staring right at him, his phone cradled in his hands. Their gazes connected, tethered by an invisible bond. For just that moment it felt like they were the only people in the room. 

There were only two words Changkyun wanted to say back. 

_ You’re welcome. _


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for your patience, if you're still here and with me.  
all mistakes are my own.

* * *

“The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.”

―Maya Angelou 

* * *

“Changkyun!” His mother yelled again through the screen. She waved her hand near the camera. It was their third FaceTime call of the week and she was still as eager as ever to check in on him. “Did you hear me, honey?”

He looked up from his math textbook where he was attempting to multitask. “Huh?” 

“Changkyun, I told you that you have a meeting tomorrow afternoon with the university administration. Remember?” 

He set his pencil down and adjusted his legs, stretching them long. The pins and needles feeling had just set in. Sitting too long in the same position made him feel stiff. The sun had begun to set and slowly cast his room in darkness. His forehead wrinkled. He removed his glasses and rubbed at his tired eyes. “Wait, why?” 

“Don’t you remember? Last week your father and I called and talked to them about your situation. They want to talk to you personally and take your statement,” She explained from her propped up perch against his black backpack. He put patches and key chains on it during his senior year. It was quirky, just like him. “You can file a formal complaint against him.” 

He focused on his phone. Even through the screen she looked lovely, her shiny black hair and creamy, soft skin were genetics he was thankful to inherit. “What am I supposed to tell them?” Changkyun pinched the bridge of his nose. He took a long deep breath in and exhaled slowly. He leaned further back against his pillows for a more comfortable position. “I don’t.. I don’t want to relive all of that again.” 

“I understand, honey. But I think it’s important you speak up,” she urged. Her concerned smile was visible in every pixel. It made his insides constrict like a snake. He didn’t want his parents to worry this much. 

“Okay. I’ll try.” 

Her features relaxed imperceptibly. “I’m glad,” she smiled with the kind of unique warmth a parent gives their child. Her eyes welled with tears that she looked to be holding back. “I’m proud of you.” 

Changkyun reassured her for as long as he could and promised to call again soon. It was heartbreaking to see her cry. He sprawled out on his bed, knocking his textbook off the bed. His laptop slid towards the top of his bed, along with his planner. He grabbed the dark blue, soft comforter and balled it up near his head and rested atop it. He sighed and nestled into the bedding. He was in no mood to do any more homework. All he could think about is what he would tell them. Would he be honest? Should he lie? Was it going to cause more problems? 

He didn’t have any answers. He didn’t know what he should say. In the back of his mind he worried about the cost of speaking up. Of telling the truth. 

His body lay like that for a long time, his mind wandering off thinking about every possible thing that could go wrong. A knock on his door shook him out of it. 

He perked his head up from his pillow. “Yeah?”

Hyungwon opened the door slowly. His face was covered in fancy make-up. Must’ve come straight from play rehearsal. The dark, straight hair he usually had was curled and styled to match his character. He wore a plan t-shirt and slim pants that showed off just how tall and lithe he really was. 

“The game is on! Come on!”

Changkyun pouted. He didn’t really pay attention to sports but it might be worth it if it distracted him enough from his meeting tomorrow. His head nodded slowly. “Let me just shower first.” 

“‘Kay,” Hyungwon left his door open and marched back to the main living space. 

He dragged his heavy body and cleaned off his bed. His books stacked neatly in a pile on the floor and his laptop was desperate for a charge. He smoothed off his blanket, making the mental note to wash his sheets soon. The washing machine was so modern he’d yet to figure out what buttons to press and how to use it. He’d have to ask one of the others. 

One amazing part of the Blue House was the shower. Changkyun hung his own towel on the hook near the glass entrance. He turned the nozzle and warm water sprayed at him. The button to the side also turned on the rain shower above. It was something he’d gotten accustomed to real fast. He turned both spouts on, twisting the handle until the temperature was just short of burning hot. 

Steam filled the room immediately. His body relaxed the second he stepped into the shower, water spraying at him like a waterfall from above and blasting at his sides. It felt like heaven. The shampoo in the shower was expensive and smelled like something you’d get from the hairdresser. While he soaped up his hair he wondered what it would be like running his fingers through Kihyun’s longer locks, massaging his scalp to ease all his worries. He’d tilt his head back and hold the water back from his eyes. When it was time to soap up he’d help Kihyun with the washcloth and cover his entire body and gently wash away the traces of sweat and dirt and dust, taking extra care to those spots where he bruised or hurt from soccer practice. 

All he wanted to do was take care of him, to make him feel good. And that alone made him feel good. Far too good. His cock began to harden at the thought of being in the shower together. His hands, slick with soap, slid down his chest and rubbed at his stomach, his hips. He teased himself, reaching closer and closer to the area that was desperate for his touch. The second he grabbed his cock it swelled. Only a few tugs later it was fully hard and aching from his hand. Precum dripped from the tip and swirled right down the drain. He used his other hand and stabilized himself against the shower wall. With each breath he felt himself get closer and closer to losing it. 

When he imagined Kihyun kissing his neck cum spurted from his cock so hard his body began to shake. He stroked himself through that intense minute. Cum dripped from the tip as he rolled through every wave of pleasure, a feeling that surged through his entire body. He tipped his head back away from the spray of the water and took time to catch his breath. 

The steam from the hot water made it hard to breathe. He rinsed his body properly and shut off the nozzles. His white towel hung within reach and he pulled it to his face, softly patting off the water droplets there. He less carefully dried his hair, the strands standing up at all angles. All the rest of his skin was dry after a few careful swipes of the towel. He wrapped the cloth around his hips when he was done, finishing his shower routine with moisturizer. 

The bathroom door opened and the remaining steam dissipated when it met the outside air. Down the hall he heard shouting at the TV. He hurried to his room, carrying his dirty clothes in his hands. Just a split second before he made it to his room, Kihyun’s door opened and startled him. His towel began to slip but he caught it with quick reflexes he didn’t know he had. His other hand dropped his clothes, his black boxer briefs now on the floor at Kihyun’s feet. 

“Oh shit,” Changkyun muttered, his face turning the color of a tomato. He quickly reached for his discarded clothes and used his other hand to secure the towel.

Kihyun just stood there, his hand lifting to cover his mouth. He tried to hold back a laugh. The tips of his ears looked pink. 

Changkyun quickly looked away and shuffled the two steps into his own room. The door shut with a clash. His body leaned against the wood with wobbly, unstable legs. Embarrassment bled through each one of his veins. He dropped his clothes and covered his eyes with a hand.

“I can’t believe this.” 

Not only did he have sexy thoughts about Kihyun in the shower, he just _ had _ to run into half-naked. It was unfair how gorgeous he looked in casual clothes at home. His face was like a renaissance painting, and the slope of his nose? Literal perfection. Just thinking about it made him excited. 

“Not again,” he groaned, looking down at the towel covering his groin. He saw faint black hairs peeking out from his v-line and his stiffening cock. His head fell back, exposing the veins in his neck. Changkyun bit his lip, his hand closing in a fisted grip. He sighed, “Damn it, Kihyun.” 

*!*!*

The only way Changkyun felt safe leaving his room was wearing his baggiest sweatpants which were three sizes too big. He paired it with an equally large sweatshirt, something he found in a second hand shop back home. It was off-white and the strings were so long they dangled down to his belly. He sighed and squeezed his eyes shut, reaching his hand for the door handle. 

“Let’s do this.” 

He shuffled down to the living room, stopping in the space between that room and the kitchen. Hoseok turned around where he stood in front of the stove. He held chopsticks in his hands. “Do you shop in my size?” He cackled so loud it echoed. 

The rest of the roommates in the room turned around to look at him. Hyungwon covered his mouth. Jooheon and Shownu smiled and turned back to the game. Kihyun gave him a soft smile and his eyes twinkled like there was something more he could say. It felt like a secret. 

“It’s comfortable,” Changkyun reasoned. His hands rubbed over the soft fabric. He walked to Hoseok carefully and peeked over his shoulder. “Whatcha’ making?” 

“Ramen,” Hoseok grinned. “But I’m not sharing!” 

He stuck his tongue out at Hoseok. “I’m not hungry anyway.” 

“How could you be when you look like a marshmallow?” 

“Hey!” Changkyun protested loudly. “I do not look like a marshmallow!” 

Changkyun tried to hit his arm but Hoseok pulled away at the last second, evading him. He chased after him as fast as he could around the kitchen island. This was war. 

Hoseok shrieked and pulled away, his legs faster than Changkyun thought possible. But what Hoseok didn’t know is that he was determined. And that determination made him vicious. Changkyun grinned and paused, both hands stabilizing him on the counter. He regained his balance and attacked. He feigned right and took off to the left, right where Hoseok thought he could escape. Hoseok had no chance when he was cornered by the pantry doors, stuck with no way to get out. Changkyun took his chance and blocked him in, wriggling his hands all over his body to tickle him. Hoseok laughed so loud it boomed through the entire house. His body doubled over. He writhed uncontrollably from Changkyun’s unrelenting fingers. 

“Okay, okay!” Hoseok yelled when he could catch his breath. He couldn’t stop laughing and twisting his body as Changkyun continued his assault. “You win!” 

“Shhh!” Someone yelled at them, but they ignored it. 

“Tell me I look cute,” Changkyun whined. His fingers stopped and he took a step back. They both were breathing heavily but happiness beamed from their eyes. 

Hoseok’s hands curled around Changkyun’s cheeks and squeezed. “Cute, sooo cute!” He reached behind and pulled the hood over his head and tugged down on the long strings. “Our cute little penguin!” 

“Ahh!” Changkyun growled. Only a fraction of his eyes, nose, and mouth showed. “Hoseok! You!” 

He pouted, accepting his defeat. “You just wait,” Changkyun gave a dark, stern look in Hoseok's direction. “This isn’t over.” 

The older boy winked back at him and waved his hand. He returned to the stove and turned off the knob. “Sure sure.” 

Hoseok carefully drained the right amount of water at the sink and emptied all three of the seasoning packs. His chopsticks expertly mixed everything together. Hoseok leaned forward and took his first bite. He slurped for a good thirty seconds before pausing. A loud groan rumbled through his chest. “So good.”

“At least give me a bite,” Changkyun reasoned. He opened his mouth. 

He wavered for a few seconds but Hoseok eventually twirled noodles and held them up, waving Changkyun closer. “Here.” 

Changkyun stuck out his tongue and slurped the noodles, chewing them as he went. The inside of his mouth heated quickly. “Spicy!” He swallowed. 

Hoseok laughed. “But good right?” 

After a cooling gulp of water Changkyun had to admit he was right. He gave him a goofy grin and wiggled his tongue at Hoseok. His eyes shone. “Really good. Gimmie another bite.” 

*!*!* 

“Foul! FOUL! That’s a goddamn foul,” Jooheon yelled at the TV, his hands gesturing at the replay of the last 3rd down. 

Changkyun struggled to catch up with the game. Football was one of the sports he really didn’t care much about, let alone know the rules. A referee seemed to be pulling a yellow flag from his belt. He had the sense to look stern and match his expression to the others. Pretending he knew what was going on was the best he could do. 

In the back of his mind his mom’s words started eating away at him. The game wasn’t enough of a distraction as he’d originally hoped. He didn’t even know who he was meeting with, yet only the time and building he was supposed to go. His eyebrows knit together at the thought, suddenly worried. Would he be surrounded in a big room? What if they all judged him, especially if he had to tell _ them _ he was gay, too? 

Shit. 

Changkyun’s fingers nervously picked at the strings of his sweatshirt, tightening his hood like Hoseok did before. He had to admit, he probably looked like a stupid penguin with his black hair and white sweatshirt but he didn’t care. At least this way he could hide a bit, curled in the back corner of the couch. The roommates didn’t pay him any attention unless it was a commercial. 

Or so he thought. 

Every once and awhile Changkyun scanned the TV for the score or the timeclock, wondering when the game would be over. In those moments he looked up, Kihyun’s eyes quickly darted from him to the tv, as if he had been caught watching him. The first time Changkyun felt self conscious, his body warming under his gaze. The next few times he became more curious, wondering if Kihyun was really watching him. That thought alone made his stress go through the roof. His cheeks flamed with color in the span of minutes. 

His legs hit the floor. “I’m getting a drink,” he muttered. 

There was a 2nd down and just minutes left in the fourth quarter. 

He rifled through the fridge, an excuse he used to take a deep breath. When he opened his eyes he reached for a bottle of beer, one of the many kinds that Shownu kept well stocked. His sleeve slid down his hand and he used it as leverage to twist off the bottle cap. He flicked the cap on the kitchen island as he turned around. 

“Ooof,” Kihyun let out a heavy sigh, clashing into Changkyun and spilling his beer on the floor.

“Fuck,” Changkyun said, putting his drink on the counter. A bit of foam covered the top. He reached for a kitchen towel and mopped at the spot on the floor. 

Kihyun knelt and used with a wet sponge from the sink to help clean up the sticky mess. “I’m sorry.” 

“It happens.” Changkyun stood back up to extend the space between them. 

“Do you want a different one?” Kihyun straightened his legs to full height. 

It put them directly face to face. They really were close in height. Everything about Kihyun felt so perfect, even viewing him from this close. He wanted to worship the faint beauty marks on his cheeks, the darker mole at his neck. The way his lips pursed just before he licked them was downright sinful. Changkyun stared at the gold and amber flecks in Kihyun’s brown eyes and the way his hair shone under the bright pendant lights overhead. 

He shook his head desperately, needing to clear his head. He reached for the bottle and stepped away. “This one’s fine.” 

A gentle hand wrapped around his wrist, stopping him. “Are you okay? You seem out of it.” 

Changkyun’s head shot up. Kihyun_ had _ been watching him, observing him. His heart skipped a beat. Everything within him froze. He felt unable to move, to speak, to even blink. 

Kihyun’s fingers slid from his wrist to his bare fingers, gently rubbing against the soft skin. “I just thought you looked stressed. I’m sorry if I’m going too far.” His body shifted and curved in. His hand dropped and he hung his head. “I won’t pry.” 

“Wait..” Changkyun whispered, reaching his hand towards Kihyun’s dangling fingers. 

The touch was warm like hand warmers in wintertime. 

Kihyun looked up from under his lashes and set his lips in a straight line. He shook off Changkyun’s grip. “I was being nosy. I’m sorry.” 

There was so much worry and sincerity through his words. His chest swelled with relief in the same way his parents did when they supported him. Kihyun truly cared.

“Don’t be,” Changkyun stared into his eyes. That gaze sucked him right in. “You―you’re right. I’m just nervous.” He picked at his fingertips, pulling at the skin around his nails. “I have a big meeting tomorrow.”

Kihyun looked behind him at the living room and saw Jooheon, Hoseok and Hyungwon glued to the game. They didn’t look in their direction once. 

“Follow me,” He pulled Changkyun by the hand down the back hallway and into the laundry room. It was a large and nestled behind the kitchen and near the back-door to the garage. There were four large machines and endless amounts of detergent, cleaning products, and storage bins. His eyes scanned the space while Kihyun quietly shut the door. 

Kihyun looked back to Changkyun earnestly. “Is this okay? I thought you might not want everyone to know.” 

Changkyun nodded and pushed his glasses up his nose bridge. “Thank you.” 

“You look silly like that,” Kihyun admitted, pointing at his hood. 

“Hoseok did this to me earlier and I just kinda liked it,” Changkyun’s cheeks flushed with pink. His arms wrapped around his middle. “I look like an idiot, huh?” 

He titled his head to get a better view. “I think it’s cute,” Kihyun smiled, showing perfect, white teeth. 

His words made Changkyun’s legs wobble and his entire body warm. Suddenly the room felt very cozy. Changkyun became very aware how close Kihyun was and how far away everyone else was. He coughed once, his throat dry. 

“What is the meeting about?” Kihyun asked, opening the dryer. He surveyed the contents inside and pulled out a fluffy looking towel. Next to the machine was an empty basket to which he put all the rest of them inside. “Want to help me?” 

Changkyun was grateful for the diversion. His fingers folded the first towel neatly while he formed the right words to say. He stood only two feet from Kihyun and the entire room smelled like fabric softener and lavender. It was pretty close what he imagined heaven to be like.

“My mom reported to the Dean that I left the dormitories due to an incident. Now they want me to go and give a formal statement. Maybe an interview. I don’t even know.” 

Kihyun nodded as he spoke. “That sucks.” 

“I know.”

“The others told me what happened when they moved you out of there,” Kihyun added. Changkyun closed his eyes, not wanting to remember that particular memory. “Is.. is that what you have bad dreams about?” 

Changkyun didn’t know whether to love or hate Kihyun’s observation skills. But he was tired of holding all these secrets in, tired of letting this situation control his life. “Yeah, most of the time,” he gulped. “I wish I didn’t even think about him.” 

Kihyun’s towels now stood in a large stack. He spoke with his head down. “There’s too many people like that. Narrow-minded, entitled, ignorant.” 

“Mean, cruel, demeaning..” Changkyun continued, closing his eyes. A phantom hand wrapped around his neck, a memory he desperately wanted to forget. The fear still felt very, very real. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye. 

Kihyun turned and looked at him. Really looked at him. 

They stood face to face, eyes sharing the same but different pain. A mutual bond of trust built between them. It comforted Changkyun as he’d never shared these details with anyone else, not even his parents. That thought alone made his lower lip tremble. He was falling so hard and so fast. He tried to hold it in, but failed as Kihyun took one step toward him with such a sympathetic gaze. 

Kihyun crushed him in a hug and held him tight to his chest. “He won’t ever hurt you again, okay? I won’t let him. I won’t let him, Changkyun.”

More silent tears fell as those words soothed his mind and eased the burden in his soul. He hiccuped, trying to breathe through erratic breaths. Kihyun rubbed his back and shhh’d him to relax. “I promise you’ll be safe here. Thank god Jooheon found you.” 

Changkyun nestled himself in the crease of Kihyun’s collarbone and shoulder, breathing in his warm, familiar scent. It felt like a dream, or maybe another nightmare. He didn’t know what to think. But he didn’t want to move, to leave the comfort of Kihyun’s arms and the privacy of the laundry room. It was their own little world just like he dreamed about. 

But the moment couldn’t last forever, not when Changkyun’s hiccups were out of control. He pulled away and saw the amused expression on Kihyun’s face. 

“Are my hugs that bad?”

Changkyun laughed, holding his belly. He couldn’t help but smile at the bad joke. After a few more stable breaths his hiccups went away. “I’m okay now.” 

“When is the meeting tomorrow?” Kihyun pulled out his phone. 

“After my first class. I think around 11:30am. I have to go to the main administration building.” 

“Damn it, I have class then.” 

“What?”

“I thought I could go with you.. But I can pick you up after? I have a break at noon.” 

Changkyun’s eyes widened. “Why? You don’t have to do that.”

Kihyun leaned against the counter next to the sink where the folded towels sat. He re-stacked the towels in an equally neat pile. The extra seconds gave him the courage to say what he was feeling. “I want to make sure you are okay.”

“Oh..” 

“Ugh, I’m being too nosy again. It’s stupid, forget I suggested it.” 

Changkyun didn’t want to do that at all. “I’ll look for you outside when I’m done?” He wondered. 

Kihyun’s eyes lit up and he smiled in such a way that made Changkyun want to melt like the marshmallow he really was. 

“Deal.” 

*!*!*

Changkyun bowed politely and rushed the hell out of the ostentatious, overly stuffy conference room. 

For the past thirty-minutes two university administrators, one Dean, and several other people he wasn’t even introduced to listened to his story and took notes of the incident for official record. Their questions often felt like an interrogation, not an attempt to understand. When the word gay came out of his mouth for the first time, three staff visibly moved in their seats as if they flinched. They were surprised, unfamiliar. It was what he was afraid of: judgement, bias, unfairness. 

But he didn’t want any regrets. He didn’t want to live with shame when he did nothing wrong. He told them exactly what happened from the beginning. Changkyun squeezed his hands together so tight they were nearly white. Toward the end, his voice trembled when he spoke about the physical violence and threats. His hands visibly shook when he explained those memories, so much so he slipped them under the table to hide his tremors. As he finished, all but one question remained from the Dean. 

“How do you propose we resolve this situation?” 

Changkyun wasn’t going to tell them what to do, not when he remembered their expressions from apathy, disgust, or uncertainty. Only one woman in the back of the room showed empathy. He could see the tears welling in her eyes the entire meeting and it was that recognition that helped give him the courage to keep going. 

Even if it was only one person who understood.

He pushed his hands against the table and stood up to full height. His neatly styled hair fell into his face, black fringe covering one of his eyes. He wore a plain white button down and sleek black pants as his mother has suggested, to show respect. Respect they didn’t give back as they asked intrusive, personal questions. As they asked him if he provoked his roommate or tried to make a move on him. As if he might be the victim, not Changkyun. 

Changkyun stared for several, silent moments right at the men sitting in front of him at the pretentious, obnoxious conference table. 

“Not a single student going to this university and paying to be here should feel unsafe because of who they are. You know exactly what you should do.” His eyes were clear, his tongue sharp. 

He turned and left the room, not bothering to say goodbye. He had zero regrets. 

A ten-ton weight lifted off his chest when he pushed open the wide double doors to the building and stumbled down the stairs, blinking at the blinding sunlight overhead. He rushed to put a hand over his eyes, shielding them from the rays. He scanned around the grassy area in front of the building as best as he could, hoping to see Kihyun waiting for him. His heart sank when he didn’t find him, wondering if he had changed plans. Changkyun pulled his phone out of his pocket and scanned the screen. There were no notifications. 

“I’m here,” a smooth, soft voice said to his right. 

Kihyun leaned against the bike racks near the entrance, a spot nicely shaped by a large towering tree. He looked cool in black skinny jeans, a classic white t-shirt and windbreaker that seemed like something limited edition. Changkyun’s belly did flips when he saw the dark sunglasses and perfectly sculpted hair. He held his breath as long as he could. 

Seeing him look like_ that _ could erase every bad memory from his entire life. 

“Oh, hi,” Changkyun’s cheeks flamed. He smiled softly, walking in short steps towards Kihyun. He pulled his hands against his sides. “I didn’t see you.” 

Kihyun straightened and took two steps to reach him. He scanned his face, his eyes. “Everything go okay?” His hand reached over and rubbed at his arm, around his shoulder. 

Changkyun shivered, wanting to blame it on the fall air. “Mhm,” he mumbled, reaching for the strap of his backpack. He hoisted it more securely on his shoulder. “It’s over. That’s what I’m most happy about.” 

“Me too,” Kihyun agreed, softly smiling. “I worried all morning.” 

Kihyun’s confession took him by surprise. He shuffled his weight from foot to foot nervously. His eyes looked behind Kihyun at the bike racks then watched other students walking nearby. He’d felt sick all morning and now that same tightness filled his stomach for an entirely different reason. 

His voice felt small. “Why?” 

Kihyun’s shoulders sagged. His hand reached up and rubbed at the shell of his ear and pulled on the lobe. “I know it can be hard to talk about things you’ve kept secret. Stuff you don’t really tell anyone or want to share. Personal things.” He sighed, his eyes glistening under the afternoon light. His large hand wrapped around Chankyun’s back and landed on his shoulder, pulling him close for comfort. Their bodies aligned. “I’m glad you’re okay.” 

Changkyun controlled his breathing as best he could. All he could give Kihyun was a small smile, even if inside his heart was racing from the contact. 

“I need a snack before my next class.” 

He nodded. “I couldn’t eat breakfast, I was too nervous. I’m starving.” 

“Then we need to remedy that,” Kihyun smiled brightly, his hand reaching to ruffle Changkyun’s hair. He started walking ahead, quickly realizing that Changkyun hadn’t moved. “C’mon Changkyun-ah!” 

Goosebumps covered Changkyun’s entire body. _ Changkyun-ah? _ He wanted to record the exact way Kihyun said his name. To commit it to memory. He’d have to figure that out later. “I’m coming!” 

*!*!*

Inside the cafe it was exactly the same as last time. Yet everything was different. 

And he was with Yoo Kihyun. _ Yoo Kihyun. _

When they arrived Kihyun pushed him toward a table, promising he’d order for them and wait in line. He expressed worry about the paleness in Changkyun’s cheeks and the dark circles under his eyes, although they didn’t seem to be anywhere as dark as his own. 

He nudged him towards a table near the back. “You sit and rest, I’ll take care of it.” 

Changkyun nodded, using that time to watch him freely from across the cafe. As he remembered, the barista's were friendly and kind, making everyone’s drinks as fast as they could. The young girl smiled at Kihyun, laughing out loud when he handed over his card as if they shared an inside joke. When Kihyun turned to look back at the table, Changkyun was caught staring and this time he gave his biggest, cheesy smile, scrunching his nose and cheeks while he leaned forward on his elbows. 

He could flirt with Kihyun too. 

Ten minutes later they were surrounded by two steaming hot coffees, a croissant, a plate of fresh fruit, apple-cinnamon oatmeal, and a cup filled with water. 

Changkyun’s mouth watered. “Whoa…” 

“Is this okay?” Kihyun pulled out his chair and sat down. He held a small container of cream for his coffee and set it on the table. “I didn’t know what you liked. I should’ve asked,” his hand wrapped around the back of his neck. “I’m sorry that was stupid. I can get you what you like.”

“Kihyun,” Changkyun said slowly. They leaned into each other across the table. “This is great. I’m so hungry I was about to eat a napkin.” 

“Well if that’s your taste then I did pretty damn good,” he joked, stirring a splash of cream into his coffee. 

The background music of the cafe accompanied them while they ate, sharing bites of oatmeal and ripping off pieces of bread. Everytime Changkyun pushed the oatmeal towards Kihyun, the older boy pushed it back, demanding he eat more. “You’re too pale. Eat it.” 

“I’m pale? It’s almost winter!” 

“I don’t need anymore,” Kihyun argued. His slender hand held up the silver spoon. “Here.” 

“You need to eat too. You’re slim, too slim.” 

Changkyun was careful with his words. He had already observed in his short time at the house how Kihyun was when he was stressed. It was easy to see he skipped meals and sacrificed sleep, pushing himself to study more. He was always juggling too much. 

The corners of Kihyun’s mouth fell. “Two bites.” 

“Two for me, then two for you.” 

Kihyun thought about it for a moment, tapping his lips with his index finger. “Okay.” 

Changkyun took the spoon from his hand, brushing their fingers together. It felt like they were in their own little world, just like the laundry room. This was Changkyun’s new favorite place to be. 

*!*!*

This was a terrible idea. 

Changkyun pushed his cart, trying to dodge the other one that Hyungwon haphazardly drove. He paid attention to far too many things on the shelves instead of the lane before him. 

In his cart he’d loaded up on fresh fruit and veggies, making sure to follow the list he’d made earlier. They were winding through the middle isles, making sure they grabbed cereal, snacks, and plenty of rice. 

“Hey!” Changkyun shouted down the aisle right before Hyungwon ran into a large display of fruit snacks. Every single box crashed onto the floor. “Ya! Hyungwon!” 

“Shit!” Hoseok yelled, rushing to help pick them up. He piled them in his arms. 

Jooheon laughed and dropped three boxes of cereal from his arms into the cart. Shownu was off somewhere else and Changkyun just hoped they hadn’t lost him. 

“Is it always like this?” Changkyun asked. He was sweating through his undershirt and they hadn’t even made it through half the store. “This chaotic?”

“Grocery shopping?” Hyungwon clarified. “This is how we normally do it.” 

“I had a feeling about that,” Changkyun grumbled. 

Jooheon wound his arm around his lower back. “You act just like Kihyun,” he laughed. “That’s why he doesn’t come with us anymore.” 

“I’m pretty sure I know why.” 

“Let me take the lead, little bro.” Jooheon commandeered the cart. He rushed forward, running out of the cereal aisle. Hoseok followed after him flailing. “We’ve got this!” 

Changkyun rolled his eyes and couldn’t help but laugh. He followed after them, but not before filling his hands with more necessary items that the others clearly forgot. 

He found them again in the freezer section. 

“One, two, three..” Changkyun gasped. “Why do we need five different types of ice cream?” 

“For our ice cream party, duh,” Hoseok easily explained. 

“Oh, right. The ice cream party..” Changkyun shook his head, pretending to understand. He dropped the salad dressing, crackers, and other bits into the cart, scanning it again. “How can we have four jars of pasta sauce and no noodles?” 

Hyungwon pouted, his arms crossed over his chest in question. “Right..” 

“On it!” Shownu said, pulling his head out of the freezer. The tips of his hair had frosted slightly. “I’ll be right back.” 

“Can we go then?” Changkyun suggested. “I think this is enough for like a month.” 

Hoseok choked on a protein bar he pulled out of a box they hadn’t paid for yet. “A month? Try a few days. This might last a week if we’re lucky.” 

“Wow..” Changkyun pushed the cart towards the check-outs. “Incredible.” 

“Wait!” Hoseok cried. “Did we get ramen?” 

Jooheon shuffled to the front of the cart, then checked Hyungwon’s cart. “Yep, we got it!” 

“Oh thank god.” 

Changkyun paused near an end display of hand soaps. It smelled like lemons and grapefruit and verbena. He licked his lips. “Is there uh.. is there anything Kihyun likes to eat?” 

“He likes whatever,” Hyungwon shrugged. 

It was not the helpful answer he was looking for. 

Jooheon gave him a sly look and pulled up to his side, joining them at the hip. “He really likes fried rice and eats a lot of strawberries when they’re fresh.” He leaned closer, inches away from Changkyun’s face. The next words came out as a whisper, “But if you want to make him a romantic meal, he never turns down steak and green―”

Changkyun covered Jooheon’s mouth with the palm of his hand and silenced him as fast as he could. He was thankful, for once, that the others were preoccupied with the candy near the register and loading the items on the belt for the cashier. His eyes cut back to Jooheon who had the biggest smile on his face. 

“Don’t say a word,” Changkyun threatened in a deep voice. He didn’t want anyone to know. “I mean it.” 

Jooheon winked. “I can keep a secret.” 

*!*!* 

  
  


Everyone but Changkyun whined the whole way home about how hungry they were. Even Hyungwon complained and hit his head on the back of the headrest. Multiple times.

Changkyun turned from the front seat, his eyes scanning as Shownu drove casually, one hand at the top of the wheel. “The faster you put everything away, the faster I can start cooking,” he reminded them. “I’ll make pasta.”

There was no more convincing needed. Hoseok even helped Changkyun put an apron over his clothes and filled a large pot up with water for the noodles. 

Changkyun had just finished seasoning the chicken and heating up the pan when Kihyun came home. He paused, appraising Changkyun up and down. His lips turned up when he saw the apron. 

“You’re cooking?” Kihyun sounded hopeful. 

Changkyun placed the chicken into the sizzling oil and mushrooms. He hid the embarrassment for his outfit as much as he could. It wasn’t hard to stare into the pan. “Pasta and pan-fried chicken.” 

Kihyun peeked over, his scent curling around Changkyun as he looked over the stove. They were inches away. He smelled like old books and the soap in their shower. His eyes were pink with exhaustion and he didn’t bother to hold back a big yawn. 

“It looks good,” He finally said, slow to blink. “Do you want help? I just need to change.” 

“No! No, I should be done soon.. The water is almost boiling.” 

“What about the sauce? I’ll help.” The creases on Kihyun’s forehead became prominent. Changkyun wanted to smooth them away with his fingertips.. or his lips. After he fed him a home cooked meal, of course. 

“Go change, I’ll be here.” Changkyun conceded, nudging him out of the kitchen. 

He didn’t want Kihyun to overexert himself any more than he was. He rushed to flip the chicken, making sure both sides had an even sear. The large pot of water needed a bit of salt and he dropped in the linguine noodles, enough to feed several large humans. It didn’t take long to realize that they would go through _ a lot _ of food in a week, if he cooked like this. 

From the cupboard he found the jar of pre-made cream sauce, to which he added his own minced garlic and fresh herbs. Belatedly, he remembered the french bread. 

“If you want garlic bread, one of you better start cutting this loaf!”

Jooheon jumped up from somewhere in the living room. “On it!, Captain” 

It only took a few more minutes before they were all crowded in the kitchen, watching and waiting for everything to be ready. Jooheon fed Hyungwon bits of bread he slathered with butter and Hoseok threw strands of pasta at the wall to see if it stuck. When it did, he laughed triumphantly and proceeded to eat it straight from the wall. Changkyun tended to the chicken, expertly cooking it like his mom taught him in their kitchen back home. 

Kihyun had just then emerged from his room, hair messy like he’d been running his hands through it. His black t-shirt looked wrinkled and he wore oversize shorts that looked big enough to be Shownu’s. He pushed everyone away from the kitchen except for Shownu. 

“Go sit down. You,” he looked up to the oldest roommate, “grab plates and forks.” 

Changkyun had just drained the water and put the pasta back in the pot and mixed in the delicious, white cream sauce. On top he nestled in the golden-brown chicken, flecked with Italian spices and green herbs. “All done,” he said proudly. 

“Our first home cooked meal by Changkyunnie!” Hoseok clasped his hands together. He sat at the dining room table eagerly. “This feels like a special occasion.” 

Kihyun carried the heavy pot over to the table and set it on a hot plate. “Everyone thank Changkyun for feeding us.” 

A chorus of hearty thank you’s and a deep thank you from Shownu was all they said before passing around the food and tucking in as fast as they could. The french bread was gone in minutes and everyone eagerly slurped up noodles and sauce like it was their last meal. 

“This chicken breast…” Hoseok sighed, taking a big bite. He chewed loudly then smiled. “It’s so good. It never tastes this good when I make it.” 

Changkyun shrugged. “I helped my mom in the kitchen a lot. Seasoning is important.” 

“So true,” Hoseok agreed, stealing a bit more chicken from Kihyun’s plate. 

As they slowed their pace and began talking again, around the table they discussed everything and anything. At one point they talked about their classes and homework then completely switched to interrogating Shownu about the girl he wanted to date after one of them caught them talking “very closely” after class.

“How was practice this week, Kihyun?” Hyungwon switched their conversation, leaning back in his chair. He hadn’t finished his food but Hoseok and Shownu fought over the leftovers, agreeing to share them after drawing even in rock, paper, scissors. 

“Really good. The last game will be fun,” Kihyun said honestly, nodding his head. He grinned mischievously. “I want to win.”

Just then his phone buzzed on the table and he glanced at the screen. All color drained from his face and shaky fingers picked up the phone as fast as he could. 

“Father,” he answered in a completely different tone. It sounded nothing like the Kihyun he grew to know. 

Changkyun watched his eyes flutter shut and his eyebrows knit together. His shoulders slumped against the back of the chair. He remembered what Shownu told him a few days ago. Curiosity filled him. Worry, too. 

Kihyun pushed his empty plate forward and shook his head gravely to everyone at the table. He murmured many “yes’s” while he got up quietly and stalked off to the privacy of his room. 

The door clicked shut and everyone stopped holding their breath. 

Hoseok spoke up first, his lips creasing at the corners. “That doesn’t sound good.” 

“His dad’s been on his case a lot lately,” Jooheon frowned, twirling more noodles onto his fork. “The other day he didn’t know I was here and his dad came over. His dad yelled,” his body shuddered and he paused. His dark eyes looked grim. “I mean really yelled. I didn’t know what to do.” 

Hyungwon looked apologetically at Changkyun, then the others. He laced his fingers together and tried to act nonchalant. “We don’t know what’s going on. Maybe he’s just checking in.” 

“I highly doubt that,” Hoseok spat angrily. “Kihyun never talks to us about it. He just lets it eat away at him...” 

In that moment Changkyun felt like he understood Kihyun more than anyone else. He explained softly with familiarity and true understanding. “Sometimes people want to keep some things a secret instead of letting the whole world know.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a long one. grab a cuppa' and please enjoy. all mistakes are my own. i love talking to you in the comments. leave me a message if you liked this.

* * *

“It’s the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.”

―Paulo Coelho

* * *

Hoseok stuck a spatula of cream sauce in his mouth at the exact moment Kihyun emerged from his room, red-rimmed eyes and sagging like he’d gotten the wind knocked out of him. Everyone tried not to stare but it was like a car crash, you couldn’t look away. 

Changkyun watched, trying to hold back the urge to follow Kihyun everywhere with his eyes. Kihyun slowly entered the kitchen, his hand rubbing the back of his head. Brown, golden hair stuck up in all directions. Thick and full and shiny―

_ No. _

Changkyun stopped himself from staring, from examining every centimeter of his face. From wanting to drag him into his room and swoop him into a blanket cocoon where it would be safe and warm. Kihyun was precious and there was a physical need, something that pulsed under his ribs that kept wanting to care for him―to worry for him―to do anything in his power to make sure he was okay. 

It was something he’d felt since that first day in the library. And those feelings kept getting stronger. 

Dishes that night became a team event, Shownu clearing and rinsing them off in the sink, Jooheon loading everything precisely in the dishwasher. Out of the corner of his eye Shownu caught Kihyun reaching for a dishtowel. He grumbled, “We’ve got it covered.”

Kihyun’s eyes turned to ice, his gaze cutting. “I live here too, I can help.”

“It’s already done,” Jooheon leaned in, shutting the dishwasher. Water spilled and stained his t-shirt, a large swath wet around his middle. He tilted his head, smiling wide to show off his dimples. “Unless you want to add the detergent.” 

“Funny,” Kihyun responded without humor. “I’ll leave you to it, then.” 

Shownu’s broad hand wiped the counters spotlessly clean. Once finished he went straight to the fridge, grabbed a beer and took a long pull.

“Come lay on the couch,” Shownu urged Kihyun. When Kihyun didn’t respond he grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him directly on the large couch. 

“We can watch whatever you want,” Shownu handed him the remote, tipping the bottle to his lips. 

Kihyun rolled his eyes. “We don’t have to watch football? Or reruns of How I Met Your Mother?” 

Shownu slapped him on the leg, still happy to finally get a reaction. He smiled in the quirky way that only Shownu could. “Pick something before I change my mind.” 

“Alright, alright.” 

The channels flipped every few seconds, Kihyun scanning each one. 

Changkyun turned back to the kitchen and folded the towel in his hands neatly in half, hanging in on a hook. Hoseok and everyone else silently crawled back to their rooms to study or do whatever they did in their free time. He still had yet to see Jooheon do school work. Hyungwon spent a lot of time at rehearsal or in his courses which were very different then traditional ones since they focused on acting. 

He was proud to start learning these details about his roommates―their habits and their behaviors―what they liked and disliked. Being close with them these past few days had felt like a dream, one he worried one day he’d wake up from. But that was something he didn’t dare dwell on, a thought he buried deep beneath. He’d do whatever he could to hold onto good, happy feelings. 

And he’d do _ whatever _ he had to do to stay close to Kihyun. He didn’t want to let go, not yet. Not ever, if he was given the choice. 

So instead of doing the math review questions he had planned to finish he skipped off to the couch and nestled himself right near Kihyun, close enough to touch. He watched his nose scrunch up while he studied the shows, finally stopping on a public television channel.

Changkyun squinted his eyes at the screen, rubbing under his glasses to clear his vision. “Is it blurry?” He asked aloud. 

Shownu laughed. “No, it’s just old. Really, Kihyun?” 

The man they watched had an overgrown beard and held a palette full of paint. His right hand delicately stroked a white canvas with browns and blues, a streak of yellow near the top. 

“This relaxes me,” Kihyun crossed his hands over his chest. 

“I like it,” Changkyun stretched out his legs, finding a comfortable position. He looked back at Kihyun with a soft expression. “It does seem peaceful.” 

“Right? We’re watching this,” Kihyun argued. “No take backs, Shownu.” 

Shownu threw a pillow at Kihyun’s head, smacking him in the face. “Just don’t get mad when I fall asleep.”

Kihyun adjusted the pillow in his lap, lacing his fingers across the blue velvet fabric. He leaned closer to Changkyun, their bodies flush along one side. Warmth spread from their seam and spread. They watched the man quietly paint scenic trees and mountains, then a river meandering through the middle. The sun shone across the entire painting, glowing across the final version of the painting. 

Changkyun had never been more impressed with an artist. He felt lured in by the softness of his voice, how he explained brushes and techniques, almost feeling like he could do it too. Towards the end he turned to see both Shownu and Kihyun’s eyes closed, chests rising and falling softly as they slept. Shownu’s skin looked smooth and fresh, even across the distance. From close range, he saw breath from Kihyun’s mouth, little huffs of air that ruffled the fringe across his forehead. Changkyun’s fingers begged to touch it, to gently brush it away. 

He took the risk, slowly getting up on one knee and leaning over Kihyun’s slumbering form. His entire body covered Kihyun and his mind ran away quickly, picturing a variety of other things he’d rather be doing in this position. He bit his lip hard, banishing those kinds of thoughts for when he was alone. His fingers steadied, softly pushing the hair out of Kihyun’s eyes. He held himself back from kissing his forehead right at the tender spot in the middle. 

There were blankets from flannel to sherpa and heavy knits in a trunk near the far window. Changkyun grabbed two, draping the red and green flannel pattern across Shownu’s long, lean body. The warmer looking one, a homemade cream knit, he saved for Kihyun. It fit over him perfectly, covering from head to toe right where Changkyun tucked the fabric tight. He gently stood over Kihyun’s upper half, wanting to adjust it just right. 

Shownu’s irregular snores rivaled the sound from the TV. Kihyun groaned in his sleep and Changkyun went motionless. Beneath him, Kihyun moved and adjusted his entire body to its side, pulling at a nearby pillow.

“Here,” Changkyun crooned softly, pushing the cushion gently under his head. His hands automatically pulled the blanket up to his neck. He hoped Kihyun would at last find rest. “Sleep well.” 

Changkyun turned down the volume on the TV after finding the remote jostled to the floor. Quiet like a mouse, he tip-toed away from the couch. Just as he left the space, Kihyun murmured in his sleep, moving his head on the pillow. Changkyun turned back, thinking he’d find Kihyun awake. What he found was Kihyun’s eyes shut, lips slightly apart. His hands were clasped together, right under his cheek. He rasped again, quiet and clear like a devotion. “_Stay._” 

Changkyun, stunned and speechless, laid on his bed entirely wide awake. Hands tucked under his head, he watched the dark black ceiling speckle from the moonlight that broke through the cracks in the windows. For hours he wondered if he heard him correctly or imagined it entirely. 

*!*!* 

Friday afternoon classes were the_ worst _and Changkyun distracted himself on the walk home by considering the quickest way to mold himself into the couch. He felt tired enough to sleep for days. Through the entire weekend, at least. He was glad he told his mom he needed more time to adjust before she visited. There was literally nothing that would stop him from sleeping. 

Working, going to class, and studying kept him busy. Too busy. And there was all the time he spent thinking about Kihyun, which took up a good chunk of his day. 

He dropped all this belongings in his room and changed into the most comfortable shorts and t-shirt he owned. Then he tested his theory, finding the perfect spot on the middle of the couch. It was also the perfect viewing angle to see the TV. He propped a throw pillow under his head and flipped through the channels until he found his favorite cooking show. He watched imagining new dishes to try and got entirely too hungry in the process. 

Hyungwon spotted him as he descended down the stairs, veering left to join him in the living room. 

“Not at the theater?” Changkyun questioned. 

“We have rehearsal all weekend, so tonight is a night off.” 

“Nice.” 

“I just took the best nap.” Hyungwon yawned and stretched his arms overhead. He fell back onto the couch like he was doing a trust fall. His tall, slim body just melted in the cushions. 

Changkyun nuzzled the pillow and adjusted his legs, pulling them close to his chest. “I’m trying to nap.” 

Hyungwon took that as a cue to remain silent, watching the chef cook homemade bread and a hearty soup. He was typing a message on his phone when laughter sounded at the back of the house. 

“Quiet, you two!” Hyungwon yelled, laughing when Changkyun peeked one eye open. 

Mercifully he had yet to fall asleep. 

Hoseok’s loud roar followed into the living room and Changkyun recognized Kihyun’s musical laugh along with it. He popped up, looking over the back of the couch. 

“Kihyun almost face planted!” Hoseok doubled over, holding himself up with hands on his knees. “He didn’t even see it coming when I pushed him, you know that spot around the corner?” His hands randomly gestured. “It was hilarious..” tears fell from his eyes at the memory. 

“Kihyun-ah, I didn’t think you fell for that anymore,” Hyungwon grinned.

A good-natured smile but calculating eyes looked back. “He caught me while I was on my phone. I have the reflexes of a _ shark_.” Kihyun gleamed. 

“You’re just lucky,” Hoseok pushed his shoulder, catching his breath. 

“Put your money where your mouth is,” Kihyun shot back. His tongue slicked over his teeth. “I’m not lucky and you know it. It’s pure skill. I’ll show you.”

Hoseok never backed down. He stood to full height, a few inches above Kihyun. “So what, 5 or 10k? Fastest wins?” 

“30 pull ups, 5 kilometers then 10 burpees. Fastest to finish wins.” Kihyun didn’t mince his words. His eyebrows lifted on the final sentence. “You in?”

Changkyun watched their exchange with equal parts curiosity and jealousy. 

Hoseok puffed out his chest. “Winner gets three wishes.” 

“You’re on,” Kihyun announced. “Outside in fifteen minutes.” 

They crossed over the living room in different directions, Hoseok sprinting up the stairs and Kihyun finding his room. Doors slammed seconds later, echoing through the house. 

Changkyun wasn’t entirely sure what he’d just witnessed. “What the hell are they doing?”

“It’s just a pissing contest,” Hyungwon shrugged, a faint smile on his face. There seemed to be memories of past competitions on his mind. “They love to compete.” 

“Who do you think will win?”

“Oh you won’t hear anything like that from me. I don’t pick sides. You’ll do better if you don’t, too.”

Changkyun turned towards him, holding back a yawn. “Why?”

“Hoseok will be jealous if he finds you rooting for Kihyun,” Hyungwon said with certainty. 

“What?―How?” Changkyun coughed once, then again. He rubbed over his chest as red splotches appeared on his neck, the tops of his ears. “I didn’t pick anyone.” 

Hyungwon scrunched his nose and leaned forward. His eyes shimmered, showing off his handsome features. “But you probably will, right?” 

Changkyun rapidly stood up and crossed his arms over this chest. He pursed his lips and grit through his teeth. “I won’t pick a side.” It was the biggest lie he’d told in a while, but there was the slightest possibility that all his roommates had realized Changkyun crushed on Kihyun and that needed to change. “I’m going to remain neutral. As the youngest I can’t play favorites.” 

Hyungwon casually picked up the remote to change the channel. “Keep telling yourself that, Changkyun-ah.” 

_ Damn it. _All he had wanted to do was sleep. 

*!*!*

Outside in the driveway Kihyun stretched his calves and rotated his narrow waist in small circles. Hoseok bent over, lacing one of the many pairs of expensive training shoes he owned. These were black and gold with a simple swoosh logo. It matched his all-black ensemble. 

It was a gorgeous fall day, the sun fading lower and lower if they looked to the west. Leaves of red and green and brown fell off the trees surrounding the house, covering the driveway with foliage. Temperatures were still warm enough not to need a coat, yet the night would turn cold. Their garage door was open revealing gym equipment Changkyun had yet to see. Inside was a long bar for pull ups and a padded floor for other exercises. A full set of weights and kettlebells for training lined the entire side of the garage wall. The equipment rivaled that of a real gym. 

Kihyun pointed to the garage. “Let’s start with pull ups, run, then back here for burpees to finish.” 

Hoseok adjusted his dry-wicking shirt and clapped his hands together hard. “Are we doing the usual route? Run to the far side of the hospital and back?” 

“Yeah. Turn around at the Research Tower. Then straight back here,” Kihyun licked his lips. 

While they talked logistics Changkyun had been looking at the flowers dying in the beds instead of staring at Kihyun looking all too edible in his Nike shorts and matching shirt, the kind that clung to his body as if it were wet. It was making him have all kinds of thoughts he couldn’t handle in the moment so he looked away and looked at dirt, the trees, and any other boring things he could find. He thought he saw a snail and went in for a closer look.

“Changkyun-ah,” Hoseok walked up behind him, his shadow looming. 

He reluctantly turned at the sound of his name, “Hmm?” 

“You’ll wait for us here? So we can have a fair game.” 

Changkyun stood straight, lacing his hands together behind his back. He dragged his shoe against the concrete driveway, questioning internally how he got roped into this. When it came to Kihyun he was learning he’d drop anything for a chance to be by his side. Talk about not fair. 

“Um, sure.” 

Kihyun approached him silently, so suddenly it made Changkyun jump. He was in the middle of stretching his arms across his chest, then elbows behind his head, pulling them with the opposite hand. Each time his shirt rode up and showcased creamy, unblemished skin. 

“Can you use the timer on your phone for the race?” 

“Yeah,” Changkyun replied, gulping. He was certain he saw precious little moles dotted across Kihyun’s skin. Moles he wanted to map out and connect like his own constellation, a star in the sky―

“Let’s go! We’re losing daylight,” Hoseok cheered, clapping his hands together twice. Sweat already gathered at the edges of his hair and dripped in steady droplets. 

“Stand under the bar,” Kihyun instructed, approaching the exercise area in the garage. 

They both aligned their bodies to the appropriate position. Kihyun turned his head and nodded at Changkyun. He held his phone out, timer ready. 

“I’ll count to three and on three you can begin,” Changkyun said, pausing for a moment. “One―two―three..” his thumb pressed on the timer and the time clock began. 

Two large bodies immediately jumped up and secured their hands around the bar, pulling themselves vertical for a pull up. Hoseok and Kihyun counted loudly for the record, Hoseok only slightly ahead reaching 25, then 30 a few seconds faster than Kihyun. He dropped to the floor and winked before rushing off on his run, sprinting from the driveway just as Kihyun yelled “thirty!” 

He too fell and ran off faster than Changkyun thought possible. He watched Kihyun race ahead and yelled, “Go get him!” 

*!*!*

Less than thirty minutes later Changkyun sat on the front steps of the house waiting patiently. In the time since Hoseok and Kihyun left he strolled around the yard, rummaged through the garage, and walked around the block to study more of the neighborhood. He returned just in time when familiar voices yelled in the distance. 

It definitely sounded like curse words. Very loud ones. 

Changkyun stood at the top of the driveway just as Kihyun sprinted at him, impossibly fast. Drenched in sweat, he slowed to an abrupt stop in front of the garage. 

“Changkyun!” Kihyun rasped, gulping down air. 

“Here, here!” He followed Kihyun, phone out. “I’m still timing.”

Kihyun grunted and jumped up, pushing his hands above his head like a “V.” He crouched down and swung his legs back into a plank position. Immediately he pulled himself back up and into a standing position. “One!” and continued onto his eighth set when Hoseok emerged. He sided right next to Kihyun as he counted “Nine!” 

“Fuck,” Hoseok yelled. He jumped into the air once then slowly came down for his burpee. “You were too damn fast. What are you playing at?” He asked between heaving breaths. His black shirt landed on the dirty floor, completely drenched in sweat. 

“Ten,” Kihyun groaned and collapsed into a heap on the ground. Changkyun stopped the timer and showed it to him while he stretched his legs and rested back on his arms. He gave a triumphant, tired smile. “I won.” 

Changkyun stared at him like he was watching the Olympics. He should’ve made a gold medal to hang around Kihyun’s neck to announce his victory. _ Number one in my heart. _

Hoseok fell to the ground, giving up on his remaining burpees. 

“Not fair,” Kihyun threw up his hand with a rude gesture. 

“You won anyway.” Air rushed from his lungs. “I already feel like I’m going to throw up,” Hoseok admitted, covering his mouth. 

“Just do it in the bushes.” Kihyun tilted his head towards the side of the house. “My dad will get mad if you ruin the landscaping at the front.” 

They both took a minute to catch their breaths and calm their heart rates. Changkyun needed to do the same but for very different reasons. None that he would ever disclose to the brown-haired boy sitting at his feet, covered in sweat and smiling up at him. 

“How did you run that fast? That’s not your usual pace. I couldn’t keep up.” Hoseok argued, rubbing sore muscles in his calves and thighs. “I almost died.”

Kihyun shrugged and stared up at the open rafters of the ceiling. Cobwebs and dust lingered above them. He coughed, clearing his throat. “I can’t lose.” A heavy sigh echoed between the three of them and then he added much more quietly. “At least that’s what my dad always tells me.” 

“This is different,” the softness in Hoseok’s tone made Changkyun’s heart ache. Hoseok touched Kihyun’s knee in reassurance. “Isn’t it?”

“Losing is losing, right? It means I failed.” Kihyun thought out loud. 

“You don’t have to be the best at everything,” Hoseok amended. 

Kihyun stood up and shook off his grip, his legs unsteady. He walked to the backdoor, away from them. “It doesn’t feel that way.” His hand paused on the door handle, squeezing it hard. His chin lowered to the ground. “You won’t ever understand...” 

The door opened quietly and Kihyun disappeared behind it without another word.

Hoseok frowned and a sadness filled his eyes. The sun set around them, casting the space in the early stages of a blue-black night. He locked his gaze on Changkyun and they nodded, understanding they felt the same exact way. A physical hurt ached in his chest when Kihyun talked like a lost, hurt child. He felt the immediate need to follow after him, to hug him and remind him that he was loved and perfect, like his own parents would do. But he couldn’t physically move, his two feet stuck to the floor. 

Changkyun stayed in that moment, wondering. How could they ever help someone who appeared to be so strong, yet their heart was shattered when you peered under the surface. 

  
  


*!*!*

The rest of the weekend was a dream and a nightmare. Changkyun laid in his room all day Saturday taking naps, eating snacks, and watching movie after movie. It was the gloriously lazy day he had hoped for. But by the end of the day he couldn’t take his mind off a certain someone who had been noticeably absent from the house. 

Feeling inspired, Changkyun pulled out his history notebook and doodled all over the paper. He drew the flowers planted in front of the house, wrote a poem about Kihyun’s brown eyes, and wrote the word _ boyfriend _ over and over again in different style handwriting. At one point he wrote _ I want Yoo Kihyun to be my boyfriend _ and his stomach nervously flipped at the very idea. _ Do I love Yoo Kihyun? _It surely felt more than just “like.” 

“I’m screwed.” Changkyun flung the notebook off the bed and twisted around, curling up on his side. He laid his head in his hands, worried and worn. A lone tear escaped the corner of his eye, cascading down the side of his face. “What am I going to do?” 

*!*!*

Midterms had students rushing all over campus with stress and panic. The library was busier than usual, far more students filling usually empty tables and private study rooms to prepare. Changkyun scanned the first floor study area and noticed twice the amount of students milling about. The space was louder with everyone’s voices blending together like white noise. He found the small staff room, empty and much quieter than outside, and put his belongings away. 

Since it was Monday Changkyun took a few extra minutes to fix his hair, adjusting the fringe across his forehead. The sweater he wore―black and simple knit―was a present from his mom many years ago. He didn’t really like sweaters but Kihyun wore them a lot so he wanted to give it a try. If Kihyun could pull it off, so could he. Plus it was warm just like the usual sweatshirts he wore. He paired it with simple blue jeans and black combat boots. The outfit was basically ruined by the nerdy looking lanyard he was forced to wear, but there was not much he could do about that. 

Satisfied with his final look, Changkyun took a deep breath and set off for his shift. He wandered through the maze of shelves, stopping for a drink of water before finding the main librarian near the check-out kiosk. 

She greeted him warmly and handed over a homemade treat. “I made this over the weekend. Please enjoy it!” 

“Thank you,” Changkyun smiled shyly, eyeing what looked like a brownie. “It looks delicious.”

“Let me tell you what’s going on while we walk upstairs, shall we?” She smiled and led him through the main lobby holding a stack of books and a legal pad with notes scribbled all over it. “As it gets busier here, we’ll also take care to ensure timeliness with our deadlines and increase the check-out limits.” 

“Alright,” Changkyun noted. “What’re the new limits?” 

“If it’s reference books, we’ll allow up to seven,” She explained. 

They headed to the stairs and Changkyun ran ahead for the door, gesturing for her to go through first. She smiled proudly, emphasizing the wrinkles around her mouth. “Thank you, dear.” 

On the second floor where Changkyun most often worked, the study tables were unexpectedly full and the tutoring area bustled with extra students. He glanced at the table near the window but found it occupied by a group of four girls. The gorgeous, dark-haired tutor he usually saw must’ve still been in class. Changkyun quickly turned as the librarian pulled out a full cart of random books. 

“We have more reference books and texts to put away today as one the weekend staff was out sick. Please ensure these all get put away correctly,” she patted the top shelf of the books and Changkyun mentally counted more than 50 between the two shelves. “Refill the printers as necessary, check all the laptop’s in the multi-use room for updates, and remove all old flyers from the three bulletin boards on the floor. From there we should be set for today, I think.” 

Changkyun reached for the notepad on his desk and furiously scribbled the tasks in slanted script. Black ink smudged onto his fingers as he made a list. 

“Sounds great,” he agreed, clicking the top of the pen. He gave a slight bow, smiling without teeth. “I’ll work hard.” 

“Call me if you need anything,” she waved and headed down to the main floor.

While Changkyun wanted to wait around for Kihyun to arrive, his to-do list was too long to linger. First, he helped a student print a few posters for a presentation, unjammed a printer full of paper, and called maintenance about a leaky water fountain near the restrooms. 

An hour had gone by and he hadn’t even started to shelve the mountain of books. He hurried to the cart, scanning to see if it was organized in any rational way. Just as he thought, the books were haphazardly placed and belonged to many different sections of the library. It took fifteen minutes to sort every book intended for the second and third floor collections, organizing them on both shelves of the cart. Changkyun knew it would take him the rest of his shift to return them to their proper shelves. He set out immediately after propping up a “be back soon” sign atop his work station. 

This kind of work was quiet and peaceful, hidden in the maze of shelves and stacks of books. Very unlike the loud, crowded study areas, he seldomly passed a student looking for a book, to which he always offered help. It was the least he could do. 

Changkyun eventually ended up in the back of the stacks and got lost not once, but twice. The rows continued on and on, so far deep in the back there were no windows or rooms. Overhead fluorescent lights flickered on when he passed, illuminating thick encyclopedias, reference texts, and old textbooks. He shelved many books following the numeric system exactly. The cart he pushed squeaked from the wheels, the only sound he heard apart from his own breathing. 

A particularly large book―a medical history reference―needed to return to the very top shelf alongside a stack of dusty, leather-bound books. He stood on his tip toes, carefully balancing the book in his hands to push it in just the right spot. 

“C’mon.” Changkyun huffed, pushing his toes to get the extra inch of height needed to reach. “C’mon.” 

The oversized book slipped between his fingers and caused his body to sway back, falling on unsteady feet. Changkyun fully prepared to smoke his head on the stack of books behind him and clung both hands around the book, afraid of it clamoring on the floor. Air trapped in his lungs when the entire weight of his body fell against something hard yet soft. Gentle hands steadied his waist, grabbing right above his hips. 

“I’ve got you,” Kihyun grunted, holding most of Changkyun’s weight tight to his chest. His knees and thighs strained to hold them both up. 

“Holy..” Changkyun swore, pulling the book against his ribs, right over his racing heart. The dust on the cover created a dark outline on his sweater. In seconds he stabilized both feet, pulling away from Kihyun. He walked backwards into the shelf on his left. 

“What are you doing here?” He questioned, rubbing the back of his head. Was this a mirage like when people see water in the middle of the desert? Changkyun blinked and adjusted his glasses, hoping that wasn’t the case. 

Kihyun laughed quietly, his melodic voice very real and very much there. “Saving you, I guess.” He leaned in, appraising Changkyun more thoroughly. “Are you okay?”

Changkyun nodded, setting the offending book back on the cart. “Yeah. Was just trying to put all of these away.” 

“I can see that,” Kihyun licked his lower lip, then the pad of his thumb. He pushed the cart a good distance away and walked two more steps to close the gap. His thumb brushed over Changkyun’s jaw, wiping at a spot. Then he lowered both hands to his stomach, brushing off dust from his black sweater. “You’re all dirty.”

Holding his breath, Changkyun couldn’t form words as Kihyun touched him so intimately, so closely, so carefully. It was over in a matter of seconds but it would create a lasting memory in his mind. 

Changkyun blushed crimson and murmured his thanks. “Thanks for saving me.” 

“I had a break so I came to find you. You weren’t at your desk.” 

Changkyun took a moment to notice Kihyun’s navy corduroy pants and fitted cream sweater, a typical outfit while the days grew colder. He looked so smart and bookish it made his heart thud in his chest like the first day he saw him. Kihyun caught him staring, an amused expression on his face. 

After an awkwardly long silence Changkyun remembered he had yet to respond. He made an effort to sound normal, unaffected. “I have some books left to put away. When are you done?” 

“It might be late.. I don’t know. A lot of people want my help for their midterms,” Kihyun admitted.

At his own expense, Changkyun knew how much he sacrificed for others. He flicked his eyes to the floor, staring at a spot on the carpet. “You’re so busy all the time. I don’t know how you do it.” 

Kihyun’s shoulders sagged, his throat empty and hollow. “I don’t know either.” 

Flittering memories flashed through Changkyun’s mind like a movie reel. The race with Hoseok, the phone call with his dad, always being busy, always gone. Changkyun wanted nothing more than for Kihyun to trust him, to open up. So he did the best he could to open that door. 

“Is everything okay? We can talk about it.” 

They stood in silence for over a minute, neither saying a word. Changkyun let him process his offer, not rushing him to respond. He would wait for Kihyun however long it took. 

“I don’t know.” The words sounded like they came from someone else, someone distant and far away. 

Kihyun looked up through his lashes and raised his head, eye-level with Changkyun. There was a sadness and uncertainty that added to the lingering exhaustion that always seemed to be there.

They were surrounded by books and dust, tiny particles floating in the air under the bright, luminous lights. Even in the crowded library they managed to find their own small piece of the universe where the two of them could just _ be_. 

Impulsively, Changkyun’s fingers drifted towards Kihyun’s hand and grazed his fingers in response. To let him know he was there, to ground him back to the moment. 

“To which part of the question?” Changkyun faintly whispered. 

Kihyun’s throat bobbed, his fingers brushing Changkyun’s right back. “Both.” 

Their hands naturally wound together, fingers laced and palms clasped tight. Changkyun squeezed Kihyun’s hand with subtle pressure, his thumb caressing the delicate, soft skin. 

“Let’s go home together, okay? I’ll wait for you,” Changkyun promised. 

Kihyun replied without hesitation, the shadow of a smile on his lips. “Okay.” 

*!*!*

Hours had passed since their encounter in the back of the stacks. Changkyun finished shelving books and Kihyun returned to tutor, both acting like nothing happened at all. True to his word Kihyun stayed late to prepare a group of students for their Physics exam. Changkyun watched him go from table to table, answering questions about practice problems and explaining things on the whiteboard for the entire group. He stayed until Changkyun shot him a pleading look, pouting his lower lip for added effect. It was time they went home. 

Kihyun got the message and hurried to end his session since Changkyun was staying true to _ his _word and waiting. The library was nearing closing hours when they walked out the front doors together, greeted by darkness and a breezy chill cooling the air. 

The moon glowed over the now quiet campus. 

They walked slowly, brushing up against each other when students passed on the sidewalk. Kihyun bumped into him accidentally, one foot falling onto the dewy grass. “Sorry.” 

Changkyun took the opening and started conversation. “It’s okay,” he assured, grabbing Kihyun’s sleeve, careful of the expensive watch on his wrist. “It’s best to walk in a straight line.” 

Kihyun pursed his lips. “Funny.” 

“Jooheon told me a joke yesterday, want to hear it?” 

“It’s a terrible joke, isn’t it?” Kihyun said, covering a long yawn. 

“Ready?” Changkyun adjusted his backpack from one shoulder to the other. “How can you find Will Smith in the snow?” 

Kihyun shrugged, clearly not playing along. “I have no idea.” 

“Look for the fresh prints!” 

Kihyun rolled his eyes, laughing from deep in his belly. “That is exactly the type of joke Jooheonie would tell.” 

“I liked it,” Changkyun defended his roommate with crazy hair. A selfish want to know motivated his next question. “How did you meet Jooheon?” 

“Jooheon? We’ve known each other a long time.” 

Changkyun smiled wide. “Really? I’m picturing a little Jooheon with dimples.” 

“He looks exactly the same. You should see his baby pictures!” teased Kihyun. “We met at church. We sang together in a choir, one for kids.” 

“You can sing?” 

Kihyun paused, stopping with him at the crosswalk. A red light blinked on the post across the street. He looked both ways to check for cars before moving again. “Not really. My parents wanted me to sing but it turns out I’m awful. Jooheon can. But he first started out trying to be a rapper,” he laughed out loud. “But that didn’t go very far.”

Changkyun stumbled a step. “How come?” 

“Turns out he can’t rap or rhyme to save his life. So he stuck with singing.” 

“I had no idea.. What about Shownu?” Changkyun was clamoring to know more. 

“We went to an English Academy together years ago,” Kihyun explained. “Then we met up again here. It’s easy being friends with Shownu.” 

Changkyun followed him around a corner and passed their neighborhood mart. “He seems like someone you can always count on,” he attempted to read Kihyun’s expression as they walked near the bright lights of the store. “When I was struggling he helped a lot.” 

“He’s always been like that. Loyal, caring.” 

“It made me feel safe,” Changkyun admitted. “He didn’t have to defend me, but he did. With my old roommate.” 

Kihyun rubbed his hand over his stomach and glanced sideways. “When I first heard you were staying with us I wasn’t… thrilled. Not because of you, but I don’t always do well with change.” Dead leaves crunched beneath their feet, the same ones that littered their entire street. They were nearly home. “But I’m glad you’re here.” 

Changkyun stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, stunned. Kihyun walked several paces before noticing, then turned back to see Changkyun’s mouth wide open. 

“Why?” 

“Why what?” Kihyun stumbled back two steps, hands deep in his pant pockets. 

“You thought I was a stray cat, remember?” 

Kihyun opened his mouth but hesitated to answer. “I―I can’t explain it.”

Changkyun’s wide eyes pleaded. “Try?” 

Bellowing a sigh, Kihyun tugged at the strings on his bag and let his gaze wander to the familiar houses around them. He wouldn’t let himself look at Changkyun for fear of it all coming out wrong. 

“There’s something about you. You make me feel at ease, just like the others. And..” 

Changkyun fixed all his focus on Kihyun’s every word, his every movement. “And..?”

“I like the way you look at me,” Kihyun whispered. 

“The way I look―” 

There was no hesitation this time. “Nobody looks at me the way you do. And I don’t want you to stop.” 

*!*!*

Starfished on his bed, Changkyun’s mind ran in about twelve different directions. He repeated what Kihyun said over and over, pretending it was as if he had said it for the very first time. It still had the same effect, making him feel like a volcano ready to burst. His insides fluttered so nervously, so happily, he could’ve perished right then and there. He felt even more desperate to know, to have Kihyun divulge and share all of his secrets.

Since sleep was utterly impossible in this state, Changkyun grabbed his phone and pulled up Kihyun’s number. There were so many questions he wanted to ask but he’d start out on something easy, simple. There was no reason to scare him off. Especially if the real question he wanted to ask that minute was_ would you marry me? _

CHANGKYUN 11:44PM: What is your favorite fruit?

KIHYUN 11:44PM: Watermelon

CHANGKYUN 11:44PM: Movie that makes you cry?

KIHYUN 11:46PM: Up

CHANGKYUN 11:47PM: Song that makes you happy?

KIHYUN 11:49PM: Imagine Dragons Thunder

CHANGKYUN 11:50PM: I love that song too

CHANGKYUN 11:50PM: What’s your perfect day?

Changkyun hoped Kihyun wasn’t annoyed by his game of 21 questions. It was late, after all. He stared at the screen of his phone for a very long time and eventually three little dots appeared. They disappeared and came back again. After several minutes his message came through. 

KIHYUN 12:00AM: You know those art classes? Where everyone paints bad sunsets or lots of trees? I want to pretend I’m Bob Ross and paint happy little trees. Then I want to drink hot chocolate and walk around a market buying whatever I want. I want to eat delicious food and be around lots of people. I want to take an entire day and enjoy those kinds of little things. 

KIHYUN 12:01AM: It’s a bit stupid, right?

Changkyun clutched a hand over his heart, pouring over every line Kihyun wrote. He read it four separate times, committing each detail to long-term memory. 

CHANGKYUN 12:02AM: It’s not stupid at all... I think it sounds perfect. 

*!*!*

Waking up the next morning was impossibly hard. His bed was comfortable and Changkyun had stayed up way too late thinking about Kihyun. Their conversation, the text messages. Hand holding at the library. Everything. Half asleep, serious bed hair mused in all directions, he smiled like a fool into his pillow. 

It was enough motivation to pull him out of bed and get started with his day. 

He continued to daydream about Kihyun in class, far too distracted during his lectures. That and the pulsing jitters from two large coffees made it hard to focus on anything else. There was still math class and an exam prep session he needed to attend. By lunchtime he had a caffeine headache and desperately needed something to eat. 

1:15 pm chimed from the clock on the far side of the classroom, signaling the end of class. Changkyun waved politely to his nearby classmates, grabbed his bag and headed out the door. He’d been carefully checking his phone and walking at the same time, hoping not to run into anyone, literally, while he typed out a message to his dad about how his courses were going. After sending the message he popped his head up just in time to avoid clashing into a tall, older-looking student. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled quietly, jutting out to the right to avoid the group of students approaching. 

The tall one on the end lifted his head and glared and Changkyun’s blood ran cold. He knew those piercing eyes from reality and his nightmares. An all-too familiar face shot him a deadly, penetrating look. 

“Stay out of my way,” the boy grunted, nostrils flaring. 

Changkyun didn’t need to be told twice and ran forward in the opposite direction of his old-roommate. The sounds of campus and students milling about filled his ears intensely. He didn’t stop moving until he felt far enough away. Until his uneven breaths steadied from the familiar sight of the cafe before him. A beacon of familiarity and warmth. 

At the front of the cafe Changkyun pulled open the heavy black door with a trembling hand. The coziness of the interior calmed him enough, helping him breathe. At a table near the entrance he saw a smiling, kind face belonging to someone who had always made him feel at ease. 

“Hyungwon,” Changkyun breathed, rushing for his table. 

His tallest roommate pulled out the headphones in his ears and beamed as Changkyun approached. “I didn’t know I’d see you here!” He gestured to the painted black chair across from him. “Want to sit with me?”

Changkyun nodded and sat down meekly, not caring to take off his backpack or jacket. 

“Busy day? You look tired,” Hyungwon leaned in, scanning his face. 

“Mhm,” Changkyun agreed, his hands still shaking. “I have a math class soon. Plus I didn’t get enough sleep.” 

A creamy looking drink sat at the right of Hyungwon’s things. He’d been reading a script and making notes on it for class, writing impeccably neat scrawl in the margins. With the pen in his hand he pointed to the half-full mug. “Want a drink?” 

“I’ve had enough caffeine. I need some food.” 

“Go get in line, I’ll wait here,” Hyungwon promised. “Eat with me.” 

“Okay,” he agreed. 

The previous situation still disoriented Changkyun, enough so that he almost ordered the exact same thing as the person in front of him. He mumbled an apology and tried again, managing to correctly communicate he wanted soup and a grilled sandwich. Back at the table, he fumbled trying to sit down, knocking his shoe against the leg and shaking the entire structure. 

“Whoa!” Hyungwon laughed, pulling his pen off the paper. 

Changkyun’s hands pushed down the table to stabilize it. “Sorry, sorry.. I’m clumsy today.” He attempted to smile. It came out more like a grimace. 

Hyungwon closed his notebook and put his things to the side. He wrapped his hands around his drink and took a small sip, peering over the rim of the mug. Black eyelashes fluttered, eyes softening into deep, dark pools. 

“Is everything okay? You seem distracted.” 

“I.. Uh…” 

There was a gentleness to Hyungwon’s words, his demeanor. “You don’t have to talk, I just wanted to ask.” 

It was the same way Changkyun had urged Kihyun. To help gain his trust, to be there for him. Hyungwon was doing the exact same thing and he appreciated it more than he’d ever know. 

A heavy sigh passed Changkyun’s lips, the air warming his nose. His stomach clenched uncomfortably. “I just ran into my old roommate. Literally, I almost ran into him.” 

“Ouch,” Hyungwon responded. “Did he notice you?”

“Yes, unfortunately.” Changkyun rubbed the back of his head, musing the bedhead he already had going on. His neck was slick with sweat, now wetting the back of his long-sleeved shirt. 

Hyungwon’s eyes widened. He set down his cup, wondering, “Did he say anything to you? Was he going to hurt you?” 

“No, no.. nothing like that. It just spooked me,” Changkyun explained. “That’s all.” 

“Ohhhh.”

Changkyun frowned and looked down at the marks in the table. “I don’t like seeing him.” 

At that moment a friendly staff member brought a plate to their table, setting steaming soup and a crispy, cheesy sandwich in front of Changkyun. He looked up quickly, sharing genuine thanks. 

“Eat, you need to get your energy up. You have another class, right?” Hyungwon said. 

Changkyun reached for the spoon and stirred his tomato basil soup. Wafts of steam rose and the scent warmed his nose. It smelled delicious. The grilled cheese looked gloriously cheesy and grilled to perfection. He put a spoonful of soup to his mouth and slurped it. It warmed all the way down to his stomach. “Yeah, I do,” he replied, eating some more. 

“I’ll walk you over when you’re done. We can go together.” Hyungwon offered. 

Changkyun rested his spoon on his plate. “You don’t have to do that.” 

Hyungwon shook his knowingly. He explained, not breaking eye contact once, “It’s what friends do.” 

*!*!* 

At home Changkyun started a habit of sitting on the kitchen counter right next to the coffee pot while it brewed. With every roommate a coffee drinker they sometimes went through several pots a day. Rule was whoever got up first made the first round. 

Wearing red polka dot boxer shorts and a plain white t-shirt, Changkyun was sure he heard footsteps upstairs and a shower running. Beside him the coffee slowly trickled into the pot, which would take less than five minutes to fill. He closed his eyes, leaning his head against the hardwood cabinet. Two minutes went by and the scent of fresh coffee wafted through the entire kitchen. 

Just as the final dregs of coffee landed in the carafe, Changkyun heard Kihyun bang open his door with a thud, muttering under his breath, “Where are my shoes, my shoes!” 

“Kihyun?” He yelled down the hall. 

“I can’t find my shoes!” Kihyun replied back, rushing to the back of the house. 

Changkyun wrinkled his nose, wrapping his fingers around his mug. “Which ones?” 

Kihyun flew back down the hall and stopped in the kitchen, his socked feet sliding on the slick floor. He stared at Changkyun sitting on the counter, his legs freely dangling and moving on their own accord. “I have soccer practice tonight, it’s our last one. I can’t find my shoes.” 

“Wait!” Changkyun remembered. Of course he should know with how much he paid attention to Kihyun on a daily basis. His crush on Kihyun had grown exponentially after the last few days, especially with the small hope Kihyun might actually like him back one day. “Didn’t you get them muddy? You washed them and they dried off in the garage.” 

Mouth open, Kihyun’s face glowed with a big, white smile. “Yes, that’s right!” 

He ran to the back door and out the garage where Changkyun was certain he’d find them. “You’re welcome!” He shouted, taking a sip of coffee. It woke him up in an instant. In a much quieter tone he added, “What would you do without me..” 

Kihyun re-appeared, an expensive shoe in each hand, exactly as he muttered the last word. The smirk on his face was clear as day. “What was that? How would I live without you?” Kihyun repeated back slyly. 

Changkyun’s blush matched the red polka dots on his underwear. He slowly turned away and rubbed at his ear trying to hide the reddening skin at the top. 

Entering the kitchen, Kihyun closed in on Changkyun and stood between his legs. He was fully dressed in grey fitted pants and a spotless blue sweater. It looked expensive and certainly designer. His shoes were brand name and his hair was neatly styled, only a few stray hairs out of place from his shoe expedition. He looked tired, like usual, but gorgeous.

Changkyun had a hard time looking away, taking in every precious detail about Kihyun he could manage from neck down. He switched hands, nervously holding his right ear and rubbing it out of habit. “Um..” 

Kihyun lifted a hand, grabbing Changkyun’s smaller one and pulling it down. “Changkyun-ah, I’m just kidding with you,” he reassured, still holding their hands together on the counter. 

It was the second time they held hands and not just for a split second. This was_ holding hands _, Changkyun reminded himself. He loved how Kihyun’s hands felt soft and warm and his touch never failed to cause goosebumps all over his skin. His heart palpitations, rosy red blush, and stupid smile were enough embarrassment for one morning. 

“Aren’t you running late?” Changkyun asked, lightly squeezing his fingers. 

“Shit, you’re right.” Kihyun nodded, shaking out of a daze. “Can you pour me a cup of that? Thermos, please.” 

Kihyun whirled in several directions to grab his backpack, soccer cleats, and another tote bag from somewhere inside his room. He returned to Changkyun in under a minute, hand out to grab the steaming hot coffee. 

“Thanks,” He held up the thermos to cheers. “I’ll be home late, okay?” 

“See you later,” Changkyun hoped. 

*!*!*

Changkyun worked another shift in the library Wednesday afternoon. It was hectic, just as it was on Monday. Most of his time was spent running around putting out different fires. Half-way through his shift his shoelaces untied causing him to trip and bang his hip into the hard circulation desk. After that he found a sobbing first year, crying because she accidentally erased an essay from her computer files. With some strategic clicks and a bit of luck, he helped her calm down and restore an earlier version that was almost all but complete. She thanked him endlessly and even brought him a cookie from the vending machine in thanks. 

He ate that on his way out of the library, his stomach growling from hunger. The sun set before him, glazing the campus skyline in oranges and yellows and browns. He was admiring the view when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

“Shownu?” he answered on the third ring. 

“Changkyun-ah! Are you still on campus?” 

Changkyun neared the south campus buildings. “Yeah, what’s up?”

“Can you pick up some mac and cheese on your way home?” 

“For dinner?” 

Shownu chuckled. “Just a snack.” 

He knew better than to question anything when it came to Shownu and his food choices. “Sure, I’ll stop at the mart on the way.” A belated thought crossed his mind. “Shownu?”

“Yeah?”

“Where are the soccer fields?” 

*!*!*

Changkyun’s jaw dropped from where he stood more than fifty feet away. He found the well-kept soccer fields with Shownu’s help, cutting him off when he asked one too many questions about why he wanted to know. He stuffed his phone in his back pocket, struggling in the skin-tight black jeans. A hazy darkness had set in from the late hour, helping him hide without much effort. 

It was easy to spot Kihyun, but maybe it was because he’d observed him every chance he could, identifying him from the long line of his legs, the slim but sturdy sculpted chest and trim stomach. Kihyun ran faster and harder than anyone on the team. Under the bright lights adjacent to the field, Changkyun saw sweat pour from his temples, the back of his hair. The brown strands bounced as he flew, running down the field to tackle and steal the ball. 

Kihyun once explained how he played midfield or striker depending on who else was in the game. Changkyun had cataloged everything Kihyun had ever divulged into his mental filing cabinet: _ All about Kihyun, _ especially the small details. He wanted it to be full of books and volumes and Kihyun’s darkest secrets, his hard-fought hopes and dreams. Everything. 

Grass crunched beneath his feet and Changkyun approached the metal bleachers, hiding behind them for secrecy. He peeked through the metal structure, watching Kihyun run drills and practice with his teammates. Changkyun admired the way he moved with swiftness and kicked the ball with conviction between the goal posts. At one point Kihyun fell and slid on the dirty field, only to rally and run back into action. He had never seen Kihyun look so wild and carefree. 

Changkyun could have watched him all night but his phone buzzed in his pocket and somehow he knew it was a certain someone desperately craving mac and cheese. He turned and made his way home, thinking the entire time about all the versions of Kihyun he had seen, wondering if this was the best one yet. Kihyun’s brilliant, untroubled smile was worth the detour home. 

*!*!*

“Changkyunnie! Changkyunnie!” Minhyuk screamed through the phone. The speaker rasped from the sound. 

Jooheon held the iPhone upright as he lounged across his bed, surrounded by Hoseok and Hyungwon. Changkyun stood to the left, waving. Minhyuk’s calls had become more frequent in the last week, turning into daily occurrences. This was his fourth or fifth call just this week. 

“Hi!” 

“How’s my favorite new roommate?” He asked Changkyun brightly. 

Minhyuk’s background was cluttered with art and framed pieces in a collage-style placement. The wallpaper, a delicate balance of dark red and gold fleur-de-lis, looked old and very Parisian, indicative of his apartment in France. 

Changkyun kneeled on Jooheon’s carpeted floor and leaned over the edge of the bed, trying to get in the frame. “I just had an exam in math. I’m glad it’s over,” he complained, pouting. He laid his head across his arm and covered a yawn. 

“You poor baby,” Minhyuk crooned. His eyes connected with Hyungwon and Jooheon. “You idiots, are you taking care of him?” 

“Of course!” Hoseok squealed. His hand ruffled the top of Changkyun’s shiny hair. “We all are.”

“I wish I was there too.” Minhyuk grumbled, a sadness seeping through the pixels. “I want to come home. I miss you.” 

“Come home!” Hyungwon shouted, clapping his hands. 

Minhyuk smiled at his oldest friend. “I have to talk to my mom.” 

“Do it, do it!” Jooheon chanted. “Your courses can be finished early. Come home!” 

Changkyun loved the idea of finally meeting Minhyuk who always seemed to be happy and in a positive mood. But if he truly came back then what would happen to him? Did that mean he would get kicked out, or have to find another place to live? They really hadn’t talked about that. 

Changkyun’s hope sunk in his chest, heavy like lead. He coughed once, rubbing the sweatshirt over his chest. “I have to go work on some homework, see you!” He told Minhyuk and waved to the others. His feet fumbled down the steps, narrowly causing him to fall. He landed on the last step and saw Kihyun come home, his phone pressed to an ear. He opened his mouth to greet him, immediately stopping from the heavy look on Kihyun’s face. 

“My father,” he mouthed to Changkyun, disappearing to his sterile, white room. The door closed with the quietest of clicks. 

For the first time in a while Changkyun was having a crappy, no good, kind of day. 

The worry and anxiousness overriding his thoughts made him believe he might not be the only one. 

*!*!*

Later that evening Changkyun emerged from his room in much better spirits after a call with his mom and making decent headway on a history assignment. He found everyone in the living room, cuddled on the couch watching some new survival show. 

“What is this?” He asked, curling a lock of hair behind his ear. 

“_Naked and Afraid_,” Shownu said. 

His eyes never left the screen, nor did the other sets of eyes that watched. Changkyun rounded the couch and sat at the top of the “U” shape, head tilted up to watch. The contestants ate “food” from remote areas. It seemed like bugs or frogs were all they could find. Jooheon talked the entire episode, adding his own strategies to survive in the wild. Hyungwon dozed off, his head bobbing every few moments. He had the skill to sleep through nearly everything, a talent Changkyun himself didn’t possess. 

A lingering worry distracted Changkyun, enough that he turned his head anytime a noise sounded through the house. He kept checking his phone and would accept a smoke signal at this point. The urge to barge in Kihyun’s room and check on him grew with every passing minute. 

Changkyun didn’t have to wait for long, for his wish to see Kihyun was granted twenty minutes into the second episode of _ Naked and Afraid _. Wearing worn black shorts and a familiar oversized hoodie, Kihyun silently found an open spot on the couch and collapsed into a ball, curling his legs against his chest. 

“Kihyun?” Hoseok said, his eyebrows knit together in concern. 

Shownu turned down the volume on the TV. Kihyun didn’t respond, couldn’t acknowledge them from the cocoon of fabric surrounding him. 

Changkyun took a chance, swallowing audibly. “What did your dad say?”

Kihyun sniffled and adjusted the hood over his head, showing the pale skin of his cheeks, the wrinkles around his eyes. Long black sleeves covered his wrists, over his hand. He looked so small. They could now see the red rimming his eyes, so many emotions pent up from what seemed to be a difficult conversation. 

“He wanted to check in about my grades. A professor told him I got a B,” His voice was rough like broken glass. 

It was the most honest Kihyun had been in a long time. His secrets, slowly coming to light. 

“What the hell?” Jooheon exclaimed, his fist pounding the couch. 

“I’m not living up to his expectations or something.” 

Kihyun laughed, the sound utterly empty. Then his arm covered his eyes, his chest laboring to breathe. He couldn’t hold it in any longer, he couldn’t pretend to be strong for another minute. Soft, broken cries were muffled by his hands. He hiccuped, struggling to catch his breath. “I’m trying my best,” Kihyun sniffed, his voice low. 

Changkyun watched like the weight of the world crushed him. 

Jooheon comforted him first, rubbing his arms reassuringly. He wiped his fingers under his nose and wiped away the snot. The usually happy roommate looked to be holding back his own tears and said, “It’s okay, Kihyun-ah. It’s okay.” 

Hoseok moved from his spot to sit at Kihyun’s feet. He pulled his hands and helped him sit up. Kihyun wouldn’t look anyone in the eye with tears streaming down his face. He rubbed at them roughly with his sleeve, not caring how he looked. Hoseok leaned over his legs, resting his head atop his knees. Touch was always an easier way to express what he wanted to say.

“You work harder than all of us combined,” Shownu insisted, gazing at Kihyun.

Hyungwon lazily turned to the side. “Maybe he didn’t mean it that way..” 

“It’s not.. It’s not easy.” Kihyun panted. He picked at the skin around his nails and rubbed the calluses on his hands. Hoseok noticed and caught both hands between his own, holding them tightly. “I don’t know if I can keep doing this.” 

Shownu came around to the back of the couch and stood behind Kihyun. He placed two large hands on his back, rubbing to soothe the knots at the nape of his neck. “Breathe..” he said. 

Hoseok never stopped reassuring Kihyun once. “You’ll get through this. I promise,” his words carried a sincerity that you could believe in. “You have us.”

“You’re the strongest person I know,” Changkyun promised, eyes wet with tears. 

He vowed from that day on to remind Kihyun of that every chance he could. 

*!*!* 

Once their long, heartfelt talk was ruined by several naked bodies on TV they all laughed till tears streamed down their faces. It was the cathartic release they needed to burst the bubble of tension and sadness surrounding them. 

Kihyun looked marginally lighter, encircled by people who would take care of him. He waited until the commercial break to remind them about his last soccer game on Saturday, just two days away. This subject was far more comfortable to talk about. “Don’t forget,” he chided, looking at each of them directly. 

“Don’t get embarrassed when we’re all there and screaming your name,” Jooheon stood up and grabbed a warm blanket from their stash. He draped the material around his shoulders like a cape. 

Kihyun genuinely smiled. “How could I disappoint my adoring fans?” 

Hyungwon pushed his shoulder gently. “Don’t let it get to your head, kiddo.” 

“I need some sleep,” Hoseok stated, standing up and adjusting his sweatpants. “Go to bed, you monsters.” 

“I’m tired too,” Kihyun yawned, stretching his head side to side, then back. 

Changkyun and Kihyun walked to their rooms on the first floor while the rest ran up the stairs like it was a contest. Shownu grumbled, likely coming in last. 

Outside their doors Kihyun paused and looked at Changkyun in earnest. “Could―would you help me with something?” 

_ Anything. _

“Sure,” Changkyun shrugged his narrow shoulders. 

“Come here,” Kihyun waved him into the room, very clean and white, and handed him a tube of gel. “I need help putting this on my back. I.. I can’t reach it well.” 

Changkyun gripped his fingers around the tube and felt his jaw go slack when Kihyun pulled his sweatshirt off, his t-shirt along with it. His creamy, white skin was gorgeously pale and on his low back was a massive bruise that curled all the way around to his hip. It was an array of colors that Changkyun had never seen before. 

“What.. how? This looks awful, Kihyun.” He could barely form the words. Changkyun’s feet drew him closer to where Kihyun stood, fingers reaching out of their own accord. He gently touched the bruise across his marred skin. “Does it hurt a lot?” 

Kihyun stood still, only turning his head towards Changkyun. “A bit, yeah.” 

“Lay down,” Changkyun suggested, biting hard on his lower lip. “It may be easier if you’re comfortable.” 

“Alright,” Kihyun did as he was told. He laid in the center of his bed, hands clasped together under his head. He turned to the side, away from his down pillow. “It’s really not as bad as it looks.” 

The arnica gel was smooth and cool. Changkyun spread it over the entirety of Kihyun’s bruise. He made sure to be careful about the pressure of his fingertips, the amount he pushed against his skin. “Did this happen at soccer practice?” Changkyun wondered. 

Kihyun hummed, “Mhm.” 

Changkyun gently rubbed the gel on his side, covering the entire area of black, blue, and reddish tones. He slathered the gel on liberally but not so much that it wouldn’t sink in. 

“Done,” he announced, rubbing excess gel on his own pants. He could care less about the mess when Kihyun was truly hurting. 

Kihyun propped up his upper body with his arms and groaned, falling back into the pillow face first. He reached for the top of his shoulder, rubbing it roughly. “Thanks,” he grunted. 

Changkyun assessed how his back, shoulders, and neck moved stiffly. He rounded to the other side of Kihyun’s bed and sat down at the top. His hands immediately caressed various parts of his body, feeling for the muscles beneath. “You’re all in knots, aren’t you?” 

“I think I practiced too hard,” Kihyun muttered against the white cotton. 

“You really want to win that badly, huh?” Changkyun assumed. 

Kihyun turned his head to face Changkyun. Their eyes connected like there was a wire between them. A wild spark of fire erupted from their gaze. “I feel like I have to.” 

Changkyun nodded, letting him know he understood. He quickly thought of what his mom would do in this situation, how she would take care of him and support him. She never judged him once. “Should I get you some medicine.. for the pain? What can I do for you?” 

Trying again, Kihyun slowly sat up and leaned his weight against his arms. “Two advil?” He thought out loud. 

“I’ll be right back.” 

In the bathroom Changkyun found the supply of medicine and rushed to the kitchen for a glass of water. He returned to find Kihyun holding a t-shirt, looking down at it curiously. 

“Take these first,” Changkyun thrust his palm out, two green gel pills set atop it. 

Kihyun gulped the water with the medicine then downed the rest of it in seconds, droplets falling down his chin. 

“You’re such a mess,” Changkyun swooned, his thumb reaching to wipe away the falling drops. 

Kihyun smiled shyly, shrugging. “Thanks for helping me.” 

Changkyun used this moment to share with Kihyun something that another person had taught him not that long ago. His eyes sparkled happily. “That’s what friends do.” 

*!*!*

The alarm on his phone went off at 7:30 AM and Changkyun shot straight up, his fingers swiping at the offending sound. It was Saturday morning and instead of going back to sleep he jumped out of bed and opened his black-out curtains. The sun was shining through a thin veil of clouds that didn’t seem like they would linger for too long. The air looked crisp and perfectly warm for a fall day. 

It was the morning of Kihyun’s soccer game and Changkyun couldn’t think of a better reason to be up this ungodly early on a weekend. 

He shot out of his room wearing an oversized t-shirt that covered his thighs and striped green boxers. This amount of skin showing was nothing compared to the nudity he had gotten used to from his older roommates who pretended like they didn’t have closets full of clothes. Kihyun’s door was slightly ajar and Changkyun pushed it open to reveal a freshly made bed and no one in sight. 

Kihyun must’ve left to practice more before the match, he thought. 

Changkyun padded into the main living space and heard little from the floors above. 

“Wake up! We have to go in an hour!” he shouted at the top of his lungs, carrying his voice all the way up two flights of stairs. “Wake up!” 

The only indication that someone heard him was a loud thud from the floor above and the soft grumbling of Jooheon, his bed head sticking up in every direction. 

“Too early, way too early,” he shouted and slammed the bathroom door at the top of the stairs. 

“I’ll make the coffee!” Changkyun cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted again. “So wake up!” 

Just as he imagined, Changkyun was the fastest to shower, get ready, and eat breakfast before they left the house. Jooheon and Hyungwon dragged on the longest, getting ready half-asleep. Hoseok and Shownu were marginally better, even excited to see Kihyun at the game. 

“I really hope they win,” Hoseok pulled a mug from the cabinet, turning towards the coffee pot. 

“Me too,” Changkyun agreed. He sat at the dining room table with a heaping plate of toast. He even took the time to cut up orange slices and pieces of banana for everyone. He waved Hoseok over. “Come eat something.” 

Shownu was already on his second piece of buttered toast, a piece of orange waiting in his hand. He had yet to utter a word to anyone, solely focusing on eating breakfast. 

Hoseok sat down next to him, palms resting on the table. He looked at Changkyun curiously. “What’s with the boiling water on the stove? It’s too early for ramen.” 

“Oh shit!” Changkyun hopped up, almost knocking his chair backwards. “I almost forgot.” 

He pulled out hot chocolate and whipped cream from the fridge. Using a measuring spoon he added the powdered mix to the boiling water and stirred until it turned into the right chocolate consistency. The cream was for sweetness. He put another dollop on top for extra measure. 

“You’re too much,” Hoseok looked over his shoulder, munching on toast. Crumbs covered his top and landed all over the table. 

“Kihyun will appreciate it,” Shownu elbowed Hoseok in the side. “It’s a good thought, Changkyun-ah.” 

Changkyun blushed and pointedly ignored them, turning off the stove. It was complete. 

“We have to leave soon,” Shownu said, swallowing a big bite of banana. “I can drive us.” 

“Go rush the slowpokes,” Changkyun suggested. 

Hoseok stood up, ready for that responsibility. He took the stairs two at a time, flexing his speed and agility. “Let’s go, you slugs! We are late.” His fist banged on the wall outside his room. “The train is leaving in five minutes!” 

*!*!*

In the back of the car Changkyun tapped his foot and stared out the window, worried they would be late. He ignored the jeering roommates at his side bickering with an equally loud one sitting in the front. Fortunately for his nerves, Shownu drove fast and found a miraculously good parking spot near the front of the field. 

They walked together in a line, the five of them looking like a weird sort of boyband. Their outfits appeared coordinated since they all wore skinny jeans and sweatshirts in black or dark green, their universities main color. Shownu wore his usual baseball cap and Jooheon covered his head with a black beanie. 

Changkyun was in the middle of the group and walked into the match alongside his friends. It was truly a surreal, pinch me kind of moment. He had friends, real friends who he didn’t have to hide from. 

Hoseok surveyed the field of players, yelling many of their names and waving. He grinned at everyone on the team. The atmosphere turned loud and chaotic very abruptly as they arrived. People stared, looking at each of them and smiling with familiarity and understanding. 

_ Were all his roommates that popular? _

Changkyun tuned everyone out and admitted aloud, “I don’t know much about soccer.” 

Hoseok stopped and clapped a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll help you learn.” 

Kihyun’s team and the opposing team had begun warming up on the field, running quick drills. 

Changkyun found Kihyun right away, wearing the number seven jersey on his blue uniform. He smiled and waved with both hands when Kihyun turned and spotted everyone. His perfect white teeth were visible across the field, a sign of true joy over the fact they came. 

They found seats on the benches and many other spectators joined to watch the last game of the soccer season. By the time the first whistle blew, the entire set of bleachers were full of people watching the teams play. The energy and excitement was palpable and contagious. 

Hoseok intentionally sat next to Changkyun, explaining little bits and pieces about the rules. 

Changkyun focused all his attention on Kihyun the moment he was announced over the loudspeaker as captain and part of the starting line-up. He high-fived all of his teammates, smiling the entire time. 

Minutes later the first whistle blew. 

Hoseok calmly explained different things that gave a better understanding of what was happening on the field. The announcer’s voice boomed through the speakers, detailing the action in a much more aggressive, fast pace. 

Changkyun leaned into Hoseok’s ear. ”You know a lot about soccer, why don’t you play?”

“I used to!” Hoseok declared. His cheeks were slightly pink from the cold. “That’s how I met Kihyunnie back in freshman year. He tried out for the club team and I was already playing. But last year I injured my knee and decided to sit this year out.” 

“Oh.” Changkyun put the pieces together. They had known each other from the start. “That’s really cool you met that way.”

“Kihyun is my best friend,” Hoseok shrugged. 

They turned their attention to the game where so much action happened all at once. It was a bit hard for Changkyun to keep up, except for when Kihyun ran down the field. He expertly dribbled the ball and passed it to a teammate whose powerful kick made it sink right into the open left side of the net. 

“GOAL!” Jooheon yelled, jumping to his feet. 

Changkyun’s smile was ear to ear when he watched Kihyun hug his teammates, their first goal of the match. Everyone clapped and roared, congratulating them. Positive energy radiated between everyone supporting Kihyun’s team. He prayed they would continue to do well. 

They played on, both teams quite equally matched. But Kihyun’s team was just slightly better. 

It was in the second half of the game that Changkyun saw just how good Kihyun really was. His conditioning was better than most of the players on the field. He was faster, more precise. And it paid off when he stole the ball and rushed down the field, the wind pushing at his heels.

“Go, go, go!” Shownu roared at the top of his lungs. “GO!”

Hoseok and the others stood up, watching Kihyun as he took his chance. He spared one second and looked left, then right for nearby defenders. Then the moment came and everyone quieted, holding their breath. Kihyun feigned left then kicked high and to the right. In one powerful move the ball soared above the goal keeper and into the net. 

Changkyun clapped and screamed, “KIHYUN! KIHYUN!” 

Everyone cheered him on until their voices were hoarse and the adrenaline wore off. People all around shared high fives and celebrated the goal, the score now 2 to 1. 

Kihyun ran towards the sidelines and searched the bleachers for where they sat. Changkyun grinned, shouting “Kihyun-ah!” He smiled back, waving at all of them in the stands. His eyes continued to look as if he was hoping to find someone else there. Eventually he gave up, small creases forming at the corners of his mouth. They only lasted a few seconds before he masked those emotions and jogged back to his team, regrouping for the remainder of the game. 

Even though Kihyun had scored and his team was winning, he still wasn’t done. The entire team worked harder, blocking passes and defending their goal. They pressed their opponents when they possessed the ball, looking for open shots. Kihyun’s teammate tackled a player, helping to steal the ball for their offense. Players dribbled and passed the ball down the field, hoping for another chance. Four minutes to the end of the match they created the right timing, a perfect pass, and Kihyun’s powerful kick, this time from much further away. 

The ball swooshed in the net and Kihyun had scored. _ Again. _

An eruption of energy and happiness took over on the bleachers and throughout the winning team. They pat Kihyun on the back, celebrating their worthy captain. Instead of looking smug, Kihyun became more shy, the attention finally catching up to him. 

Each player finished gracefully, letting the final minutes play out. The other team was desperate to find redemption but the timeclock ran down and the score remained the same. 

Kihyun’s team won. Kihyun scored not just once, but twice. 

“Damn, that was awesome,” Hyungwon clapped, his hands covered with thick mittens. 

The teams were shaking hands, ending the game with good sportsmanship. 

The players returned to the sidelines, grabbing bottles of water and towels to mop up their sweat. It stuck to their skin from the heat produced by their own bodies and the faint chill in the air. Kihyun eventually found them near the entrance of the field, a towel around his neck and empty water bottle in hand. 

“Good job, Kihyun-ah,” Hyungwon cheered. 

Hoseok grinned, coming forward to hug him. “You’re such a showoff.”

“I wanted to show you a good game,” Kihyun smiled, patting Hoseok on the back. 

They pulled apart and Kihyun looked at each one of them for a second. “Thanks for coming.” 

Shownu spoke for all of them when he said, “We wouldn’t miss it. Not this one.” 

“There’s no one else we’d wake up this early for,” Jooheon teased, bumping his shoulder and staying glued to his side. “You were a beast out there.” 

Kihyun laughed, suddenly shy. “Yeah, something like that..” He looked around at the crowd of people near them, then back at the now empty bleachers. “Did my parents come?” 

There was a moment of silence for none of them had seen Kihyun’s parents at all. 

“I invited them to come,” he explained and twisted the top off his water bottle, the cap falling on the grass. 

Hyungwon spoke carefully, his tone soft. “We didn’t see them, Kihyun-ah.” 

Changkyun saw the corners of his lips fall and noticed how hard he held back the sadness that he felt. 

“It’s not a big deal, I just thought they’d show,” Kihyun smiled but it looked all wrong. 

“All you need is us,” Hoseok put his arms around Changkyun and Shownu on either side. “We were your cheering squad!”

“We were really loud!” Changkyun added, leaning forward to pick up the top of his water bottle. He held the large thermos of hot chocolate in his other hand, wondering the best time to offer it. Another thought blurted out instead. “You played so well. Are you tired?” 

Kihyun sighed. “I could use a nap, maybe.” 

“You want a ride back with us?” Shownu offered politely. 

He looked around at his teammates dispersing with their family and friends. “Sure, just give me a few minutes to pack up and say bye.” 

Hyungwon nodded. “We’ll meet you at the car.” 

Kihyun turned on his heel and ran to where several teammates were packing up their belongings and talking about the match.

Hoseok and the others turned for the parking lot but Changkyun rooted to the ground. 

“I’ll see if Kihyun needs help,” he explained, rushing off before they would inevitably tease him. 

Changkyun followed Kihyun and came up behind him silently, his heart surging. He stood a few away, careful of the other teammates milling about. 

“Do you want me to carry anything?” Changkyun offered, craning his neck to look at all the various bags and items spilled over their bench. 

Kihyun looked him up and down. He spotted the thermos. “Aren’t your hands full?”

Small hands thrust it forward, holding it out like a gift. “This is for you, it’s hot cocoa.” 

“That’s my favorite,” Kihyun’s eyes gleamed, a tender expression on his face. 

Changkyun instantly felt warmth spread everywhere in this body. “Would you like some?” 

“Please,” Kihyun breathed. Behind him the sky cleared to a cloudless, cheerful blue. The sun was high and beaming, casting down rays that caused his skin to glow. 

“Only if we trade,” Changkyun suddenly had a stupidly brave, could totally backfire kind of idea. 

“Trade?” 

“This,” Changkyun held up the heavy thermos with one hand, then boldly added, “for a hug.” 

“A hug?” Kihyun repeated slowly. 

“Can―Can I hug you?” Changkyun turned his head, suddenly embarrassed. He slid two steps back in the dewy grass. All the players near them had left and taken their belongings with them. The field quieted as people cleared out. “Nevermind, I’m an idiot... ignore me.” 

Kihyun nervously laughed but his eyes were mesmerized by Changkyun’s face. “A hug?” 

Changkyun refused to look at Kihyun, instead staring at the clumps of mud in the grass. An uncomfortable silence dragged on for ten, then twenty seconds. The hairs on his arms rose and the thoughts in his mind had centered on escaping. He murmured quietly, picking at his chipped nails. “The cocoa is yours. I’ll see you in the car.” 

His entire body turned, only to be pulled back by a strong, stable hand gripping his wrist. 

“Wait,” Kihyun rushed out, pulling Changkyun hard enough to mold into his body. Arms wrapped around Changkyun’s shoulders, holding him tight. Sweat from Kihyun’s uniform wiped against Changkyun’s clothes and neither of them cared. Their heights made it perfect to align their bodies, standing heart to heart. Cheek to cheek, Kihyun breathed deeply and Changkyun felt it down to his core. Gentle lips at his ear, Kihyun softly said, “I’m really glad you came.” 

Changkyun didn’t waste another second before snaking his arms around Kihyun’s waist, holding him like he had always dreamed of. It was what he’d wanted to do after Kihyun scored the first goal. Then the second. It was something he had imagined doing since that first day in the library and every day since. When they hugged in the laundry room there was too much sadness, too much worry. 

This was infinitely better. 

Standing in Kihyun’s embrace, Changkyun turned off all thoughts and let himself lose his mind. His head turned, nuzzling against Kihyun’s neck. Warm breaths escaped his mouth and heated the tender skin. There was so much he wanted to say, so many emotions built up inside. So he found the simplest of words and hoped Kihyun would understand. “I’m really glad I met you.” 

*!*!*

The rest of the weekend consisted of naps, video games, and goofing around. Everyone played basketball out in the driveway and Changkyun found out exactly how competitive Shownu and Hoseok were. Hoseok and Jooheon arm wrestled, and Hyungwon joined them in a game of FIFA after his afternoon rehearsal. 

“I want noodles,” Hoseok announced, pausing the game. He licked his lips and rubbed his stomach, discarding the game controller on the couch. 

“Thai? Chinese?”

“Thai food!” Shownu decided, eyes wide with excitement. “I’ll order.” 

Changkyun took this break as an opportunity to leave. As much as he liked his roommates, he didn’t care much for sports or video games. “I need to study, enough games for me.” It was Sunday night and he hadn’t even opened up his backpack since Friday. 

“_Bo-ring,"_ Jooheon tsked and pointed to the dining room table. “Study by us.” 

“I’ll be right back,” he nodded twice, knowing it was a compromise. With headphones in he could ignore them enough to get a little work done. 

They rapidly transitioned into different activities, Hyungwon joining Changkyun and Hoseok at the table to study. Hoseok highlighted different sections in his textbook and reviewed vascular system components for an upcoming exam. Jooheon wandered off, likely to show up again when the food arrived. Shownu lingered in the kitchen snacking on different things in the fridge from pickles to sliced cheese. 

The doorbell eventually rang and within minutes steaming hot noodles, meat, and other dishes spread across their table, all of their school materials pushed to the side. Shownu handed everyone chopsticks and napkins. Changkyun got up and filled a pitcher full of water. 

“This is so fucking good,” Hoseok groaned, opening and closing his mouth to release the steam. 

Changkyun returned and set the pitcher and cups down with a clang. He dipped his chopsticks in the stir fried noodles and tried it, too. “This restaurant is really nice,” he agreed after swallowing. 

“Try the shrimp curry,” Shownu garbled, his mouth full of food. 

Jooheon ate quietly, immersed in something on his phone. 

Hyungwon looked at the food in front of him longingly. “I’m too tired to move but I want to eat.” 

Changkyun reached for Hyungwon’s plate. “Let me help you.” 

He gathered the various dishes and fed Hyungwon in little bites, putting the chopsticks to his mouth. They did this for several minutes while everyone watched. 

“Good?” Changkyun wondered. 

Hyungwon nodded eagerly. “Thank you. Rehearsal was exhausting. Why did I do this to myself?”

Hoseok leaned over the table and filled Hyungwon’s glass with water. “Because you want to be an actor.” 

“Oh. Right.” Hyungwon took a large gulp and turned to Changkyun, his eyes light. “Please?” 

Changkyun twirled more noodles onto his chopsticks and brought it to his mouth. After several more bites, Hyungwon stopped and leaned onto his shoulder. 

“You’re the best.” 

“Don’t get used to it.” 

Shownu, Hoseok, and Changkyun went in for seconds, then thirds, and the food was almost gone before Changkyun realized. “Shouldn’t we save some for Kihyun?”

Jooheon lounged against the back of his chair and rubbed circles over his full stomach. “You snooze, you lose!” 

“He’s on a date.” Shownu said, covering his mouth full of food. 

The glass of water in Changkyun’s hands slipped, his fingers straining to hold on. His eyes lingered on Shownu, trying to shake off what he just said. “_ What?_” 

“He went to pick her up and everything,” Hoseok stood up from the table and cleared his plate. 

Color drained from Changkyun’s face. 

From the kitchen Hoseok rinsed off his dish with the handheld sprayer and loaded it in the dishwasher, per house rules. He turned to Shownu and added, “She’s a family friend, right?”

“Ahh..” 

Changkyun pretended he didn’t care and happily let the conversation move onto plans for Jooheon’s birthday. If his roommates noticed he was preoccupied they didn’t say a word. All he could focus on was Shownu’s words. 

_ He’s on a date. _

A small crack cleaved through Changkyun’s heart. And it hurt, it really, really hurt. 

*!*!*

If Kihyun was actually out on a date he had every right to be. 

But it didn’t mean that Changkyun had to like it. 

Did Kihyun have a curfew? Changkyun hoped he was responsible, as his phone read almost 10 pm. Sunday counted as a school night, surely. He had to be coming home soon. 

Changkyun had been waiting for him to return home since dinner ended, crawling back to his room to sulk. As much as he needed to do homework he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He laid in bed for hours sprawled out on his back, letting sadness and loneliness take over. After his tears dried and wild thoughts became more rational, he slowly came out of his slump. He distracted himself playing games on his phone or looking through slim cracks in his blinds for signs that Kihyun was coming home. 

Only fifteen minutes later he sensed movement on the other side of the wall and distinctly heard Kihyun moving about his room. A bag thudded against the floor. Changkyun shot up, listening carefully. He thought about putting his ear against the wall but didn’t want to be _ that _ desperate. 

Kihyun was home and Changkyun needed to relax, to stop thinking about the fact that he may very well date someone else. 

Changkyun needed fresh air, a warm bath, or something to take his mind off of it all. 

Moping over to the bathroom, Changkyun pulled out a fluffy headband and tied back his hair. Turning the faucet to lukewarm, he scrubbed cleanser in gentle circles on his cheeks, his chin, his forehead, thoroughly cleaning his skin. A small, clean towel dried off any excess water. He stared at his completion in the mirror. His new contacts had made seeing from this distance so much clearer, even though he was still adjusting to the feeling. 

“Someone will love me, right?” He asked himself, a hand pressed to his cheek. His lips turned down with doubt. 

Sighing, Changkyun reached for a small pouch his mom had sent him in a care package last week, a mask enclosed inside. He spread the mask evenly across various parts of his face, careful to avoid his eyes and lips. Stray hairs stayed out of the way with help from the headband. He leaned forward, adding a bit more product to the sides of his jaw when Kihyun appeared in the doorway of the bathroom, stopping in his tracks. 

“What are you―” Kihyun quirked his eyebrows, not entirely sure what he was looking at. 

Changkyun huffed, reaching up to adjust the headband around his hairline. He couldn’t look at Kihyun for more than a few seconds. “It’s skincare. My skin got too dry from the game yesterday.” 

“Oh,” Kihyun pursed his lips. “Will that help make it better?” 

“Well, I'll moisturize too,” Changkyun added, a sharpness in his voice. 

Kihyun grabbed the mint mask off the counter and read the ingredients on the back. “Should I try it?” 

Changkyun barked out an empty laugh. He couldn’t picture Kihyun with a face mask. 

“What’s so funny?” Kihyun came forward, scowling. He got up in Changkyun’s face and thrust his cheek in his line of sight. “Look at my skin, it’s drier than yours.” 

“Okay, okay,” Changkyun gently pushed him back. Kihyun’s cologne melted his defenses, crumbled the walls he rapidly put up. He looked and smelled so damn good. “You can try it. Wash your face first. Then apply it.” 

Kihyun did something Changkyun had never seen before. He pulled his hair back and pouted. “Help me?” 

_ Dammit all to hell. _ He couldn’t say no to that. 

“Change your clothes, you can’t get this on your dress shirt.” 

“Okay, gimmie a sec,” Kihyun ran out of the room, unbuttoning his shirt along the way. 

For his date he seemed to wear his usual black slacks, white shirt, and some sort of light sweater over top. It wasn’t all that different to how he dressed for seminars or special events. Changkyun sighed, realizing he hadn’t gone all out for his date. That was a small relief. He leaned over on the bathroom counter, both hands holding himself up while he breathed. 

Kihyun returned in flannel bottoms and a vintage band t-shirt. Every inch of him looked soft and warm. 

“Wash your face first.” Changkyun refused to meet his eyes. 

He followed, leaning forward into the sink. Changkyun slid the cleanser close so he could reach. Foam and suds cleaned his skin and rinsed down the drain. 

“How was your date?” Changkyun ground out, the question weighing on his tired mind. 

Kihyun’s head whirled, water splashing and dripping on his shirt. “Date? It wasn’t a date.” He tilted his head, grabbing the nearest towel. “My dad wanted me to meet a student interning in his department. She’s in medical school. She’s my senior.” 

“Oh.” Changkyun’s mouth fell open. A wave of relief swept through him, softening his pose. “I didn’t know it was like that.”

“It wasn’t a date.” 

Changkyun opened the cap of the mask. Speaking more softly this time, “Pull your hair back.” 

Kihyun did and Changkyun moved to stand at his front, inches away from his face. He carefully rubbed the mask onto his skin, mirroring exactly how he did it for himself. It felt good to be this close and know the truth about the date. That it wasn’t a date at all. 

“He knows better than to set me up. I told him I’m―I’m not interested in that,” Kihyun stuttered. 

Changkyun looked down at the green mask covering his fingertips. “You’re not interested in dating..” He paused, the last word caught in his throat. He glanced up through dark lashes. “Anyone?” 

Kihyun looked at Changkyun for a very long time without saying a single word. The space between them felt impossibly small and wide like a chasm. It was hard to describe what feelings passed between them in that moment. But the truth was coming. 

A sigh exhaled from deep inside. “I don’t think I’d be very good at it.” Kihyun looked small again, vulnerable. “I―I haven’t done that before.” 

Changkyun leaned in, watching Kihyun’s lashes flutter shut. “Been in a relationship?” 

Kihyun couldn’t look at him again. He felt deep shame for his lack of experience, his lack of anything when it came to romance. While his friends had gone on dates and experienced love he was too busy trying to please his parents. To live up to impossible expectations. 

“You never know.” Changkyun muttered under his breath, stepping away. He could tell Kihyun needed space, but needed to explain one more important thing. “You could always try it.” 

Brown eyes gazed at Changkyun like they were seeing him for the very first time. Kihyun bit his lower lip, his voice steady. “I could.” 

*!*!*

“What are you studying for?” Changkyun asked, standing at the foot of Kihyun’s bed. 

All bits of mint mask were washed down the drain and they faced each other with clean, shiny skin. 

Kihyun began organizing all his textbooks, notebooks and study materials. Highlighters and pens sat in a pouch near his legs, dangling on off the edge of the bed. 

“Everything,” Kihyun frowned and rested a hand on his notebook. “I have three midterms and an essay to write.” 

Changkyun’s jaw dropped. “For just this week?” 

“Mhm.”

“Damn, that’s a lot. I should leave you alone.” Changkyun didn’t want to leave but he understood how much work Kihyun had to do. He rubbed over his stomach, wrinkling the plain white shirt. 

Kihyun eyed the mess on his bed and looked up. “Are you going to bed?” 

Changkyun didn’t care what he was doing anymore. Sleep was the last thing on his to-do list. “No, not yet.”

“Do―” Kihyun stumbled over the wrong word. “Would you want to study with me?”

“Are you sure?” Changkyun wondered, quietly hopeful. 

“But maybe not in here.” Kihyun’s belongings took up all of the bed and his desk and chair were covered with clothes, his soccer uniform, and other random things. “The kitchen?” 

“Why don’t you come to my room?” The idea rolled off Changkyun’s tongue. “I don’t mind.” 

“Alright,” Kihyun brightened, picking up his pencil case. “Let me just grab a few things.”

Changkyun had already walked backwards, halfway out the room. “Come when you’re ready!” 

He rushed to pick up the dirty clothes on the floor, thrusting it into his laundry bin. The comforter on his bed―blue and feather soft―quickly looked like he had made his bed that morning. He fluffed and re-stacked his pillows in two neat rows. He opted for turning off the overhead light, illuminating the space with the bedside lamp he bought after he moved in. 

Just as Changkyun adjusted the setting on the overhead fan Kihyun walked in, hands full of books and a silver laptop precariously balanced on top. 

“Careful!” Changkyun pulled the Macbook off the pile as Kihyun plopped onto his double bed. 

“I like it here. It feels.. Warm. Your bed is cozy.” Kihyun looked around Changkyun’s room for the first time. “Is blue your favorite color?”

Changkyun knew his bed, curtains, and other pieces were various shades of blue. It was an easy assumption to make. He arranged himself on the left side of the bed, turning to explain. “Um, no. Black, actually.”

“Why all the blue, then? It suits you.” Kihyun sat comfortably, the mattress adjusting to his weight. Changkyun tried not to think about how close they were. Or _ where _ they were. 

“My mom loves blue. She thinks I look best in it.” 

Kihyun looked at Changkyun’s lap, the blue comforter pooled around his waist, slim legs hidden under the pillowy material. Dark eyes scanned back up his face. “She’s not wrong.” 

Changkyun’s heart skipped a beat. Then another. He couldn’t think another thought. 

“What are those pictures from?” Kihyun pointed to a set of three on the opposite wall. “I know they aren’t Minhyuk’s.”

Changkyun breathed deeply. This was an easy topic. “I just liked them. They are prints from a photographer back home. A friend of my mom’s.” 

“Your room is really nice,” Kihyun told him, pulling his laptop to his chest. “Is it okay if I sit here to work?” 

“Of course,” Changkyun said, hesitating a moment. “That side of the bed is yours.” 

“Thanks,” Kihyun looked shy, yet sincere. His skin bloomed light pink. “For everything.” 

“You’re welcome.” _ For everything. _

Kihyun started to study while the weather changed, a heavy rain pounding on the windows. Changkyun borrowed his iPad, reading an article for his history course. The content was dry and boring, allowing the lull of the rain to pull him into sleep. He faded in and out, eventually sliding on the pillows and curling to his side, directly facing Kihyun.

Kihyun reached for the iPad on his chest and turned it off. He draped the blanket and covered his shoulders for extra warmth. He turned off the lamp, not wanting to bother Changkyun by the light. Midnight passed and Kihyun’s energy faded like a burning candle. Typing slowed to a stop, his eyes falling closed the more he tried to stay awake. He gathered enough energy to save his document, drop his things on Changkyun’s floor, and fell back onto the pillow. 

The soft, clean sheets reminded him of home and Changkyun’s comfortable bed lured him into sleep. He didn’t think twice about moving to the middle of the bed, closer to the boy already sleeping soundly. The warmth he felt from Changkyun’s body felt like a burning fire on a cold day. He nestled his head into the soft pillow and fell asleep before he could think about anything else at all. 

At dawn thunder cracked, lightning flashing across the white walls. Kihyun worked up a cold sweat, a bad dream holding him back from deep sleep. Changkyun woke to near darkness and Kihyun’s soft groans, his body enthralled in the nightmare. He pulled Kihyun towards him and molded their bodies together, his warmth meeting ice cold. Changkyun ran a hand up Kihyun’s bare arm, tracing down his back. He pat there softly, rubbing over his t-shirt in soft circles. His other hand reached over Kihyun’s head and brushed stray hairs away from his face, off of his drenched forehead. Each movement soothed Kihyun, his murmurs quieting, his tremors lessening. 

“You’re safe, you’re safe,” Changkyun whispered, half-asleep. 

Kihyun relaxed, his body finding a peaceful stillness. Changkyun pulled back his hand.

“Stay..” Kihyun mumbled, his head moving onto Changkyun’s pillow. His unconscious mind repeated, “Please stay..” 

Changkyun felt Kihyun’s warm, familiar scent wrap around him like a heavy fog. He tucked his head underneath Kihyun’s chin and nestled his arm around Kihyun’s side. Their bodies fit together like the final two pieces of a puzzle, now complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: on an indefinite writing hiatus starting January 2021.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will be long and contain multiple chapters. If you want to follow my updates on twitter, follow me @misslauren514. 
> 
> I also have other fics if you'd like more Changki or Kiho.


End file.
